


Colourless Colour

by MelodramaticMrTails



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alternate Universe, Bulges and Nooks, Cunnilingus, Hand Jobs, Hermaphroditic Trolls, Homelessness, Housing in exchange for sexual favors, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Marijuana, Open Relationships, Physical Abuse, Porn With Plot, Prostitution, Punk!Dave, Punk!Karkat, Recreational Drug Use, Suicide Attempt, Underage Drinking, coexistence
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-06-01
Updated: 2014-05-26
Packaged: 2017-12-13 16:43:08
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 13
Words: 57,963
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/826501
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MelodramaticMrTails/pseuds/MelodramaticMrTails
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This is a prime example as to why thirty something year old business men should not bring home twenty something punks. They might give you something to live for again and then what will you do?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Cloudy

You wake up and do the same thing you’ve done for the past year. You get dressed in your quiet house and eat by yourself in your quiet kitchen. You drive to work listening to the news that you don’t even like and doesn’t even help you then you pad across the parking lot and busy morning sidewalks into work. Then you work for eight hours, not bothering with a lunch that you probably couldn’t keep down anyways, and go home when the sun is just starting to disappear where you again try to decide if you’re actually hungry enough to eat anything and always decide that you should before ultimately ending up with some ridiculous for a man your age like ramen noodles or a grilled cheese.

Then you go to bed and start again.

It’s a monotonous existence, but you’ve learned to live with it. To be honest, you never thought you’d be here. Your sister runs an entire bakery industry and your cousins are famous scientist/explorers. So what do you do? You work in the green industry making sure all of your companies windmills are working properly. You don’t actually go anywhere. You sit in a little office with your little desk and read over thousands of words and answer dozens of phone calls and most of the time you can’t even recall what you did all day. You don’t recall your co workers faces, or the conversations you had, or how much time had passed.

You thought you’d do something more with your life once upon a time. Sometimes, in your bleak grey days, you’ll catch a glimpse of having done something important; of being a hero- a leader. They’re always gone before you can grasp them, faded away like a distant dream and your shattered goals.

You only notice the pair of people outside of your work one morning because they’re so unusual. You don’t stop, though, and you don’t look at them. You’ve since learned to avoid eye contact as much as possible for fear it will initiate a conversation. You often break eye contact in hopes it will stop a conversation. But you do see them, just out the corner of your eyes. You don’t see much these days. Everything that’s not immediately relevant to you is unimportant to you.

But you see them. Not well, granted. You don’t see them well enough to know one of them’s a troll and you don’t see them well enough to realise they’re probably homeless. All you see are a pair of punks sitting outside your work not bothering anyone or anything and completely irrelevant to you. It’s a fairly busy street, after all. For some reason, though, this sight sticks with you for a while.

They weren’t punks like bad ‘punk kids’. They were actual punks like leather jacket, piercings, the works. You’re not sure what they were doing here but you guess it doesn’t really matter, either. The thought leaves you by lunch time, as many things do. You don’t have enough focus lately and to be perfectly honest, you don’t even try. Not even a little bit.

They’re still there when you leave. You only know this because one of them grabs your pant leg. You do have a choice in the matter, though. If you keep walking you’ll fall and it’s likely you won’t have to talk to them, but if you stop you’ll definitely have to talk to them. If you had the time to consider it, you would, but you don’t for your instincts automatically stop you from injuring your face on the hard cement. You peer down at the pair of them.

In fact, yes, one of them is a troll. The other wears a pair of aviators that look very familiar to you. Something like you saw in a movie so long ago when you used to actually enjoy movies. God did you enjoy movies. Now they’re just a constant reminder of what you’ve failed to do and can’t possibly accomplish. Not that you can focus on one long enough for it to actually mean anything to you.

“hey got some change man?? could use something to eat” the human says in a thick, Texan drawl. You search your pockets without even thinking about it. What do you need the money for, anyways? You haven’t bought anything but crappy food in months. Probably because you haven’t done anything besides work, eat crappy food, and sleep in months.

“no. sorry,” you shrug half heartedly but the pair of them just stare at you expectantly.

“you got some cash??” he asks and you check your pockets again. You’re not sure if you’d actually give them cash, but why not? You still don’t have any, though. You shake your head and the troll growls at you.

“YOU SELFISH ASSHOLE. I BET YOU DO AND JUST CAN’T PART WITH A MEASLY FUCKING TWENTY LIKE THE FUCKING GREEDY MAN YOU ARE,” he snaps at you. It doesn’t really bother you. You don’t carry cash because you don’t need it. You start to walk off again.

“fucking assholes” the Texan scoffs. You stall in your steps. You don’t care what they think of you. You don’t even know them and you really don’t have any money to give them. You don’t even keep a wallet, just carry your little trio of cards around with you. The important stuff. Your house is so lonely, though. Empty and lonely. You’re not sure what drives you to do it.

“i can make you some food at my house,” you offer. The pair of them look at you and the Texan grins. “i don’t have a lot, but i guess i could stop by the store,” you explain, walking off again. This time, they follow you. You’re stupid to let them into your car. They’re probably dangerous, or crazy, or both. Trolls are really violently. You try not to judge them by how they look, but it’s hard. You don’t know how they became homeless, if they even are, but you could guess that it had something to do with all the piercings, tattoos, and leather bits.

The Texan sits in the front seat with you and the troll climbs into the back but he leans between the two front seats. It’s pretty much really dangerous, but you don’t say anything. Neither of them bother with a seatbelt even as you start your car.

“so what’s your name handsome?” the Texan asks you. That’s probably a good idea, yeah. So incase they rob you, you have maybe a real name to report and if they kill you, eh.

“john,” you answer. “john egbert.”

“i’m dave and this is kat”

“KARKAT.”

“well it’s nice to meet you dave and karkat,” you nod calmly. You want to ask if they’re friends or an item, but you can’t bring yourself to care enough to draw the words from your throat. Dave fiddles with your radio, changing it to a station you didn’t even know you got. It’s loud and drives the pain in your back and neck crawling into your head. The pressure on your face is hardly bearable. This makes you wonder how old they are. Not your age, surely.

Fortunately, the grocery store is close by. They get out with you, but obviously have no intention of going inside with you. It’s probably for the best. They’re sharing a cigarette close by the door when you go in. You make it quick. You assume meat to be the best choice and pick up a few other things in passing, just to be considerate. You have no idea what you’re doing.

They have yet to steal your car when you return. Dave nods at you in what you assume is a friendly fashion. They haven’t threatened you yet, so they can’t be that bad right? You rustle through one of the bags you're carrying to hand him a box of cigarettes.

“dude fuckin sweet i love you”

“uh. you’re welcome?” It’s not like he’s being serious, after all. He’s just a weird guy. Karkat sort of grumbles at you, but he doesn’t say anything. Can grumbling be good? Do you care? You put the groceries in the back with Karkat and they continue to not mug and or try to murder you. You probably shouldn’t show them where you live. In fact, that’s like the last thing you should do.

You do it anyways. They peer around at the neighborhood you live in with mild disgust. To be honest, you don’t really blame them. Most of the houses are just a copy and paste from the last and it’s entirely too quiet. You’re not actually sure if anyone lives here. You can’t recall seeing anyone since, well, you can never recalling seeing anyone. Maybe you just haven’t been paying attention, though?

You take the groceries out the back seat as your two new friends walk across your lawn. Which is still alive somehow despite you never having watered it once. Karkat kicks the broken slime bounce.

“YOU GOT A KID OR SOMEFHIN?” he asks.

“oh. no,” you admit. “that’s been there since i was a kid. i just never thought to get rid of it.” You like it there, though. That used to be your favorite thing as a kid. You used to hope your own kids would enjoy it. Maybe they will but for now, kids are the last thing on your mind. You have a bit of trouble unlocking the door, but you get it open and motion your guests inside calmly.

They begin looking around immediately. By the time you get the door closed, Karkat has already broke one of your dad’s old figurines. Dave gives him a sharp look and you’re almost positive they’re a couple. You still don’t ask.

“sorry about him” Dave says to you.

“yeah,” you answer. You don’t realise that this is not a good answer. He just kind of gives you an odd look through his shades. You head for the kitchen to begin preparation. You guess this is better than what you would normally do.

“is this your matesprit??” Dave calls from the living room. He’s obviously found the picture of your ex. You’re about to yell back at him when he appears in the doorway with the picture in his hand. You hear another shatter from behind him. You’re really glad no one actually liked those figurines.

“no,” you tell him. “my fiance. was my fiance. things didn’t work out.”

“she’s pretty” he says. “didn’t peg you for the troll type”

“yeah” you answer again, looking away from him. You are aware he watches you for several more minutes but you don’t do anything about it.

“what’s her name??”

“vriska.”

“she leave you or what??”

You put the knife in your hand down and turn to him calmly. You don’t want to talk about this at all, let alone with some rather creepy strangers. It’s none of their business, anyways.

“there’s a bathroom upstairs,” you tell him instead. “you and karkat should go wash up.” He takes the hint, if not slowly, watching you for several more long moments before turning around to speak to Karkat.

“yo kat stop fucking stuff up and come on”

You listen to them head up the stairs, the set of steps unnecessarily loud in their boots. You return to your cooking. It’s been awhile since you’ve done so, and you suppose it’s nice. You’ve never really been much of a cook, but enough to pass by. Enough to know to only singe Karkat’s steak and warm it through, but not cook it. It’s generally a huge pain, but you do it all the same. It’s much easier to cook the other two medium well. You manage to not time anything well enough and the steaks are done before the potatoes and you’ve somehow set fire to wet cabbage.

You think you've manage to fix most of it. Except the cabbage. You guess cabbage is kind of gross, anyways. Of course, that’s when you realise you haven’t heard from your guests in quite a while. You knew this was a bad idea.

“dave? karkat?”

“yo” Dave answers from the couch. Oh. Karkat peers over the back of it at you and you find it a little eerie. His eyes are red, who isn’t going to find that eerie. He also looks like he’s going to fucking murder you at any second. You think this is his natural expression, but you’re not going to assume anything.

“uh. food’s ready,” you tell them.

“cool hope it tastes better than it smells” he says, climbing over the couch elegantly. Karkat follows him, slightly less graceful. They’re an odd pair, you think. Dave is sort of lanky and tall while Karkat is shorter and pudgier. They’re cute, though, you guess.

“sorry about that,” you apologise without any heart.

“joking” he assures you. You attempt a smile, but only half of your mouth crooks and it fails to be even a smirk rather a painful display of forced emotion. Neither of them say anything about it. They sit at your little round table and you didn’t fully expect them to. Dave sort of sits backwards on one chair and Karkat’s already loudly licking his trollish chops with his grey tongue, but they clearly have every intention of sitting and eating. Yeah. Alright.

You put food down in front of them and they patiently wait for you. This is not going anything how you thought it would.

“i only have water, sorry,” you explain.

“don’t sweat it” Dave promises as you fill some glasses and join them at the table. “you pray or something?”

“oh. no,” you assure him and they begin eating. Karkat doesn’t even bother with a fork and you can’t really blame him. It’s alright. You’re pretty used to this already. You hesitate a bit before starting on your own. You’re not really hungry and you don’t really want to eat.

“so you're into magic right??”

“huh?”

“THERE’S A SHIT LOAD OF JUNK UPSTAIRS.”

You guess they’d rummaged around, after all. You can’t recall having anything that valuable.

“i used to be sort of. i was a prankster when i was younger,” you tell them and you’re not sure why. You remember that. You can’t remember how to enjoy things anymore. The thought of even opening Colonel Sassacre’s book makes you cringe.

“we didn’t steal anything” Dave mumbles. You don’t know what gave him the idea that you thought they had. You will assume they had, but you wouldn’t be mad. You were aware of the risks when you offered to bring them back to your house for reasons you’re still not sure of.

“it’s okay.”

“IT’S OKAY TO STEAL FROM YOU?” Karkat looks up at you. You don’t know where to look and subsequently, have to look at him.

“you’d probably get more use out of it than me,” you say. You don’t know why. Your mouth is running but your brain is off. Like usual, basically. You doubt you’ll remember any of this very well later. You’ll go to bed and if you wake up, you’ll just return to the same lackluster life you’ve learned to maintain.

“you’re a weirdo aren’t you?” Dave doesn’t seem to ask it, but rather comment on it. You find this- funny. There’s a Texan in a leather jacket, pale as the dickens and a mutant troll with piercings in his horns sitting at your dining table and you’re the weird one.

“yeah. i guess.” You were the one to invite them there, however. You’re completely at fault. “can i ask you something?”

“for a free steak? sure”

“how’d you get to be homeless?”

“i’m not” Dave says and you feel a little cheated. A good deed done maybe. “my bro kicked me out for being around kat he’s homeless though”

“how old are you two?” He does seem a little old to be living with his brother.

“twenty”

“ALMOST ELEVEN NOW,” Karkat grumbles. You’ll assume those are sweeps. You're more than ten years older than them.

“and you live with your brother?”

“it’s complicated”

“oh,” you nod in understanding. That sure is interesting. It’s none of your business, so you don’t ask any further questions. This is a friendship that won’t last more than a couple days, if it even lasts through this dinner.

“so hey can we sleep here tonight?” Dave asks and you look at him a little too sharply. Today has been a long run of things you shouldn’t have done. You continue this streak. “we can hit up the couch don’t worry”

“yeah,” you agree and earn another stare from Karkat.

“ARE YOU A SERIAL KILLER?” he asks loudly.

“not that i recall,” you mean it as a joke but you can’t get your voice to leave the dead tone it usually takes. Not that it would be funny anyways.

“kat knock it off”

“HE’S A FUCKING WEIRDO! LOOK AT US. AND HE’S JUST GOING TO LET US STAY HERE. YOU KNOW WHO DOES THAT? PSYCHOS,” he hisses, but obviously does not have a problem still putting food in his mouth. To some extent, you prefer it this way, anyways. Serial killers never get murdered by other serial killers.

At this point, you’re positive no one’s a serial killer here. Which is better, of course. Dave grabs one of Karkat’s nubby horns tightly, yanking him over gently enough for you not to think there’s anything wrong.

“be nice” he says. Karkat huffs, yanking himself away.

“WHATEVER,” he grumbles. At least you can relish in the fact you won’t be injuring anyone tonight. Or ever, honestly. You don’t finish your steak, but Karkat does for you. Helping others is supposed to make people feel good about themselves or something, but you don’t see why. You don’t feel less lonely, either. This was just all around a bad idea.

You leave the dishes in the sink.

“is the couch going to be enough for both of you?” you ask. Karkat throws himself back on it, partially glaring at you, but not as intensely as before. You wonder what’s changed.

“yeah we’re good” Dave assures you. You don’t really believe that. You could offer them the bedroom upstairs, but you don’t. You don’t really want them to get the idea they’re welcome here. This is a one time deal.

“here,” you hand him a grocery bag. “just some toothbrushes and stuff.” You thought they were homeless. They sort of are? You don’t know. Dave peeks into the bag before smirking at you.

“thanks”

“well. good night,” you nod at the pair of them absently.

“goodnight” Dave answers. Karkat sort of makes a chittering noise. You don’t realise how much you’ve missed that noise until right now. You abscond to your room. There’s emotion welling up in your throat and it’s painful and you don’t want it. You lean your back against the door and hold your face in both hands and try to think of anything else. You successfully smoother the feeling out by focusing on calmly the tremors overtaking your lungs.

Your clear your mind with a few shaky breaths. You don’t wish you have a break down with strangers in your house. In fact, if you could avoid it completely, that would be best. You just want to sleep. Waking up is optional. It feels kind of awkward stripping down to your boxers with other people in the house, but you remind yourself that this is, in fact, _your_  house and do so all the same.

Your bed is too big and too empty, but it has been for a very long time now. You okay with it now. Just as you’re about to drift off to sleep, however, you hear the door open.

== >

You wait until he disappears into his bedroom before doing anything else. First things first; get all these piercings out. As you’ve learned the hard way, not everyone is used to them and if you’re not careful, they will get ripped out. You’re positive some of them do it on purpose. Your matesprit helps you.

You’re not entirely sure if he gets off on this or not, but you know you probably get off on this way more than you should. You don't know if it’s because it was just a kink you weren’t aware you had or something you just got used to over time.

Not only has your John [no shit, that’s actually his name too] let you into his house, but it turns out it’s a _nice_  house. It would also appear that your matesprit has quickly developed some sort of instant crush on him which is fine by you. He gave you steak. Like _good_  steak. Fuck, you’re on board.

Typically, your matesprit is way better at this than you are. It’s not that you’re bad at sex, it’s just that you’re fucking awful at foreplay. Unfortunately for you, this one’s into trolls. If his ex is anything to go by, and she was a cerulean, there was no way he topped. Of course, this makes him as gay as having a ‘troll vagina’ [term courtesy of Dave] makes you a girl. It doesn’t hurt, though. If you have to, you will pull out the ‘hermaphrodite’ card. You fucking hate that card, but you really fucking like this place. You can’t even remember the last time you had steak.

As the two of you have learned from many trials and errors, sex is the best way to keep a roof over your heads. It’s totally legally, too. There is no direct exchange of goods. If you ask if you can stay another night in a suggestive manner, that would be completely unrelated to any sexual activity. Dave nibbles at your neck as he unscrews one of your horn piercings.

“go get him babe”

You’ve never really been against stuff like this. It’s not how you originally thought your relationship would turn out, but perhaps you prefer it this way?

 

Well now you’re a tad concerned, yes. You wait until you hear the door close before rolling over and finding Karkat standing near the edge of your bed. You feel like you should be scared at this point, but concern continues to be the main feeling.

“is something wrong, karkat?” you ask, carefully reaching for you glasses. You can’t find them without looking away from him and you don't want to do that. He climbs onto the empty side of your bed and you can faintly see him shake his head.

“NO,” he says. He’s a loud one, isn’t he? “I JUST WANTED TO THANK YOU.”

“oh. you’re welcome, karkat.” He could have waited, you think. Karkat maneuvers himself so he’s sitting beside you on your bed now. You’re not sure what he’s doing, but you can see his mutant eyes even in the dark. He leans down to you and- uh- oh. He’s trying to kiss you? You awkwardly throw yourself in an opposite direction, nearly launching yourself off the bed all together. You hold a hand to Karkat’s face half hazardly.

“oh. karkat. i’m not- i’m not homosexual,” you explain as if that’s the only issue here. He gives you a half angry, half confused look.

“THEN CALL ME A FUCKING GIRL,” he snaps. He’s not- he’s not physically wrong. It does make you hesitate a moment, but it certainly doesn’t change your mind.

“karkat,” you say, trying to buy yourself enough time for an excuse. “dave-”

“I CAN CALL HIM IF YOU WANT, BUT HE’S DEFINITELY A DUDE,” he assures you. That wasn’t what you were aiming for at all. It isn’t like Karkat is unattractive, even for a male, and you’re kind of surprised at yourself for not at least considering it. It just sounds so unappealing to you, right now. Not because Karkat is unappealing, either, just because that’s so much _work_.

“leave my bedroom, karkat,” you tell him. He stares at you for a moment too long before scoffing but he leaves all the same.

That was weird. Karkat coming in your room, of course, but was he really trying to thank you with- sex?

You think you might have picked up two prostitutes.

You spend quite a bit of time awake after that, listening for any unusual noise. Then spend the rest of your waking hours trying not to listen to the sex noises in your living room. That answers your question, at least.

They’re still there in the morning when you begin to prepare for work. The two of them are dressed thankfully, wound together tightly on the small couch. While they don’t appear to be uncomfortable, they definitely don’t fit, Dave laying mostly on top of Karkat to prevent from slipping off. You have to assume this is because one of them was planning on sleeping with you last night.

You try not to think about it.

You don’t have to wake them up, fortunately for you. You wouldn’t have known how to go about doing that, anyways. They rouse on their own when you begin to cook.

“is that bacon??” you hear Dave say out of nowhere. A few seconds later he’s in the doorway to the kitchen. “hot damn i think i’m in love” After what happened last night, it’s just awkward for you. Your sister once told you, you made horrible choices and it’s not until now that you actually wonder if she’s right. You’ve somehow managed to bring home two homeless prostitutes and have now fed them and they’ll probably never leave you alone. There is no way you can rationalise this into thinking you’ve made a good decision.

“yeah,” you answer and just kind of shrug. Karkat’s awake not much later, instantly appearing in the kitchen as well and salivating slightly. Neither of them appear as if they’re even going to acknowledge that Karkat tried to seduce you last night. You decide you won’t, either. You should have just gotten a dog.

“so,” you say slowly. “what are you guys going to do today?” You don’t want to kick them out, but you still have work today and you’re not about to leave them in your home unaccompanied. Quite honestly, you don’t want them in your house anymore period. You were just going to give them some food, not open up a shelter for punk prostitutes.

“panhandle downtown” Dave answers as you unwisely feed them more. At least you don’t have to make them leave.

“oh,” you reply. You don’t eat. You don’t have much of an appetite, anyways, so you leave them alone to finish preparing for work. Unfortunately for you, you keep thinking about Karkat in your bed last night and it’s making you more uncomfortable and anxious than usual. You don’t even have any strong feelings towards the occurrence and yet you can’t shake the indescribable emotion plaguing your senses.

“i- have to leave for work now,” you announce as you return to the kitchen. Karkat shoves another piece of bacon in his mouth as Dave nods at you.

“cool can you give us a ride?” he asks. That saves you the trouble of having to tell them they have to leave your house.

“sure,” you agree. They don’t try to talk to you in the car. You assume it’s because they’re probably still tired, but it also might be because they’re passing a cigarette back and forth over the seat. You’re mildly concerned one of them is going to set fire to your interior, but you don’t bother saying anything about it.

“right here’s fine” Dave informs you rather suddenly and you step on the break a little too hard. You automatically throw a hand over Dave as if it would protect him any more than his seatbelt, that he’s not actually wearing again, would. Karkat curses at you from the backseat.

“sorry. sorry,” you sputter out stupidly and quickly turn to make sure Karkat is alright. It wasn’t that bad and you know for a fact you’re making a deal out of nothing, but your nerves are making you jittery. This is the most you’ve felt in a long time and you _hate_  it. You want them out of your car and out of your life now. Fortunately, you manage to maintain your cool.

“it’s cool kat’s thick skinned anyways” Dave assures you. Karkat’s burned his chin on his cigarette and you naturally cringe a little. You know they’re thick skinned, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t look bad. Dave climbs out of your car and Karkat continues to glare at you for a few seconds before he’s pulled out as well.

“thanks for the ride” Dave says, sticking his head back in the window. You force another smile at him that's not really a smile. That’s all he says, though. He doesn’t say ‘see you later’ or ‘nice to meet you’ or ‘hope we see each other again’ or anything. Karkat definitely doesn’t say anything to you. You assume this will be the last you see of them. This, of course, is way too much to ask for.

== >

“old dudes are not supposed to be that cute”

“WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?” Kat snaps back at you, rubbing the mark on his chin with the back of his hand. You grab his wrist to avert it away.

“i stole some money from his drawer” you explain, shaking the bag of spare change and bills at your matesprit. “gonna buy him some lunch and blow him under his desk there'll probably even be enough left over to get cronus to ‘convince’ roxy to get us some good dope”

“I FUCKING TOLD YOU LAST NIGHT; HE’S STRAIGHT,” he bites back angrily.

“so’s spaghetti until you cook it”

“I’M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE THROAT.”

“when’s the next time we’re going to find a cute, single, person with money and without any friends or family that lives in a big house?? that upstairs room was nice if you have a better way to keep him feeding us, then i’m all ears” You cup a hand to your ear pointedly. Karkat works his bucked teeth in his mouth for a moment as if to think about it before scoffing at you sharply. “exactly wait you’re not jealous are you? because if you are just say so and i won’t do it”

“YES YOU WILL.”

“well yeah i totally will but i want to hear you say you’re jealous”

“I’M NOT JEALOUS,” he growls at you. You take a hold of his horns with both hands and direct his face into yours.

“you’re totally jealous don’t be babe you know you’re my favorite lay” you purr, pressing your lips to the burn on his face. He nips at your face in warning and you pull his face away from yours knowing full well he’ll bite the shit out of you if you’re not careful.

“JUST MAKE SURE THERE’S ENOUGH FOR WEED. I’M GOING TO GO GET FOOD MONEY WHEN YOU INEVITABLE FUCKING FAIL.”

“no one can say no to a strider blow job”

“EXCEPT GAY WOMEN AND STRAIGHT MEN.”

“except _some_  gay women and straight men”

“IF YOU FUCKING SCREW US ON THIS, WE’RE BREAKING UP.”

“negative nancy”


	2. John: Be confused and unamused

“You have a visitor,” your secretary informs you, standing in the doorway of your little office. You can’t remember her name. You’re not entirely sure why you need a secretary anyways. You certainly don’t feel important enough to have a secretary. You don’t feel important enough to have a visitor, either. You hope it’s not your sister. Right now if you have to even look at a cake you will effectively break the fuck down.

It’s not your sister. It’s the Texan you really should not have brought home last night. Why is he in your work? What is he doing? You’re concerned when you really don’t need to be. Not only did you not do anything wrong, but you have no plans of doing anything even arguably wrong, either. He stands in the doorway until your secretary leaves and closes the door behind her.

“i brought you some lunch” he says and holds a paper bag up. You grimace slightly.

“where did you-”

“yeah sorry i took some money from your drawer” Dave answers before you get to finish. “you did say it was okay” he reminds you carefully. Yes. Yes you did. Why would you say something like that? Because you, sir, are an idiot. He approaches your desk and you move your chair back a bit.

“you bought me lunch with my own money?”

“bro i’ve seen you eat you weren’t going to buy it” he replies matter-of-factly. You can’t exactly answer because he’s right. You don’t really want to start eating now, either. You’re not in the mood for food. So much for never seeing him again. Honestly you don’t know why you assumed you’d never see them again especially considering you live in the same under average sized town. You were bound to run into each other again regardless. Furthermore, what made you think they wouldn’t actively seek you out?

“you eat it,” you insist. He drops the bag right in the middle of your work and props himself on the edge of your desk with a movement that seems too heavy for someone of his size. He picks up the table top decoration with your company’s icon inscribed in it and palms it in his hands boredly.

“nah kat’s getting us something to eat now there’s a sweet troll that gives us the extras from her delivery runs she's crushing on him major time” he explains. “you need to eat too come on” Dave continues. It doesn’t sound like he’s going to let up on this. He tilts his head down and peers at you over his shades. His eyes are just as red as his matesprit’s and somehow it’s even weirder on him.

“please” he adds on and you forfeit pretty much immediately. Whatever gets him to leave you alone sooner. You peer into the bag. It’s a simple sandwich and you guess you need to eat. Well, at least, it wouldn’t hurt to eat. Dave drops your fancy plastic paperweight with a mild thud and it rolls under your desk.

“fuck”

“it’s okay. it’s junk anyways,” you tell him but he’s already getting down to retrieve it.

“nah i got it” he insists. You scoot your chair back a bit with a sigh. It’s when you finally get the plastic undone from around your meal that you feel Dave’s hands on your thighs. You freeze up immediately. What is he doing, as if you don’t know perfectly well. Why is he doing it is an entirely different question.

“dave,” you whisper sharply, despite the door being closed and basically no way anyone’s going to hear you. Or catch you, really. Your lovely office is perfectly windowless. He undoes your zipper and you drop your sandwich.

“kat said he didn’t get a chance to properly thank you last night so let me express our gratitude”

“n-no! that’s okay! it’s okay really!” you yelp louder than you really want to.

“chill out it’s all good” he presses on and has your limp cock in his hand all too suddenly. You are effectively paralyzed. You have words to say and they aren’t being said because your mouth doesn’t work right currently. How did things get to this? How could you possibly make an entire series of bad decisions that bring you to this? How?

Dave takes you down to the root in his mouth all at once and wow that’s weird! That is a definitely a thing! A thing that is happening! A thing that is continuing to happen now. Yep. That is a thing. Dave stops doing the thing, much to your appreciation. He whips his mouth on his sleeve with one hand and idly strokes your still flaccid cock with the other.

“you got ed or something??” he asks. You nearly tell him yes just to get him off you until you realise this will probably only make him try harder. You obviously were not clear enough last night. You want absolutely no part of this, for so many reasons starting with being hetrosexual and ending with prosititutes. Well, they’re _probably_  prostitutes, you mean. You don’t have hard proof of that.

“dave. i want you to leave my office right now,” you instruct low and calm which completely betrays how you feel at the moment. You’re not mad, though. You should be, quite honestly, but you’re not. You’re not confused, either, though that should definitely have been the next prime feeling here. You’re no where near aroused for the record. Of all things, you are sad. Whether for better or worse, you are incredibly sad. You have no idea who for.

“chill out i _want_  to thank you”

“dave,” you say again, sharper, and push him away by his shoulders. “i don’t want your thanks. i don’t want to have to call security.”

“message received i’m not looking for trouble” He stands immediately, raising his hands out in surrender. “sorry bro i just didn’t think it was fair for you to do us a favor like that for nothing” You quickly tuck yourself back into your pants and pull yourself back under your desk for safety.

“no. it’s fine. really. just- please leave dave,” you insist firmly. “and stop trying to thank me.”

“nah i was raised better that that” Oh god. You’ve fed a wild animal and now it’s not going to leave you alone. You have no one to blame but yourself. You could have just kept walking. You drop your head onto your desk, which you deem the perfect place to think about your life choices, and hear your door open and close a few seconds later. You glance up just long enough to make sure he’s gone.

You’re going to have to move. That’s the only solution. Maybe you could go live with your sister for a while. She’s offered before. Your life’s a wreck, of course she’s offered. You don’t know where things went so wrong. You had a good job and a beautiful fiance! You were going to have that prime three and a half children together! You can’t blame her. This all started long before she ran away with that other guy. Not like you didn’t see that coming a mile a minute and you just choose to do nothing like the weak thing you are. You weren't even in this metaphor's way. You were just standing off to the side as it passed you by. Maybe she would have stayed if you’d actually fought for her.

You reach out for your phone blindly, instead finding the paper bag left on your desk. You swat up onto the ground more angrily than it really deserves. You can’t eat right now. You especially can’t eat _that_. In fact, you feel like doing the exact opposite of eating. The only reason you don’t actually vomit is likely because you haven’t eaten anything all day. You pick up the receiver and raise your head to see the buttons before returning it directly back down where it belong.

A nap right now would be great. If you could just sleep until forever, that would be great. Or be anyone else would also be great.

“hello?”

“oh jade. you picked up. please tell me you’re home.” You knew there would only be a slim chance that she was. If you could put this off through no fault of your own, that would be great.

“you called my home phone, john!” she laughs brightly at you. You wish you could be upset with her for it, but you’re not. It’s Jade, after all.

“did i?” You hadn’t meant to. It was automatic.

“i just walked in, actually. lucky for you! is there something you need?”

“oh. no it’s okay. i didn’t know you’d just gotten home. do you think you could call me back later?”

“nonsense! what’s wrong john?”

“i-” You are pathetic is what you are. Your cousin has better things to do than deal with your issues. “it’s fine really. you’re probably tired.”

“i’ll be over later!” Jade announces as if she hadn’t heard a word you said. “i gotta unpack some stuff and bath bec, so after work! i’ll come pick you up! oh i have something you’ll like!”

“jade you don’t-” She hangs up on you. You’re not sure if you happy or disappointed with yourself. You need to stop being such a both to your family. You’re surprised they want anything to do with you anymore quite honestly. Maybe you could just nap here for a bit.

== >

“ac doesn’t make matches fur fr33! where’s ac’s two grand? ac has bills to pay, motherfucker!”

“Do you require assistance?”

“no! i have it under control!” Nepeta assures her moirail calmly. She’s terrifying when she wants to be. Not towards you really. Or rather, not that you can recall and you’re pretty sure you’d recall something like that. Equius is big, sure, but usually pretty harmless. You just sit on the bed of his truck and he leans against the side of it carefully. Carefully because he has scratched the pain simply by pushing it against the wall on accident.

The pair of you just kind of watch as Nepeta violently assaults a man nearly twice her size. The rather stale meal she brought for you is nearly unpalatable, especially after that gorgeous steak yesterday night, but you’ve long since learned to eat whatever you can get. You don’t want to admit it, but you do hope Dave has better luck than you did.

“You can always come and live with us” Equius suggests.

“YOU KIND OF FREAK DAVE OUT STILL,” you answer blandly. That’s not the only reason, but it’s the best one. Equius is a touch saddened by this, but it’s nothing he doesn’t already know. He and Dave just don’t get on very well for very long. Plus, you can’t stay in the same house with Nepeta for very long without getting anxious. She has this way of making you feel guilty about something that’s not even your fault. Imagine how she makes you feel when it’s actually your fault.

When worse comes to worse, you and Dave can usually find a good place to sleep between friends even if it means staying with Ampora. Fortunately you don’t have to stoop that low very often.

“It seems unbeneficial for you two to remain together” Equius notes. “If you were to separate, you would both have a roof over your heads” He’s not wrong. Dave’s brother hates you enough to kick him out of the house and it’s totally your fault, though you’ve never done a thing to him. If you were to break up, he’d probably let him come back home. Then you’d be left to find a matesprit with a home and there have certainly been offers before. All the same, you answer Equius with an angry growl.

“I do not mean to offend-”

“oh you have two grand! ac knows where you live! ac knows where you _work_.”

“It is simply that your matespritship is not the STRONGEST anyways? He is currently out attempting to seduce another with no regards to your feelings. I can not say this is the sign of a healthy relationship”

“HE IS ‘REGARDING’ MY FEELINGS,” you snap back. It’s not that he doesn’t care about your feelings, it’s just that, well, you don’t really have any of them. You’ll be annoyed that he didn’t listen to you after you told him this was a fruitless goal if he fails, but you really aren’t jealous. Sex has never held a particularly high standing in your relationship with Dave. There’s a lot more to a relationship than just sex, after all. Just because you are both free to pursue other options, don’t mean you love each other any less. While you tend to do so mostly because it’s the easiest, if not only, way to make some quick money and keep you both fed and sheltered, Dave does seem to get more pleasure from it.

Not to say you don’t get any pleasure from it. He just likes it more than you do. He likes sex more than you do. Still, no matter how many little ‘crushes’ he gets, he never really stops loving you. Equius is right about one thing, after all, Dave would be able to go home if he broke up with you. And he hasn’t. He’s never brought it up and as far as you know, he’s never even considered it. And Dave’s the worse rambler you’ve ever heard. He’s told you so much stuff you didn’t actually need to know ever.

Besides, Dave keeps _you_  safe. There are a lot of psychos out there you’ve run into more than your fair share of them. Sometimes, sure, Dave gets his weird little crushes on them before either of you realise they’re completely out of their minds, but he never hesitates to protect you. Not that you need protecting, that asshole. There’s nothing wrong with your relationship. It’s not conventional, maybe, but that doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with it. You’re not about to doubt your matesprit just because Equius is playing a crappy wingman to his moirail.

You are concerned for John though. Well not exactly concerned _for_  him, but rather _of_  him. No, he doesn’t appear to be psychotic, but they never do. Dave can be sort of pushy and forward but he can also be suave and charming. If he pushes too much, John could get angry, which is pretty straight forward. On the other hand, if John turns out to be one of those ‘violently hetrosexual’ guys, he could get upset if Dave succeeds in seducing him. It’s a pretty long shot either way, but John didn’t seem like the most stable of people, either.

Who collects harlequin figurines?

“you bring ac her money tomorrow! and if ac finds out you hurt her kitten, she’ll skin you!”

“I did not intend to pry” Equius assures you, though you don’t entirely believe that. Nepeta turns to come bouncing towards you two as if she didn’t just beat a man half to death. She hops onto the truck beside you with a decent ‘thud’ and wipes the blood from her hands onto her coat.

“i hope this john doesn’t turn out to be a bust fur you, karkitty,” she says, tilting her head to rest on your shoulder. You grumble in reply, finishing the tough and unpleasant meal and tossing the container aside.

“there you are” Dave comes around the corner smoothly, likely having spotted the injure guy leaving. He doesn’t have that shoddy smirk of satisfaction, so you have to assume things did not go well. “gonna have to steal my matesprit if you two don’t mind”

“at least eat furst,” Nepeta purrs pleasantly. She stretches herself out to dig under the wad of tarp at the back of the bed and retrieves a boxed meal. She holds it out for him with a gleeful smile of teeth. Dave gladly flips the lid open.

“oh hell yes thank you nepeta leijon” He leans toward her to nuzzle her face and she laughs. Dave’s use to eating junk, at least. He begins to stuff his face immediately. Basically like usual. After he gets his first bite scoffed down, he turns his attention to you. “how much money did you rake up??”

“ONLY TWENTY FIVE.” You can’t pan handle nearly as much money as Dave can, with or without your gear in. You’re a troll for one so humans tend to be even more frightened of you with your piercings and other trolls don’t care anything about you. And you're a mutant troll for two. The amount of people disgusted by you just barely evens out the amount of people that feel pity on you. Dave can just flirt and smile and ‘rap’ and people practically throw money at him. He’s definitely your better half.

“cool think we could dig up another thirty before the traffic rush?” he asks between bites. He’s up to something. Not as if you expected anything else, really.

“WHY?” You’d like to be informed of his plans at least so you know what you’re doing.

“because if we play our cards right we’ll be all kinds of up in that extra bedroom tonight”

“DID HE INVITE US BACK OVER?”

“nah he shot me down cold as ice”

“I TOLD YOU.”

“yeah okay but i think we can still get him just listen we go over to his house with some food and make him some food to ‘repay’ him and then he feels like he has the need to repay us again and we’re set for the night i just need some time to crack him is all”

“SO BASICALLY. WE’RE BUYING HIM FOOD INSTEAD OF US?” Which, you know, is a fantastic idea and everything.

“do you want to eat for a week and sleep in the street or do you want to spend a little cash, sleeping in a warm, comfortable bed, and possibly eat for a month? or more i have a really good feel about this guy” Dave says. He puts his box down in Nepeta’s lap in order to grab your face in his hands.

“come on karkat we don’t have anything so there’s nothing left to lose and if we win we’ll have a gorgeous little sugar daddy this time one without a wife and kid” he practically begs. You didn’t really have a fight to begin with. He’s right, after all. You have nothing. You’re just worried that one day the two of you are going to gamble away something you don’t have and end up paying with your lives instead. You can only take solace in the fact that if one of you goes down, you go down together. If that, in fact, is solace.

“FINE. WHATEVER,” you agreed not nearly as reluctant as you sound. A warm, comfortable bed does sound nice. You can’t even remember the last time you had sex with Dave in an actual bed and that does sound really nice. He kisses you hard on the mouth, his thumbs and index fingers hooked with your horns like they’re handles. They certainly are not, but you can’t really complain right now. He doesn’t pull away completely, not immediately.

“cronus got us some of the good stuff too says dirk’s been too distracted to pay roxy any attention and she’s going to try to get some money to us next time” he promises. That’s probably the best news you’ve gotten all day. He goes back to his food with a bit more of a hurry this time.

“there’s not much time until befur the traffic rush,” Nepeta says almost sheepishly. “i have some extra cash from that dirtbag if you want to trade fur the usual?” She looks at you nervously as if one day you’re going to just up and never talk to her again for even suggesting such a thing. But you haven’t and you probably never will.

“that would be bangin’”

“YEAH. THANKS NEPETA,” you agree and her nerves are gone in an instant. She brightens up at once and purrs a hearty purr that very few trolls can pull off. She hops off the bed of the trust and circles around one side quickly, holding her hand out.

“keys please!” she pips. Equius hesitates a moment, however, nearly appearing to want to argue otherwise, but if he is, he decides against it and reluctantly tosses Nepeta the keys. You hop down and Dave brushes his fingers against your hand as you pass each other. He sits himself in your place with his meal.

Nepeta hops into the rather cramped back seat of the truck, but it’s not anything you’re not already used to. You are only thankful for that mild weather lately, making situations like this much more comfortable. She hoists her hips up elegantly to shimmy out of her pants and you wait patiently just outside the door so she won’t accidently kick you.

When she’s ready, you climb in after her, positioning yourself between her legs and hooking your arms around her thighs for some kind of stability. There’s no way you can get the door closed behind you, but it’s not like anyone’s going to come back here with Equius standing guard. She fidgets slightly with her excitement and you have to adjust your hips a little so you’re not squishing your own genitals.

You press your mouth against the front of her panties and press your tongue against her sheath to coax her open. She doesn’t need much but she never really does with you. Her bulge slips out and worms its way out the side of her dainty paw printed undies. You press your tongue to it before taking the end in your mouth. She shudders under you, one hand already curled over her mouth to bite on.

To pull her the crotch of her panties aside with your thumb and draw the fingers of your free hand along her tentacle so it winds around your fingers instead of in your mouth. She pulls the collar of her coat up to cover her mouth and her moans and purrs. She succeeds in none of these, of course. You find her nook with your tongue, flattening your muscle along her lips before sliding in. Your piercings make all the difference and she’s told you before how she loves them.

It’s easier with people like Nepeta. She’s vocal enough that you can generally judge what she likes and what she doesn’t. Though she’s not particularly picky in the first place. She’s happy just with you thrusting your tongue against her taught nook. Her bulge tightens around your fingers, but you know it’s not all that sensitive for her so you keep your attention on the parts that make her breath heavy in her fingers and your mouth wet with her olive fluids.

“oh. k-karkat,” she purrs breathlessly and her thighs are clamps around you as if to prevent you from moving away. You have to shift yourself a little higher on your knees to take the pressure off yourself.

“yes, yes, yes,” Nepeta chants with increasing volume. She makes a high pitched keening noise when she comes, arching her back against the door and squeezing her knees together right behind your neck. Politely, you help her come down, as well, pressing your face a little closer to wriggle your tongue a little deeper against her sensitive, unclenching walls. You can feel the tremors that wrack her body under your fingertips and she presses a palm to the top of your head, grasping your hair gently with her nails just brushing your scalp. You only pull away when she slackens her knees and you don’t have to fight her to sit up.

You have to prevent yourself from wiping your mouth off with your shirt sleeve. You try not to do it in general, but especially after you’ve just washed it. You don’t get clean clothes as often as you’d like, after all. Instead, you pull the towel from your sylladex out and help her clean up before folding it over and wiping the olive from your own face. She quickly pulls her pants back on, grabbing you around the neck before you have time to escape. She kisses you on the mouth, but you don’t really respond.

“thank you, karkitty,” Nepeta purrs contentedly at you. She lets you go in order to pull out her wallet and pay you. Best way to make thirty bucks, that’s for sure. You climb out the back of the truck and captchalogue the money.

“we good??” Dave asks needlessly. Or you guess it could be automatic at this point. You scoff at him all the same.

“Our door is always open” Equius reminds you as you and your matesprit walk off. Dave just raises a hand at him in acknowledgement. Once you get around the corner, however, he makes a relieved noise at the back of his throat.

“that’s got to be one of the top five weirdest conversations with him” he scoffs. You don’t think Dave dislikes Equius, just kind of unnerved by him. Dave is unnerved by Equius because Equius is unnerved by Dave which is a pretty mild circles as far as vicious circles go. You fiddle with your pants slightly and Dave glances at you out the side of his shades. “you gonna be cool?”

“FUCKING FINE,” you grumble back, coaxing your genitals to not be aroused right now. If Dave is wrong about this and you don’t get a nice bed for the night, you’re going to fuck his shit up so badly. Not really, unfortunately, but this thought makes you feel better. He stops you momentarily to graze your lips with a swift kiss.

“here have a cigarette”

“YOU’RE LUCKY I TRUST YOU.”

“i’m lucky for a lot more reason than that”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *exchanging the 'one bucket per orgasm' for 'a bucket per sequential orgasms'.


	3. Get Stoned

You can see Jade’s truck waiting in front of your work building as soon as you exit your office. You hope she hasn’t been there long. She won’t tell you if she has. The elevator down to the ground floor is too long and too small and too crowded. At least no one tries to talk to you. By now, very few of your co-workers try to talk to you. If they ever have.

Bec leans his head over the side of the truck bed when you come out the front door and you smile at him. It’s so much easier to smile for him. It makes you sick. You ruffle his neck gently and scratch the back of his ears with both hands.

“hi there bec. it’s been a long time, buddy,” you murmur. He licks your face with his weird green tongue affectionately. The back window slides open suddenly.

“hey! i hope you didnt call me over just to play with bec!” Jade calls to you from the front seat playfully. She has more hair than the last time you saw her. To be fair, the last time you saw her she’d just cut off her hair after a run in with some unpleasant animals. That had to be at least a year or two ago.

You climb into the passenger's seat and immediately Jade leans over smother you in a hug. She squeezes you viciously and you’d hug her back, but she’s got you in a position with your arms pinned too awkwardly to react. You're just thankful for the excuse.

“it has been awhile john! i am so glad you called me! we get so worried about you, you know,” she insists, holding you tightly much longer than actually necessary. You pretend not to mind. When she lets you go, you attempt a smile. It works out slightly better for you than usual. Either that or Jade is doing you a favor by pretending not to notice.

“i know. i’m sorry. just been busy with things,” you tell her. Your life isn’t a secret from your family. They all know what happened, if not just barely. What they know is that your fiance ran off with a good friend of yours. Which is exactly what you know because there’s nothing else to your sad story. It is a short, sad story. You guess it’s sad. Maybe not sad. It is a story that happened.

“you know we are always here for you, john,” Jade reminds you with an eerie calmness that makes this already pitiful situation even worse for you. You decide to quickly change the topic.

“so where’s jake?”

“oh hes still in asia,” she informs you, doing you the favor of going along with your poor distraction. You strap your seatbelt on as she pulls away from the curb. You know for a fact she is not the safest of drivers. Bec pokes his head in through the back window to join into your conversation. “he was in japan for a little while, doing a dig up for some guy he met. i think the poor guy might have a crush on jake. you know how people get with jake. he keeps sending him off for ‘authentic feudal asian items’ then insisting ‘thats not what hes looking for’. jake is getting quite irritated with him. its adorable!”

Of course Jake is doing well. The only time you can’t remember him doing well is when he found out his girlfriend was your sister who, obviously, turned out to be his cousin. That wasn’t even him doing ‘not well’, that was simply a few awkward conversations and a friendly parting. In fact, it was probably more of a lose for Jane than him, really. Exactly none of this makes you feel any better.

“ill tell him to stop by when hes in town again. i am sure he would love to catch up with you john!”

“no,” you answer a little too quickly. “that’s really not necessary. i promise. i’m fine. he’s busy with his own thing and i’m busy with mine.”

“come on john! when was the last time you even saw jake? or jane for that matter? you have really isolated yourself, you know,” Jade scolds you. You decide to take her question as rhetorical so you don’t have to answer. After all, you can’t actually recall the last time to saw them. You saw Jane at least a couple months ago. She does stop by on occasion without any warning. Jake, however, probably doesn’t even remember you exist without being reminded. You prefer it this way. You also despise him for it. You wish you were joking.

“we still love you john,” she says. You are spared the pain of having to deal with this right now by noticing your broken window as she parks in front of your house. Did someone actually break into your house? Out of every house here, all of which basically look exactly alike, they choose yours. This day couldn’t go better. Oddly enough, you do not believe your house been broken into at all. Who, after all, would chose your place of all places to break into?

Prostitutes. Prostitutes is who. You climb out of the truck and cautiously head for the door. You hear Jade climb out the other side and let Bec out the back.

“john??” she questions and the following noise is her retrieving her rifle from her sylladex. You could do this as well, knowing how completely useful hammers are when people break into your house, but you don’t. Your survival instinct is kind of shot as of lately. You did bring home a troll and his weird red eyed boyfriend. “is everything alright?”

“door’s unlocked,” you murmur, pushing it open slowly. Immediately, you’re hit with the smell of food. You palm your house keys in your hand quietly and peer into your living room with some caution. Bec lowers his head dangerously, prowling towards your kitchen. You have to say, Jade is probably much more dangerous than her dog. She pins to your side with her rifle at the ready. You don’t exactly feel safe but this is probably because you don’t feel in danger, either.

“yo john welcome home” And of course it’s Dave and Karkat in your kitchen. _Of course_. Dave drops his sword as soon as he sees Jade, raising his hands in a way you don’t believe is instinct for him. Karkat, however, only bares his teeth and growls, not even bothering to turn away from the stove and whatever he’s apparently cooking. They’ve clearly helped themselves to your house without an issue. “hope you don’t mind we let ourselves in”

“do you know these people john?” Jade asks cautiously. If you tell her no, she’ll probably shoot them. Would it be your fault? Absolutely. Fortunately, you don’t want to deal with that right now, either.

“yeah. they’re fine,” you assure her and she lowers her gun. Bec, however, remains defensive. Dave gestures pointedly to his abandoned sword for permission to wield it again.

“is your dog going to fuck me up if i go back to cutting poor defenceless vegetables??”

“tsst bec,” Jade says sharply. The sharp noise makes Karkat jump slightly and turn on her. He snarls. Dave stops him before he says anything, thankfully, placing a hand on his shoulder. Bec relaxes albeit reluctantly.

“what- are you doing exactly?” you ask without really knowing what to hope for.

“you made us dinner so we’re going to throw something together for you” Dave answers simply. “kat’s pretty wicked at cooking actually you know if we had a stove” Right. Because. You know. This is exactly what you told him to do earlier. You could not have been more clearer when you told him, in those exact words; ‘please break into my house and use my kitchen’. You pinch the bridge of your nose between your thumb and index knuckle, pushing your glasses up in the process.

“where did you get the money for this?” you ask. You know for a fact you didn’t have enough food in your house to make basically anything, nor do you keep enough lose money around to pay for an entire meal. Dave twirls his sword around, just barely missing both your wall and ceiling with the motion. Whether this is on purpose or not is unclear.

“kat had some luck with the slots” Dave says. After today, you can only believe this to be an euphemism. You’re not sure if you want to be right or wrong about that, though. Is it better for them to be gambling or be prostitutes?

“are these your friends, john?” Jade perks up considerably at the very idea. Dave and Karkat both look at you. What exactly are you supposed to say? If you tell her the truth, she’ll just worry about you more, and she’d be right to. If you tell her they are your friends, they’ll get the idea that this is okay, when in fact it is anything but that.

“we’re mutually benefiting from each other” Dave answers instead when you take too long. “say business partners?”

“oh,” she mouths curiously. You’re never going to be able to explain this later. If Jade doesn’t already realise there’s something going on, that is, which she probably does and as soon as they’re gone she’s going to ask you why you have hookers in your house. If she even waits until they’re gone. You didn’t _mean_  to pick up hookers. They just _happened to be_  hookers.

“kat’s making mahi mahi” Dave moves the conversation onwards cooly. “it shouldn’t be long now there’s enough for everyone”

“that sounds wonderful! gosh, i havent had mahi mahi in forever!” And sure enough, Jade has to go and get along with everyone. Maybe they’ll leave you alone now. She plops herself at your little not quite dining room table and draws her mass of hair up into an even heavier bun. You sit to her left, dropping your head to the table where it belongs. You can't exactly kick them out now, can you? Jade ruffles the back of your head.

“kat used to have a girlfriend that would go out and catch these massive fish and he'd cook 'em up” Dave talks to no one in particular.

“i dont think i caught your names?” Jade says. You sit up suddenly, putting your weight back to cross yours arms over your chest and watch your life intruders. You’re torn between laughing and hysterically sobbing, so you do neither.

“i’m dave and this is kat” Dave gestures to his matesprit calmly.

“MY NAME’S KARKAT,” Karkat corrects him again.

“im jade. it is very nice to meet you guys. and that is bec,” she laughs. Bec’s nose is becoming very acquainted with Dave’s backside. Dave sort of fidgets away from him, trying to nudge the dog away from him gently with his foot.

“whoa okay doggie down you’re gonna have to fuck off now” This does not deter the white canine in the least. Dave puts his sword away and reaches for a piece of fish to throw at the unwavering mutt who remains unwavered even in the face of a treat. Jade leans forward onto her palms, smiling brightly.

“do you have drugs on you??” she asks. Oh please don’t let them be drug addicts, too. Not that you would be surprised at this point. You're way past that.

“what why?? are you a cop or something?” Dave snaps back too aggressively for you to believe he doesn’t. That’s great.

“no,” Jade assures him. “but bec can smell the stuff a mile away. what da’ya have?”

“jesus fucking christ” Dave swats at Bec with a wooden spoon. It’s pretty difficult for someone to get something out of someone _else’s_  sylladex, but you’re pretty sure Bec is capable of it. He sinks his teeth into Dave’s clothes and yanks at them with strong jerks. Karkat drops what he’s doing in order to growl at the dog. “whoa okay i got some dope alright?”

“tsst bec. down boy,” Jade instructs and Bec backs away obediently. She giggles in a way that is too affectionate for your liking. Bec trots towards you, sitting himself beside your chair and resting his head on your thigh. You stroke his head absently. It could be worse, you guess. It could be cocaine. You know being homeless isn’t really a straightforward thing, but last time you checked, piercing, tattoos, leather clothing, and marijuana are all pretty expensive, especially when combined. They certainly can afford all of those things, clearly. You really want to know why you’re still somehow involved in their convoluted lifestyle choices.

“oh!” Jade sits up, clapping her hands together happily. “i have something for you!” She fiddles with her modus for a moment before revealing a small, flat stone. She slides it carefully across the table for you to view. There’s an odd blue symbol carved into it. “i found this in a cave while i was looking for geodes. it is larimar pectolite! apparently, they find these all the time just carved out like this. the people that live around there call them ‘the windy things’. the legend goes that there used to be a god that lived within the caves called the heir of breath and he would whip up wind storms so vicious they would leave imprints on even the hardest of stone!”

This means all of jack squat to you. You run your index finger over the smooth surface, though, and it’s cool to the touch, but it’s just a rock. Jade has a tendency to make weird connections.

“you work with wind. i thought you would like it!” she explains. Oh. Right. You do work with wind. That makes more sense now. Still, though, this rock and conjoined story holds very little meaning to you. You’d glad she thought of you, at least. “plus, look! it is totally the color of your eyes!”

“she’s right you got some peepers like larimar pectolite damn poetry writes itself” Dave informs you, leaning on the back of your chair. This is way too close for your comfort. You continue to pretend things don’t bother you.

“BETTER THAN THE FUCKING ‘POETRY’ YOU WRITE,” Karkat scoffs.

“you think my raps are poetic??” Dave answers, tilting his head in order to bat his eyelashes over his shades at his matesprit.

“POETICALLY AWFUL,” he growls back.

“he’s so romantic” Dave whispers despite the fact that literally everyone in the kitchen can still hear him. He holds a bottle out near your face and it’s cold even by proximity. You lean away slightly, glancing towards him with a bitter intention. He’s looking at you out the side of his glasses, making unnecessary eye contact with his weird red eyes. “i got some hard cider want some?”

“that would be great!”

“aren’t you underaged?” you ask. He hands a bottle to Jade and you reluctantly take another. Dave pops the cap off his own using the edge of your table. You’re pretty sure he does this to annoy you. You are not annoyed.

“are you going to turn me in??” he replies, taking a leisurely drink from the off brand alcohol. No, you’re not going to do that. You don’t care enough to do this. You especially don’t want to take responsibility for them. Like most things, you solve this by not saying anything at all.

“you’re underage?” Jade questions, breaking the cap off with the heel of her hand. She trades bottles with you and does the same to the unopened one. You don’t actually want it. Alcohol is probably the last thing you need, anyways. To prove this point, you down a quarter of the bottle in a single drink.

“twenty one in december” Dave promises her. Which is several months too soon for him to be drinking. You remedy your medical condition unfortunately named ’giving a fuck’ with another drink of the toxicated apple juice. Jade taps her thumbs against the glass bottle. If she didn’t know before, she probably knows now.

“kinda young for a business partner, arent you?” she comments.

“don’t worry i’ve been doing this non-professionally since i was sixteen” He smirks and oh god there is so much wrong with this situation. You might just break down into tears in the middle of your kitchen. You’re not even sad, there’s just so much happening way too quickly for you to deal with right now. You have lost complete and utter control of your life and it has never been clearer than it is right now.

“YOU CAN HAND ME ONE OF THOSE ANY TIME, ASSHOLE,” Karkat grumbles over his shoulder.

“right sorry babe” When Dave turns his back, you down the rest of your cider. This does you absolutely no favors. Jade looks at you with concern. You use more avoidance tactics to get around the fact there is no reason for you to be going at alcohol so quickly. You pick up the stone and rub your palm over one side of it carefully.

“i’m going to go put this somewhere safe,” you tell her. By that you mean you’re going to drop it in your drawer with everything else you don’t honestly want to look at ever. You see no harm in leaving her alone with two hookers. Then you laugh at yourself for thinking this.

“okay john,” she says as carefully as you treat her gift. The difference between you and the rock in your hands is that the rock is about ten times stronger than your psyche. Bec follows you as you leave. You close the door to your bedroom behind you and he nuzzles the back of your legs affectionately. It’s easy to face, you’d rather be with Bec right now than any other people. You hesitate a moment when opening the draw on what used to be your matesprit’s side of the bed. You just keep junk in it now; photos, rings, spare keys. Junk.

You know Jade means well. She always means well. Unfortunately, that doesn’t always mean that’s what you need. Another reminder of the things you can’t do. Maybe one day you’ll take her and Jake up on the offer of going with them, but not today, and not this week, and not any time soon. She’s not going to lure you in with weird gifts and an attempt to catch your curiosity.

You sit on the edge of your bed, examining the rock in what little light peeks in through your closed blinds. It is a pretty colour, you’ll admit. Not a colour of your eyes that are dim and muggy grey rather than blue, but of the wind. You had, at one point, taken your job because you were interested in the wind. You don’t know if you stopped being interested in the wind or your job, but the fact that you have no drive for either of them frustrates you beyond belief.

Bec pushes the top of his head against your shoulder. You pat his head softly.

“you’re a good boy, bec,” you murmur. You steel yourself in order to open the draw and toss the rock inside. However, you wait before you close it. You fish out the spare key and push the drawer closed with your knee. You chip off the blue paint with your thumb nail. There’s probably something symbolic or poetic about it, but really you just don’t want them breaking your windows anymore. They’re obviously not going to leave you alone. Maybe if you let them stay here they’ll at least stop talking to you.

You palm the key in your hand. Giving a house key to two prostitutes. Yeah. Good life choices.

“ARE YOU ALRIGHT?” Karkat’s voice makes you jump. To be fair, he is a very loud person with a voice that definitely carries. That was something you found out in a way you didn’t actually need to. You should have just told them to take the spare bedroom. Or, you know, never brought them home. Oh the regrets you have.

“yeah,” you answer distantly.

“WELL THE FOOD’S READY. I’D FUCKING HURRY UP. IT’S GROSS COLD,” he tells you and you get up to open the door. He looks up at you pointedly, his overbite gnawing against his lip thoughtfully. Or angrily. You’re not one hundred percent sure. He scowls. “WHAT?”

“nothing,” you answer immediately even though he was the one staring? Karkat turns away from you and you follow him back to the kitchen. Bec keeps to your feet. “it smells good,” you note.

“THANKS,” he answers, if but reluctantly. You sink back into your chair and and Jade smiles at you. She doesn’t say anything, though. You’ll only hope she didn’t have any sort of insightful conversation with your two new ‘friends’. Karkat and Dave bring over the plates and already you can tell this is the best meal you’ll have in months. Like usual, you’re neither hungry or have an appetite, but you’re not going to give Jade any more reasons to worry about you.

“this all smells so delicious!” Jade compliments enthusiastically.

“kat’s bitchin in the kitchen i’d still be eating microwave burritos and nacho doritos for dinner if it weren’t for him” Dave says, grinning excessively at his scowling matesprit.

“YOU STILL EAT MICROWAVE BURRITOS AND DORITOS FOR DINNER,” he snaps.

“only because we don’t have a kitchen”

“so how long have you two been together?” Jade cuts in. You now know for a fact that she’s ignoring the obvious facts on purpose. You do not know, however, if she’s going to use them against you or against them. Probably both. You decide to dedicate your time to picking your fish apart. Do you like fish? Is it even fish? Isn’t mahi-mahi dolphin? Do you like dolphin? You don’t think you did, much, no. That was the last time you had a meal with Jane and her ‘co-empress’. Whatever a 'co-empress' is.

“well let’s see he wouldn’t even think about dating me when i was seventeen and he shot me down when i was eighteen he finally gave in a few months after my nineteenth birthday so a little over a year now” Dave explains.

“YOU WERE AN ANNOYING LITTLE SHIT,” Karkat defends himself shamelessly. “YOU STILL ARE.”

“but now i’m your annoying little shit”

“STOP.”

“two years of wooing well spent” Dave coos dramatically.

“you two are so cute!” Jade sighs happily. “i knew a mutant in a building project in taiwan. he was- certainly something.”

“kankri??” Dave questions. You nibble on your fish tentatively. It doesn’t really have a taste and the texture makes you feel ill.

“yep! that was him!”

“THAT’S MY BROTHER,” Karkat grumbles.

“is it? it really is a small world! i suppose there are not a lot of mutants anyways,” Jade notes. She backtracks quickly. “whoops! sorry.”

“IT’S FINE,” Karkat snaps. It has nothing to do with his feelings, though, he’s just naturally aggressively. He is a mutant, after all. That’s not an insult, that’s actually what he is. You do both Jade and yourself a favor and move the topic away from this subject all together.

“i should give this to you before i forget,” you murmur, placing the spare key towards the center of the table. They both look at you with expressions that are probably meant to be unreadable, but really they just look suspicious and confused. Who in their right mind would give two hookers a house key? The answer can’t be ‘you’ because that would suggest you are in your right mind.

“please don’t break any more of my windows.”

“sure thing” Dave answers before you even completely finish speaking. They both give Jade a side glance as Dave quickly slides the key off the table and tosses it into his sylladex. He gives his matesprit a smug look. That’s definitely nothing to worry about, surely. “sorry about that by the way”

“WE’LL PAY FOR IT.”

“no. it’s fine. just please be more careful.” Yeah, you need to give them more reasons to ‘pay’ you. That’s worked out so well up until now. “thank you for the food, karkat. it was good.” No one says anything about the fact that you’re barely eaten half of the questionable seafood. You have no doubt that it was delicious, but you’re not really a seafood guy. “i think i’m going to go wash up before bed.”

“john no!” Jade cries in a high pitch. “lets at least watch a movie or something first,” she insists. That sounds just plain awful really. Just all around and together awful. She looks at you expectantly, though, and you can’t really tell her no. You are the one that called her over, after all.

“alright,” you agree quietly. “let me just change clothes.”

== >

And you’re left alone with John’s over friendly cousin. You don’t mind her much, though. She is friendly, after all. You’re pretty sure she’s smarter than she lets on, too, so she probably knows you’re not exactly in a stable living condition. There’s really no way of telling exactly how much she’s picked up on, but she seems like a chill person.

“stayin’ the night then?” you ask, not quite ready for the meal to drift into silence.

“probably,” she answers and Karkat shoots you a death glare. “i have to take john to work in the morning.” Alright, so there’s a very small chance you’ll be getting that spare bedroom tonight, but you did get a key. Ten steps forward and one step back is still nine steps forward. Besides, there’s nothing assuring that you’re going to be sleeping on the couch again.

You might have misjudged John’s likes just slightly. You assumed him to just not be a ‘red meat’ kind of guy, but obviously the issue goes much deeper than that. Jade and Karkat have a shameless fork fight over the rest of John’s food. Karkat wins. You’re two hundred percent sure Jade lets him. When you’ve all finished, Karkat collects the plates and sets himself to work washing them.

“john is a bit depressed i think,” Jade says out of the blue. You raise your eyebrows at her.

“THAT’S AN UNDERSTATEMENT,” Karkat barks with a forced laugh. Jade frowns but only for a moment before coming back with a smile twice as powerful.

“we should help him cheer up!”

“and how do you suggest we do that fly mama??” Her excitement reminds you of Roxy. And her hair reminds you that you should probably drop by Rose and her matesprit’s for your monthly haircut. You’ll put it off a while longer just so you can put off any conversation that might happen with Rose that you completely dread.

“youre gonna share some of that marijuana,” she says.

“i am??” You did not know this.

“dont get your panties in a bunch! i will certainly pay you back,” Jade assures you with a playful kick. Her playful kicks hurt significantly less than Karkat’s ‘playful’ kicks.

“does john-?” You make a gesture with one hand to signify smoking. Jade sits up a bit and touches her fingers to her chin.

“in highschool, yeah. i think he kind of grew out of it in college though,” she tells you. You would have never have guessed that. John does seem a bit like a straight shot. Not just because he claims to be hetrosexual, either. You only say claimed because you’re not quite ready to give up your dream sugar daddy.

“fair warning this is some bio molecular sciency voodoo shit this _will_  put him on his ass if he’s not careful” You’re totally not down with watching a grown man freak the fuck out. Jade narrows her eyes at you.

“what do you mean by that?”

“just between me and you, the lady that makes this stuff is wicked close to being a mad scientist”

“and who is that?”

“uh her name’s roxy” And Roxy is going to kill you. Jade lights up, however.

“lalonde?” she questions. “i have done some work for her! shes a good person.” Roxy sure gets around, that’s for sure. This could potentially turn out in your favor, though.

“‘WORK’,” Karkat snorts suggestively.

“you best watch your nubby little horns kit kat,” Jade warns with a careful stare. You are in no way surprised, but the odds are in your favor now, granted she doesn’t only swing that way. Assume pansexual unless proven otherwise. Or, for those of you struggling to keep a roof over your heads, assume pansexual unless physically removed from the premises and/or cops are called. Karkat rubs one of his horns self consciously.

“well i’m down with whatever he’s your water” you nod in agreement. Hell, it’ll probably do John some good, really. Plus, you got this stuff basically for free, so you’ll actually make a profit in having Jade repay you for it. “i didn’t bring any papers though wasn’t even going to try getting away with it here”

Jade solves this nonexistent issue by retrieving a rather ancient looking bong from her sylladex. You have a new best friend. Sorry Captor.

“well ms harely i believe you have put me to shame”

== >

You can’t say the smoke you walk into upon exiting your room is exactly comforting. It’s not fire smoke at least? This, surprisingly, doesn’t make you feel any better about it. You fix your glasses on your nose to see a little better.

Jade looks at you from the couch and grins way more relaxed than you’re used to from her. Bec lazily is stretched out at her feet and she’s holding what is very much a water pipe in her lap, which requires her to hike her skirt way further up than usual. Dave’s perched like a bride in Karkat’s lap, both comfortably squeezed into your recliner. You can’t say you didn’t see this coming.

“we are waiting for you to start the movie,” Jade informs you, patting the spot next to her with a heavy palm. You could use this as an excuse to leave, or even more, make them leave, but you don’t. You just sit yourself next to you cousin with your hands in your lap and continue to play pretend with yourself.

“WE DIDN’T WAIT TO START THE BONG,” Karkat assures you. His volume has not been affected in the slightest, which you guess is both a good and bad thing. He hasn't gotten any quieter, after all.

“bro your cousin is the coolest and that bangin’ rack definitely isn’t a minus”

“dave! there is more to a lady than her breasts! but i forgive you because mine are certainly banging.” Welp this is something you didn’t want. It’s not exactly like you’re not used to people you love flirting with people you’d rather they not. Independent to do what she wants and all, sure, you understand, but they’re hookers. _Hookers_.

“you still like ghostbusters right?” she asks. You really don’t. You can’t admit that you don’t care for movies at all anymore, though. You can’t say anything because that would be a cry for attention and attention is the last thing you want.

“yeah,” is all you say instead. She grins at you. Then she offers you the bong. You shake a hand at her calmly. “oh jade. no. i don’t think-”

“it will make you feel better,” she says. The worst part is, she might be right. It’s worked for you before, but you’re not exactly a teenager trying to destress from finals anymore. However, might is really all you need right now. You probably didn’t even need that. She could have just vaguely gestured it at you again and you would have been convinced.

She hands you a lighter after it and you quickly discover your fingers don’t want to do the work. You haven’t done anything intricate with your hands in months and it’s awkward to try to start up the lighter. It frustrates you far more than it should.

“here” Dave says, picking himself up and taking the few precious steps past Jade to collapse to his knees in front of you in an uncomfortable familiarity. Bec lets out a deep breath and shifts himself away slightly. This is way more intimate than it should be. It’s not that you fail to notice things like this, in fact you notice a lot of things, it’s simply that you can not bring yourself with any amount of pushing and prodding and shoving to care about any of it. And if you can care about it, which is a miracle of itself, you can’t physically make yourself do anything about it.

Dave braces the bottle of it on his palm and uses his free hand to work the lighter. You hold you lips to mouthpiece and wait to inhale. The smoke is oddly sweet, even to your nulled senses. You can only imagine what it’s like to everyone else in the room. Well, no, you can’t imagine that actually, but that’s besides the point. He takes it away from you when you wave him off.

“holy shit.”

“that would be meow mix” Dave laughs at you. He rests his elbow on your knee to take another hit before passing it back to Jade.

“remember that blonde girl i was helping do research for her alchemy machine a while back? she grows, and i guess ‘makes’, this stuff,” Jade giggles. You don’t remember that at all. There’s no telling why. You wave some smoke away from your face and sink back into the couch. You’re not throwing caution to the wind, you’re just unconcerned in prolonging your life. Dave returns to his matesprit, flopping down on him heavily and nuzzling Karkat’s flushed neck pleasantly.

You turn your attention to the tv to try to enjoy the movie instead. You end up watching the opening menu for fifteen minutes before you realise no one’s actually started it yet. By then you’re relaxed enough to actually be okay with this.

“she should call this ‘fuck it’” you hear Dave say, but you’re not really focused on anything at the moment. You’re blissfully content with not doing anything at all currently. “brother kicked me out of the house?? fuck it”

“i broke an ancient artifact worth thousands of dollars in russia. fuck it,” Jade laughs.

“MY BANK ACCOUNTS ARE ALL FROZEN BECAUSE OF MY SHITTY MOIRAIL,” Karkat joins in. His boyfriend helps him take another hit. With the outbreath of smoke he breaths, “FUCK IT.”

“someone reported me for alleged solicitation of sex fuck it”

“there is a rust blood that keeps getting to all my dig sites before me. fuck it.”

“NO ONE WILL HIRE ME BECAUSE OF MY BLOOD COLOR. FUCK IT.”

“my fiance ran off with a troll in tights,” you say and you don’t mean to and you didn’t plan to but it feels fantastic. “fuck it.” For the first time in a long just, in not having much control at all, you feel like you have some grasp of it just for a moment.

“i got banned from the soup kitchen fuck it”

“jake bought an island. an entire island. fuck it.”

“DAVE APPARENTLY GOT US BANNED FROM THE SOUP KITCHEN. FUCKER.”

“i don’t know anything about my job. fuck it.”

Just for a little while, whether because of the stimulation, or the depressant, or the hallucinogen, you’re not completely unconcerned. You’re not happy by any stretch of the word, but feeling anything is better than nothing at all. This surprises even yourself. Content is a good word for you. Momentarily, you are content.


	4. Broken Wing

“bec come here boy come here” you beckon the weirdly white dog over. Curiously, he lifts his head and pads over to you. You wrap a hand around his muzzle and blow a mouthful of smoke into his nose.

“dude are you trying to get my dog high?” Jade shoves your arm slightly and giggles loudly. Bec stumbles away, shaking his head rapidly and sending his ears flopping all over the place.

“YOUR DOG’S ALREADY HIGH AS SHIT,” Karkat assures her. “LOOK AT THOSE EYES.” Bec plops himself down and slowly lays himself on his side. Jade ruffles his flank affectionately.

“oh bec,” she says. “you okay there buddy??”

“oh he’s fine fuck he’s better than fine he’s probably happy as fuck” you nudge Bec’s tail with your foot and he snorts loudly. “look at that that’s one happy ass dog”

“why do i not have any cheetos?” you hear John mutter to himself in the kitchen. You don’t think he actually knows he’s talking out loud and it’s kind of cute. Jade stretches herself out on the couch, resting her head on the side and reaching out one long limb to play with the sleeve of Karkat’s sweater.

She is absolutely loaded and you’re not about to miss out on that. Plus, if you get on her good side, you’ll have the favor of John’s family, which is a good thing in this case. You could still have a chance at a nice bed tonight because Jade definitely isn’t going anywhere anytime soon.

“so is john paying you or what?” Jade asks, looking at the pair of you through skewed glasses.

“we’re not actually prostitutes” you assure her. She pushes herself up again to put her weight on her palms and stares at you pointedly. “i’m serious we’re just two friendly people with lots of good, nice friends that just happen to really like sex”

That’s not just an excuse, either. Sure, if the situation was different, you would prefer to have the sex mainly with Karkat and perhaps a few friends if Karkat was down with that, but that’s not the situation you’re in. There’s nothing wrong with collecting on something you enjoy. Besides, when it comes to actual ‘clients’, like John for example, there’s no money being exchanged which makes up your entire defence in every trial ever. Granted, your lawyer makes it sound better than that, but still that's what it boils down to. Nepeta is a close friend that just so happens to like having sex with Karkat on occasion and was nice enough to lend you two some money that you’ll probably forget to pay back. Loopholes.

“youre hookers,” Jade says, smiling knowingly at the two of you.

“WE’RE NOT GOING TO SAY THAT,” Karkat grumbles.

“i get it. okay. so why are you hanging around john then?? because you know if you hurt him i will find you.”

“why can’t i put rice in macaroni? wait,” John says in the kitchen. You gesture toward the kitchen slightly.

“is that not reason enough for you??” The guy’s absolutely adorable for one. And he has other qualities, supposedly. Like a nice house. You’re not actually going to tell her that, of course. Jade drops her chin back on the armrest of the couch.

“yeah okay. i can understand that!” she agrees. “john is definitely a cutie. i hope you two stay around for awhile, at least. i get so worried about him when he stays alone for so long!”

“as long as he lets us we’re not planning on leaving” you promise. That’s a bit of an understatement. This is by far the most ideal situation for you and Karkat and so far, you have no desire to let go of it. While, sure, John’s happiness is important too to some extent, it’s not exactly your top priority.

Jade smiles at you pleasantly. She rolls herself onto her side, much like her dog, and gladly relaxes. She groans with displeasure as she massages the tops of her breasts with her fingertips. She is a very lovely woman, though you’re not surprised when she’s related to John. John seems to be a bit of a cuddler, too and whether he was like that before things obviously started going downhill for him or if it’s just because of the high is irrelevant at the moment. You can work this out so everyone gets a proper nights sleep.

“ugh it is so nice to just be able to relax after a long trip,” Jade sighs happily. John comes to stand in the doorway between the kitchen and livingroom. Whatever he’d been looking for before he appears to have given up on, instead gladly eating away what left over fish was left in the kitchen.

“eating dolphin makes me sad. but wow this is amazing karkat. you’re really good at cooking!” he says, and his voice sounds real for once, but his face remains static and joyless like he’s been carved that way out of fine marble. Karkat chitters in an annoyed fashion.

“DOLPHIN?” he grumbles. “MAHI MAHI ISN’T DOLPHIN STUPID.”

“it’s not? now i feel bad about being okay with eating dolphin.”

“dolphin is pretty good,” Jade says. Karkat mumbles an agreement. You feel like they’d probably get along if you left them alone together long enough. You don’t actually plan on doing this. “but hunting dolphins is bad.” John agrees quietly. He comes over and scoots her feet aside to make room for him to sit again.

Karkat’s nibbling on your throat casually and you run your fingers through his hair. You’ve had a lot of ‘new’ beginnings in your life, many of which ended poorly but not entirely in disappointment. To have succeeded at all is enough for you, but you want so much more for you life with Karkat. You want so much more for Karkat. You can only be glad that you’re both still young and there’s time to achieve.

If you can find a stable place to live and eat, then you can actually start trying to find a job and make it somewhere. You have talent, you just need a chance, and people are a whole lot more willing to give you a chance if you have a place to live and don’t look and smell as though you’ve been wearing the same clothes for more than a month.

You’re confident in saying that this could be a new beginning. You’re not confident enough to say if that will bring on a decent end. Life likes to fuck you sideways basically as often as you get fucked sideways. Which is to say quite often.

“god you guys are so cute!” Jade squeals, balling her first up against her cheeks. They’re both watching you. For all of his rebuffing of both yours and Karkat’s advances, John doesn’t appear to care anything about either of you being homosexual or a cross species couple. It’s unfortunate that there are still people like that and it’s even more unfortunate that as homeless people, you tend to run into them way more often. Generally it’s the high bloods and the humans that you would typically associate with being bigots that tend to be against your relationship and you try to stay clear of those people. Sometimes, though, they’re perfectly kind people who just flip the fuck out when you kiss your matesprit on the mouth. These are people that are harder to avoid.

John’s a good guy and a part of you feels bad that you’re going to have to take advantage of that at every turn. The rest of you has learned how important it is to take every advantage you can just like everyone else. This part of you still feels a little guilty about it, but it’s going to make you do it anyways.

“i’m going to bed,” John announces. It is late and furthermore, he does have to go to work tomorrow. It probably wasn’t wise to keep him up so long.

“hey can kat come with you??” you say, making him stall slightly. His otherwise static expression curves the corners of his lips down, making his bucked teeth less prominent. “not like that it's just when he’s high as shit he purrs all night and it makes it hard for me to sleep”

“FUCK YOU, DAVE.”

“oh,” John answers curiously. “you purr?”

“all trolls purr john!” Jade pips up. “most people sleep way better with a purring troll in fact! purrs are supposed to have healing factors that cure alignments, ward off bad spirits, and even bring good luck in some cultures!” You don’t know how much of this is actually true and how much of it is her helping you for no clear reason.

“oh,” John says again, but this time seeming to regard the idea more fondly. He nods slowly. “that’d be great.” You give Karkat a parting kiss before climbing off of his lap. He doesn’t look happy with you, but he’s not mad. It’s a fine line, but you can read them. This wasn’t exactly what you were planning, but you have to make things work and Karkat knows this. Karkat is probably several times better at making things work than you are, but his personality tends to frighten people at full force and thus making everything more difficult.

“goodnight!”

“don’t let kat bite”

“the bedroom upstairs is set up already,” John tells his cousin. “goodnight.”

It’s quiet until you hear the door close. Fortunately, it stays quiet for a while after that, as well. You’re not concerned about Kat in John’s bed. Karkat knows when to subdue himself and John is John. You turn back to Jade who’s nodding off on the couch already. You nudge her shoulder gently.

“yo sweet cheeks you probably don’t want to sleep on the couch it’s pretty uncomfortable” you say. She yawns and reluctantly drags herself into a sitting position. She smiles up at you sweetly.

“karkats purring doesnt keep you up, does it?” she tells you. You shake your head. Karkat’s troll noises never bother you. He knows this, of course. She holds a hand out to you. “help me upstairs valiant knight,” Jade grins. You lean down a little and draw her arm over your shoulder to help her up off the couch. She’s taller than you by quite a bit, but she leans on you and it brings her height down a bit. She’s still lucid, walking mostly on her own and just lazily using you for support.

“tsst. stay bec,” she points him down when you come to the bottom of the stairs. Bec watches the pair of you for a moment before laying his head back down. You guide her up the stairs to the spare bedroom and she let’s go of you in order to twirl into the room. She undoes the messy bun on the back of her head to let her massive sum of hair down as you remain standing in the doorway.

“you have a lot of hair” you comment. “it’s pretty” And it is. It nearly reaches her calves and considering she’s easily over six feet tall, that’s a lot of hair. You have no idea how she manages it all. She runs her hands through some of it and smiles at you.

“thank you. could you come here and give me a hand??” she questions, motioning you into the room with one hand.

“sure thing” You push yourself off the doorframe to approach her. She shrugs the sleeves of her tank top down her arms and leaves it around her waist before slipping an arm under her hair and pulling it over her shoulder.

“undo that for me please?” Jade asks, peering over her shoulder at you.

“course” That is something you can do. You slid a finger under the elastic of her bra and unhook the metal clasps with careful fingers. There’s obvious tan marks on her skin where she’s been in the sun for long periods of a time, making clean, cut lines between where her skin is peachy and where it takes a naturally gold tint. There’s three lines at her waist, though, just above her skirt and you can see where her skin is pale like John’s. She is not a woman who has an issue with being topless, that much is clear.

“thanks dave,” she says and slides it off into her hand. She turns to face you. You weren’t joking, she has very nice breasts. Even though your shades, and not to mention her height, give you the opportunity to stare without being noticed you don’t do this. You assume she’d be okay with that, but you don’t know for sure and you don’t want to disrespect her. There’s nothing sexul here.

“you can touch them if you want.” Unless she tells you they’re supposed to be sexual.

“well it’d be just plain rude to refuse” you answer. Things are so much easier when they do the seducing. You draw your fingertips along her ribs slightly before cupping each well proportioned breast in your palms. It only goes to show that they don’t have to be big to be ‘bangin’. With Jade’s more slender and taller form, her just barely b cup sits fantastically on her. She hums when you squeeze and work your fingers gently.

“close the door,” she instructs. You take your hands off of her to gladly do so. Jade perches herself on the edge of the bed, holding herself up on her arms and pushing her chest out. She still smiles those oversized teeth of hers at you happily.

“are you sure you want to do this with a prostitute??”

“you said it yourself dave, you are not a prostitute,” she says. You have nothing more to say. Her skin has cracks from old and new scars alike, and she is bruised and battered and has stretch marks probably from growing too fast and she’s absolutely gorgeous. You crouch down between her knees, leaning against the edge of the bed for support, and take her breasts in your hands. You knead them carefully, bringing her to appreciative moans in moments. You’re caramel skin is many shades paler than hers and the contrast is interesting to you. She brings her hands to your face, taking the edge of your shades between her fingers and pushing them to the top of your head.

You’re really not down with this. You wear your shades for reasons that are plentiful and your own, but as usual, you can put your issues aside for better things. She looks down at you with a weirdly knowing gaze like she knows who you are and what you’re doing. However, she doesn’t mention your eyes, though to be fair her neon greens aren’t exactly natural, either. You kiss the skin of her cleavage and follow the indent of her sternum up to her collar with your tongue.

Jade tosses her head back, her oversized teeth far more obvious when she nibbles on her lip. You roll your thumbs over her pert nipples and pinch a bit of her skin just below her collar between your teeth. She makes soft noises distinctly different from what you generally hear and despite preferring the gritty noises of the trolls, they’re lovely all the same. You make a path of open mouthed kisses along the inside of her cleavage before dragging your tongue around her areola. The gasp that follows is her discovering the particularly intricate piercings in your mouth.

“that is fantastic!” she moans and tangles her fingers in your hair to push your head in closer. You take her fawn nipple in your mouth, working your overly skilled tongue in balance with a slight suction. Four years is a long time to be doing this on a nearly daily basis and three too many to become a god at it. The muffled, shuddery noises she makes is proof of this. Jade curls her fingers over her mouth and she’s probably stifling herself so John won’t hear. To be honest, he probably won’t be hearing anything over Karkat.

You place a hand on the inside of her thigh and she adjusts her legs to give you more room. She was definitely wearing shorts earlier, you’re positive. She is not anymore. Not that it makes a lick of difference to you. You run your thumb over the already wet front of her panties and shift your mouth across her chest with peppered kisses to tend to the other nipple.

“wow,” you hear her breath into her hand. “dave.” She leans back further on her palm and you move to sit along side her on the bed, making the experience more comfortable for both of you. You slip your hand past the waistband of her panties and run your middle finger over her warm velvet lips. She chants out a steady stream of ‘yes’s, her fingers scratching at the back of your head as you lap at her breasts.

You slick your fingers against her labia, rolling the sides of your fingers against her clit with each twist of the wrist. By her noises, she greatly appreciates this. You slip a pair of fingers into her slowly and rock your thumb against her bundle of nerves until she trembles under you. Jade throws her hips into you, fingers pressing into the back of your neck with alternating grip. You curl your fingers upwards and she gasps sharply.

She tosses her head back, showering her hair everywhere, and you watch as her toes curl and her hips twitch and for a moment she can’t breath right. You withdraw your hand from her panties and move to kiss below her ear. Jade laughs a little when she regains enough air.

“wow,” she says again, her hand sliding down from your neck to grasp a handful of your shirt collar idly. “that was quick even for me.” She waits a moment to catch her breath and you draw your tongue over the curve of her jaw. She reaches over to palm your hard on through your jeans. “wanna go again??”

“hell yes”

== >

You wake up with Dave’s face in your bosom. He has his glasses back on again and you have no idea how he can sleep like that. You lost your glasses sometime while you were sleeping but your eyesight isn’t bad enough for this to cause an issue for you. It’s easy to nudge Dave off of you, when you grab his shoulder to move him he automatically rolls over in the opposite direction. It’s four in the morning, the same time you always wake up, so you don’t expect him, or anyone else for that matter, to be awake.

You pull your shorts on just in case someone is awake. Fortunately, it’s fairly warm so this is really all you need to not freeze to death and technically that’s just for John’s sake. You find your glasses laid neatly on the bed side table, likely by Dave. It’s too dark to move about so you use your phone to make it out to the hallway without tripping on anything and close the door behind you as to not wake Dave up with the hallway light.

You sleepily head down the stairs, combing a bit of your hair out with your fingers as you go. Bec jerks upright as soon as you step into the living room. He wags his tail and gladly picks himself up to head straight for the door.

“i am going. just hold your horses,” you say, standing over him momentarily to ruffle his neck and ears. You open the door to let him out and leave him to his business to check on your poor cousin. Even from outside his door, you can hear Karkat’s loud, even purring. Everything he does is loud, really. You crack the door open quietly, though you doubt either of them would actually hear it anyways. If they had started out on different ends of the bed, they certainly didn’t say that way. They’re clinging to each other in the middle of the bed now; John’s head is well placed at the base of Karkat’s throat and Karkat is hugging his head awkwardly. It’s very platonically adorable.

Leaving the door open, you head back upstairs. Dave hasn’t moved from the position you left him in leading you to believe he is actually still asleep. He’s in his boxers, at least, so you don’t think there’s going to be an issue. Carefully, you pick him up under his back and knees and start carting him downstairs. He wakes up about halfway down the stairs.

“holy shit it’s four seventeen in the morning what are you doing??” he says, but you can tell he’s still mostly asleep. You also have no doubt that’s the exact time, either, however he did that.

“shh. go back to sleep dave,” you whisper back to him. He rubs one of his eyes irritably under his shades.

“are you fucking carrying me?? i’m like one eighty what the fuck??”

“shh. you are going to wake up john and kat,” you insist sharply. He doesn’t say anything else. He’s too tired, anyways. You carry him back to John’s room and place him on Karkat’s other side. Karkat stops purring for a moment until Dave curls against him. You snatch off Dave’s glasses quickly, waving them at him as you exit the room again. You close the door behind you and toss toss his shades on the table beside the couch as you pass by.

“come on bec,” you whisper out the door. He comes padding in gladly and you lock the door. You feed him a bit of food from your sylladex in the kitchen before heading back upstairs to bathe. Of course as an explorer you keep way more stuff on your person that you’ll probably ever need, but it doesn’t hurt anything. You spend a good amount of time combing your hair out and braiding it up out of the way.

Bec’s waiting patiently for you when you finishing dressing for the day. He’s as used to your schedule and jet lag as you are. You don’t go anywhere without Bec, after all. You stretch yourself out in the livingroom and your faithful companion joins you.

“you want to go for a run bec? you want to go for a run?? lets go for a run.”

== >

Your bed is thankfully empty when you wake up. To be fully honest, sleeping has never been an issue for you. In fact, the issue has been more frequently the inability to remain awake, but still you think Jade was right. Though there’s no real way of saying if it was Karkat or not, you did sleep better than usual. However, you’re equally as willing to put that on the fact that you actually ate yesterday, or even on the high that you really should not have been on.

You only feel regret now. Of all things you shouldn’t have gotten high with Dave and Karkat. It’s bad enough you’ve basically given them permission to live here. Jade’s favor definitely doesn’t help you. You roll over to check the time. It’s too early for you to start getting ready for work but you’re not in the mood to go back to sleep, either. The only thing to do is check on Jade.

The first thing you smell, thankfully, is coffee when you leave your room. You don’t hear the shower running and no one’s in the livingroom, so you’re not sure where your other guests went, but Bec is laying on the floor in the doorway.

“oh! good morning john!” Jade greets you pleasantly from where she sits with her coffee at your little table.She points you in the direction of the pot she’s made which is weird because you don’t own a coffee pot. All the same, you decide to pour yourself a cup and fill it half with milk and too much sugar for it to still be coffee. You sit down alongside her.

“did you sleep okay?” you ask. You did offer her the bedroom upstairs, but you’re concerned she fell asleep on the couch. She nods actively.

“mmhmm!” she answers, smiling at you. You look elsewhere. “what about you? did you sleep alright john?”

“yeah,” is all you say. You don’t want to tell her you slept better because she’ll attribute it to Karkat. You’re not saying it wasn’t because of Karkat, but you not saying it was either. Regardless, you don’t want Jade inadvertently doing something to make your unwanted guest feel even more welcomed. You’ve kind of screwed the pooch on that one by yourself really. “where’s dave and karkat?”

“i sent them out to get some stuff for breakfast. you dont have anything here!” she scolds you. This is probably because you haven’t done any real shopping basically ever. At least it feels like ever. “they should be back fairly soon,” she tells you. The nearest store isn’t really within walking distance of here, so she probably lent them her truck. This makes you uneasy.

You don’t really say anything to her. You’re still tired enough to not entirely be awake and not interested enough to make pity conversation with your cousin. So you just stare into your coffee in hollow silence. Jade appears to be perfectly content with this, too, for a little while at least. When you proceed to continue to say nothing for a couple minutes, she reaches out and touches your arm.

There is nothing about this that isn’t familiar. It’s the universal sign of ‘emotion breakthrough express’. You consider fleeing but as soon as this thought enters your mind, Jade tightens her grip on your arm. She’s not going to let you out of this.

“are you ready to talk about it john?” she asks. You shake your head. You are not ready for this. Then you continue to shake your head to the point that it’s completely unneeded and irrational but you can’t stop. If you stop you’ll start crying because you know what she wants to talk about and you know you need to talk about it but you also know that she doesn’t _really_  want to hear it and she doesn’t _really_  want to be bothered with you. Shaking your head, as it turns out, is not an appropriate way to prevent yourself from crying.

So you stop shaking your head and just start crying. You take your glasses off and hold the crook of your arm against your eyes to desperately stop them and you can hear yourself apologising, but you don’t really mean to.

“john,” Jade says, and she’s on you quickly, hugging you tightly and you just cry harder and cling to her for whatever kind of contact you can get. You’ve disconnected yourself from everyone for so long now, you can’t remember the last time to properly hugged someone or even really had contact with someone. You can’t stand it. You can’t stand being alone but you can’t stand being with people either and you hate it because you’re trying. You really are trying and it just doesn’t work. “it is okay john. it will be okay.”

“i’m sorry jade. i’m sorry. i don’t want to be a bother. i’m sorry. i’m sorry. i’m sorry.” You can’t shut up now and you can’t stop crying and realising this only makes it worse. She doesn’t say anything, though, and that does make it a little better. After a few minutes, you manage to pull yourself together enough to catch your breath and at least pull away from her. She holds onto your face softly.

“it is okay john,” she says again. “we will help you no matter what you need okay? jane and jake and i are here for you. okay??” You nod slowly. Of course, you knew this already. They’ve assured you before but you didn’t want to be a bother. You still don’t want to be a bother. Jade hugs you again. Fortunately, you’re now too tired and numb to cry anymore. She pulls away and retrieves a towel from above the sink for you to wipe your face off with.

“do you want to go to work today?” she asks. You know she’s trying to be helpful but it just sounds condescending to you.

“yeah,” you answer. You can still work. Or what you call work at any rate. “i’ll be fine,” you assure her even though you don’t know that for sure. Now that you’ve slipped a little bit, you’re pretty sure you’ll be okay for at least another couple weeks. Maybe you could convince Jade to leave this alone for a while. You’re not willing to try this now.

“alright. i think you should take some time off though, john.”

“yeah. i’ll- ask about that today.” That part she may be right about. You could use a break. A part of you is glad for this development. The rest is punching you in the face because there’s nothing wrong with you. You’re just a little stressed out is all. You’ll take a little vacation and everyone will see you’re fine. You’re always fine.

“yo got the food” Dave announces loudly when he enters and effectively allows you the best escape route from this situation you could think of.

“WE DIDN’T GET EGGS.”

“kat’s afraid to eat the brown ones and that’s all they had”

“YOU WOULD BE TOO IF THEY WERE WHATEVER WEIRD GROSS COLOUR HUMAN EGGS ARE.”

“i’m gonna have to say they’re probably red but that might just be me thinking too much into it”

“i’m going to get ready for work,” you tell Jade and she just smiles faintly at you. You know your eyes are probably bloodshot and you’re not about to face either of them.

“WE GOT SUBSTITUTE INSTEAD.”

“that’s probably more likely to be made out of baby trolls” Dave says. He turns his head towards you as you pass, but you’re not fully sure if he’s actually looking at you. Not that it matters, you’re out of his sight soon enough all the same.

“that will work! you two give me a hand!”


	5. Love and Other Drugs

Jade only leaves long enough to take John to work then she’s right back putting you and Kat to work cleaning the house. You really don’t have anything better to do today, so you don’t particularly mind her making you carry trash bags to the curb, or hold books while she dusts the shelving, or do laundry that has probably been sitting around for months. She puts Karkat in charge of scrubbing the walls and floors which he does more than willingly. It’s not that he likes cleaning, you don’t think, it’s just that he likes having a place _to_  clean.

Officially, no, this technically isn’t your place, but you now have a key and there will be no turning back from that. If you play this right and luck’s on your side, John might actually come to like you and Karkat. His cousin certainly likes you which is a major plus on your side. She ends up telling you stories the entire time.

She tells you about how John and his sister, Jane, used to have prank wars with their father that would leave their house in a near inhabitable state for anywhere from a few days to months. You also find out that John’s father had purchased harlequin merchandise for years to an obsessive point because he thought John actually liked the stuff and it wasn’t until their father moved into the old folks home that they all found out no one actually liked the bullshit.

Mostly, though, Jade tells you about how happy John used to be. How excited he was when he was finally able to ask his girlfriend of only a year to marry him. He used to be so happy to go to work and see movies and play the piano and all sorts of things. You can only think about how far he’s fallen. She doesn’t know what caused it, either, but that’s not exactly a surprise to you.

Then she tells you she hopes you’ll help him get better. You can only half smile at her. If this works out in your favour and somehow a miracle happens and you and Kat get your lives back together, then you’d be more than happy to help John out with his problems. Until then, you and your matesprit’s needs come first. Anything that helps John is completely coincidental.

Jade, fortunately, is pleased enough at the state of John’s home by the time noon rolls around. She orders some pizza for your good work and while you’re waiting for it to arrive, Karkat helps her make a shopping list of things he can cook. You make use of the iron you uncovered in the upstairs closet and press the suit that’s been crumbled up in your sylladex for the last couple months.

Your lawyer likes to get onto you about keeping it clean and ‘presentable’ even though more often than not she’s the one that ends up dirtying it. You figure since you can, you might as well save yourself from her complaining about it tomorrow. You were actually doing pretty good on not getting arrested until that asshole behind the corner market got pissed off for reasons you’re still not sure about. He was probably drunk.

It’s never fun going before the judge, but you can at least be unconcerned about it. You were lucky enough to make very good friends with one of the best, if not _the_  best, lawyers in this town; Terezi Pyrope. You were more than friends for a while, actually, before Karkat finally agreed to date you. You’re actually pretty sure Karkat finally agreed to date you just so you wouldn’t be dating Terezi. He probably still has a crush on her. It’s pretty adorable.

She can’t actually have him and if he left you for her you have no idea what you would do, but it’s adorable all the same. You’re crippling insecurities are only soothed by the reality that Karkat is still with you through all of this. He could do so much better than you.

You hang your newly iron suit on a hanger carefully and dangle it over the pantry door. You’ll look so much better appearing before the judge when you tell them you actually have a roof over your head. Sure, you’ll have to stretch it a little bit, but it’s not as if they’re going to call and check it out or something and even if they do, John will surely give you a break. It’s not like _you_  ruined the guy’s life.

“pizza!” Jade calls and you unplug the iron before heading into the living room. You hop over the back of the couch to flop beside your matesprit and he growls at you for shaking the couch so much. You lean against him, wrapping an arm around his shoulders and nuzzling his neck affectionately. He scoffs at you and you press your mouth against his neck where little wisps of ink crawl up out of his collar.

“we should go get our hair cut next week kanaya’s been dying to give you an undercut anyways” you murmur against his skin, running your fingers through his hair. He chitters and you feel his throat vibrate against your lips. “rose is going to give me hell”

“SHE ALWAYS GIVES YOU HELL,” he snaps back. “AND SHE’S ALWAYS RIGHT.”

“not always” you scoff back. “just usually”

“ALWAYS,” Karkat assures you sharply. Yeah. Okay. He’s right. Jade sets the boxes down on the coffee table and and grins at you two. You feel like she’s the kind of person who would really get along with Nepeta. They’ll probably never meet, unfortunately.

Karkat demolishes two of the pizzas on his own and you and Jade split the third. It’s mostly had through awkward silence, much to your unease. You know Jade wants to know more about you and Kat but she’s polite enough not to ask, which is for the best really. You’d probably end up lying to her, anyways, and that’s something you’d like to avoid if possible. There are things in your life that are just better off kept between you and your matesprit.

Despite what Karkat thinks, you really tell him basically everything. You can be a little distracted at times, of course, and sometimes forget to tell him things until you remember or he asks, but that’s not on purpose. In fact, the only thing you can think of that you’re honestly keeping from him is something that is completely irrelevant to your relationship all together. It’s just one of those things that you’ll keep to yourself and ignore if it comes up. You hardly think that’s something for him to piss over, though.

Ultimately, no one says much of anything and after lunch, Jade leaves with her dog to do some shopping. This leaves you all alone with your matesprit in a nice house that has a wonderful bed upstairs just calling your names. You’re not the only one that hears it, either. Karkat waits the patient fives minutes that you really didn’t need to make sure Jade hasn’t forgotten anything before grabbing the first of your shirt viciously and dragging you upstairs.

How long has it been now? A week at least from the last time you’ve been near a proper bed. Probably even longer. However long, it’s longer than you would have liked or preferred.

== >

According to your secretary, you have apparently gained far more vacation days than they really would have liked you to. This is supposedly because you have the nasty habit of coming in to work on your days off. You never did it on purpose; you just never thought about it. You got up every day and went to work and no one told you to leave so you didn’t. Since your company allows you to collect vacation days instead of simply giving you a week or two a year, that means you’ve collected over six months of paid vacation.

They were very insistent of making you take them now, too. So much so that you weren’t even allowed to finish your work day. It’s better than being fired, you guess. You’re still getting paid and you can come back eventually, but you weren’t exactly ready to take a six month break from your work. Really, that was the only thing you had to cling to at the moment. Now you’ll just be sitting at home doing what?

You decide to stop at the store on your way home and by the time you get there, you’ve forgotten why. All the same, you wander inside and pick up a few things without really thinking about it. You pick up another set of sheets and blankets even though you’re sure you have a spare set in the closet somewhere. You pick up a new hammar, as well. It’s been awhile since you’ve even needed to use your specibus but you feel like you should be prepared.

It’s probably because Jade’s visiting and you always feel a little more paranoid after she’s stopped by. However, it’s also equally likely that wow you really probably shouldn’t be letting two strangers stay in your house. Amazing realization! Surprise! You don’t understand what’s wrong with you.

When you do finally get home, Jade’s truck is nowhere to be seen. She is an active person though, and you’re home much earlier than she probably expected, so you’re not surprised. You hope she won’t be staying another night. As much as you love your cousin, last night was way more than you could honestly handle right now. You could have gotten fired. You’ve got to stop letting Jade talk you into things.

You follow the little cement path to your front door and head inside. Oh god, she cleaned your house. How are you supposed to thank her for that? You didn’t even need your house cleaned. With a sigh, you toss your bags onto the couch and rub your hands together tiredly.

“fuck fuck fuck yes fuck kat yes”

Things get better from there because two hookers are once again having sex in your house. You’re not sure if it’s better or worse that they’re not on the couch this time. Then again, your preference would be for them not to do it at all. Well, you mean, not in your house at least. You barely know them! How is this not weird for them, too?

Because hookers.

You turn the television on and the volume up in hope of drowning them out. It doesn’t work, of course, but you can try. Desperately, desperately try. You head for the kitchen, only mildly glad that Jade had not, in fact, done any shopping for you. You will do your own shopping when you’re ready for that. Honestly, you can take care of yourself. There’s a suit hanging on your pantry door and you’ll take a wild guess and say it’s Dave’s. It’s kind of faded and probably second hand.

That’s not surprising, obviously. What had he said last night? He was reported for trying to prostitute himself, right? You’re not sure exactly what he expected to happen, but that probably means he’s going to have to stand before a judge. You’d assume, at least. He’s missing the bottom half of his tie. How does a person even lose half a tie?

You pull the red material from off the hanger and rub it between your fingers. There’s no way you can deal with an angry troll by yourself. You can barely deal with Karkat now. He’s kind of scary, actually. Harmless, you’re sure, but still pretty scary. You undo the knot of your own blue tie and leave it in place of the red one. The thought process behind this is obscure to say the least. You doubt a tie is going to help him out.

Even so, it’s not like it would hurt anything.

“hey guys! come out here and give me a hand!” Jade calls from the front yard. You flinch slightly. She didn’t. You head outside to find out that she definitely did. She grins at you. “you are home early, john!”

“jade,” you murmur, glancing at the groceries she’s brought back with her. “how much did you spend on all of this?”

“what? why? i did not get a receipt. i forgot it,” she replies. You don’t believe that for a second. You pinch your fingers around the bridge of your nose and relieve the marks left by your glasses. Jade lets Bec out the back seat before she starts shoving bags at you. You nearly drop them in her haste.

“seriously jade. i don’t need you buying stuff for me,” you assure her as she grabs another arm load and starts heading inside with them. You follow her reluctantly.

“ugh fine! like two hundred dollars okay?” she finally says. She’s so extravagant. You probably won’t even eat any of this stuff. You can’t recall having ever spent that much on food before so she’s probably bought enough for your unwanted guests as well. That’s great. Everything’s great. “hey! stop going at it like rabbits and come help out!”

“HOLD YOUR GOD DAMN HOOFBEASTS!”

Jade rolls her eyes. It’s great that she brought your attention back to the noise though. You could have done without that. You follow her back outside to collect the rest of the groceries and fortunately out of range of the noise. Bec circles around your lawn cautiously. Jade knocks her hips against yours gently but the sudden bump nearly knocks you off your feet.

“come on, john,” she says. “give them a chance. you might actually like them!” Yeah, you’re sure Jade really ‘likes’ Dave. She acts like you don’t know what’s going on in your own house. Jade can take care of herself and so can you. “i mean, do you even have any friends, john?”

You flinch. That’s not fair. Just because you currently are not friendly with anyone doesn’t mean you’re going to make friends with hookers. And, yes, okay, maybe you’re being a little judgemental. You get it. Sex workers are people, too. However, these are two hookers who are actively trying to seduce you for no clear reason. You don’t know what they want from you and they have to want something because there is no way either of them actually like you.

“just be nice to them. maybe you will be surprised!” she promises. You don’t think you’ll be surprised. You gather up the last of the bags once Jade steps away from the truck and cart them inside after her. Bec runs in past your feet and you nudge the door closed with your butt.

Dave and Karkat are in the kitchen already. Dave’s examining the blue tie you’ve left in place of his ruined one. He looks at you and you do the stupid thing of looking back at him. When he opens his mouth, you expect him to say something about it, anything at all.

“yo do you care where we put this stuff away or what??” he asks. You don't know what you were expecting, quite honestly. You can't fully register the question because of this and end up staring stupidly at a confused Dave.

“i think kat should decide! he will be doing most of the cooking, right?” Jade says. You quickly avert your eyes to Karkat. He scoffs loudly and makes a noise in his throat, but he doesn’t disagree.

“if john doesn’t mind” Dave translates. You shrug half heartedly.

“i don’t care,” you murmur. It comes out colder than you really intended it to. You can’t think of eating right now. It’s not like you cook all that often, anyway. Jade frowns at you a little bit but once again, neither Dave nor Karkat really seem to notice at all. They start putting things away and you start feeling like a stranger in your own home. You’re not sure how you allowed them to do that.

Bec starts barking viciously only a few minutes later. You watch as Karkat carefully migrates behind his boyfriend. It’s very clear he doesn’t like the dog. You can’t really blame him for that. Bec can be dangerous and for good reason. Jade, of course, is only confused and disoriented though, like she’s trying to recall something not at the front of her head. This is exactly what she’s doing. Your forgetful, sometimes narcoleptic cousin can still occasionally be very forgetful and very narcoleptic no matter how much she claims to have grown out of it.

“oh! fuck!” she yelps. “fuck fuck fuck!” Jade pulls her rifle out and rapidly checks it for ammunition before slinging it to her back. “i gotta go like yesterday!” She grabs you by the shoulders and gives you a friendly kiss on each cheek. “into the truck bec! i will talk to jane and jake, okay? they will be in touch soon! i seriously have to go but i will see you in a week or so!”

You don’t have a chance to answer before she’s out the door. All you do is kind of wave and assume she saw. She probably didn’t. You hope she forgets about Jake and Jane, though. They don’t need to be dragged into this, too.

“is she always like that??” Dave asks.

“yes,” you say. “she’s always like that.”

== >

You are one hundred percent convinced that this guy is a weirdo. Maybe not a violent weirdo, but a weirdo nonetheless. Coming from you, a homeless mutant troll in a weird relationship with a human that just happens to be slightly unusual for most of the word, that’s really saying something. It may just be his obvious depression [you’re a troll, you’re intune to things like that] but even beyond that, he’s just plain weird. Supposedly that’s not a bad thing, but you’re still not one hundred percent sure he’s not violent.

Your moirail uses blunt instruments and he’s a nutjob. They say you can tell alot about a person by what specibus they choose and you’re pretty positive blunt instruments usually are chosen by violent people. So you’re not exactly thrilled to have to spend basically all of tomorrow alone with him. Dave hasn’t said so, but you know he wants you to at least try to flirt with John while he’s gone. You’re not going to do that.

Normally you wouldn’t have a problem with that, regardless of how bad you are at it, but with John it’s just so strange. Not because he’s ‘hetrosexual’ and not because he’s depressed. It’s more like, well, he doesn’t deserve it. Like he doesn’t deserve to be used like this. That’s a goddamn lie, though. People, humans and trolls alike, deserve bad things to happen to them by nature. You don’t care how good a person someone may seem to be, or even if they actually are, everyone does bad things, or thinks bad things, or wishes bad things to happen, and everyone deserves to have those things come back to them. It’s just nature. The world is a terrible place where terrible things happen for no reason.

To say someone doesn’t _deserve_  to have bad things happen to them is just- weird.

“so what are you gonna cook up tonight, my bangin’ lil’ housetroll” Dave asks, wrapping his arms around your waist and leaning his chin between your horns. You glance toward John slightly. He’s staring at you, but you don’t think he’s actually looking at you. He’s too distracted for that. You and your matesprit both have weird eyes for two completely different reasons. Dave’s is hereditary and no one in his family really knows what causes it as of now. He’s not albino, that’s for sure. Yours, of course, is due to your mutation. Your blood doesn’t have the right pigment so your eyes don’t.

John’s eyes are unusual, but for different reasons. They’re blue, which is normal enough, but it’s almost like they’re luminescent. When he stares they remind you of cold, flat doll eyes; pretty but lifeless. You wouldn’t go so far as to say creepy, but if he decided to glare at you, you’re not sure what you would do.

“kat??” Dave murmurs against your ear. You twitch slightly and quickly swat him away.

“WHY DO YOU ALWAYS HAVE TO BE SO CLOSE TO ME?” you snap at him, waving your hands at him to back him away. He doesn’t, of course, grabbing one of your wrist and twisting you into his chest.

“don’t be nasty” he says. “you’re going to hurt my feelings”

“YOU HAVE THOSE?”

“my heart” Dave says dramatically, placing a hand over the wrong side of his chest and leaning back. You hook your foot around his ankle and he hits the ground pretty hard. John’s actually looking at the two of you now, cluelessly open face stoic and bucked teeth peering out from between emotionless lips. He has really big eyes.

“CHICKEN AND RICE,” you finally scoff. John doesn’t seem to eat red meat or fish, so you’re not entirely sure what you’re supposed to be doing. That being said, you’re going to go ahead and do whatever you want. If he’s not going to eat at all then why bother trying to make something he’ll like? You don’t have the patience for that bullshit.

“oh sweet” Dave coos from the floor. You nudge his feet away from you a little and he swiftly hops back to his feet. He gives you a quick kiss that you begrudgingly accept. “are you going to pack me a lunch, too?”

“NOT ON YOUR FUCKING LIFE,” you puff. Dave grins at you.

“not even for terezi?”

“I THINK TEREZI CAN AFFORD HER OWN LUNCH,” you assure him.

“do you need a ride?” John asks suddenly. You’re not sure he actually meant to offer. Why would he offer, after all? He doesn’t even like you. Dave is aware of this, but he takes it as an offer anyways.

“that’d be great, bro”

“you have a license right?” he questions. He would literally rather let Dave borrow his car then drive with him. Why are you not surprised?

“yeah no worries squeaky clean record and everything” Dave promises. What he doesn’t say is that, that’s only because he’s only been on the road with other drivers a grand total of twice. You do what little driving there is to be done. You’re not that concerned. Dave isn’t stupid, no matter how much he acts it.

“good. that’s good.” He doesn’t say anything else. It’s pretty clear he has no real intention of socializing with either of you. As he goes to leave the kitchen, as awkwardly as ever, Dave quickly stops him.

“whoa wait a minute” he says, grabbing John’s arm suddenly. John flinches at the contact. “bro you can talk to us you know”

“uh.” John glances halfly at the caramel coloured hand on his shoulder.

“look i’m sorry about before alright? habits and everything let’s be honest now the only person that let us stay with them without wanting sex was a freak that tried to clip kat’s horns off in the middle of the night” Dave tells him. John slowly removes Dave’s hand from his person. “we’ll back off okay??”

“thanks?” John replies stiffly. He probably doesn’t believe Dave. He shouldn’t because Dave’s lying through his fucking gorgeous teeth. There’s no way he’s going to willingly give this up. He’s head over heels for the guy for whatever ludacris reason. It’s not even like you staying here actually depends on winning him over anymore, Dave literally has no plausible reason for this beside his own confused agenda.

You don’t know what he’s expecting from John, anyways. This is twice now that he’s heard you and Dave going at it. If he wasn’t interested before, and he definitely wasn’t, then he’s certainly not interested now. You’re not sure what part of that is hard for Dave to understand, but you can go ahead and guess ‘all of it’. For being more charming and just in general more of a people person than you are, Dave is pretty clueless about other people’s feelings. Having been raised by his brother, this is understandable.

John points toward the door slightly, indicating that he’s going to leave, but again, Dave stops him.

“do you have a phone we could use?” Dave asks. If he calls Rose from here, Rose is going to come here. This seems like a good way to overstep your boundaries, but John is clearly a push over. He demonstrates as such by directing Dave towards the study after a moment or two of hesitation.

“there’s a phone in there,” he says. He almost says something more, but the words don’t leave his mouth. He leaves quietly for his room where he says the rest of the day.

You bring him food later, but you don’t think he eats it. However, this is neither your problem nor your concern. It’s not like you can physically make him eat, after all. You and Dave have free range of the house. You’d nearly forgotten how great it was not sleeping in the street. Granted, it’s not like you sleep in the street all that often, but some of the places you end up are not much better than the street. Some people will actually make you get out of the bed during the night and sleep on the floor.

Yeah, you hate people.

This is nice, though. The house is warm, despite the still broken window, and you end up just sitting with Dave on the couch most the night. It’s probably been even longer since you actually got to sit down with your boyfriend. He does ramble on for a while before you finally have to tell him to shut his dirt fucking mouth, but other than that, it is very nice. Dave’s intentions are clearly going to run this arrangement straight into the ground, so you’re going to enjoy this while it lasts.

You still have faith in Dave, though. As surprising as it is, you still believe he knows what he’s doing. God you’re as much of an idiot as he is.


	6. Wonderland, Alice

You wake up before you have any real desire to. It’s cold and your chest feels heavy for no particular reason. You don’t, or rather can’t, go to work today and it feels bizarre for you. When was the last time you stayed home all day? Probably long before you started losing track of the days. You used to have a very busy life, after all. You used to go places and do things constantly. Now that you think about it, though, you can’t recall what you did. It was all useless and meaningless, after all.

If you get dressed, maybe you could bring yourself to leave the house. However, you quickly realise that you have nowhere to go. As if to validate your reasoning for not doing anything today, you also recall that you, for some reason, lent your car out to a hooker, anyways. You decide that you continue to do these things just to have excuses. If you can blame your faults on anything, and anyone, but yourself, then they’re not really your faults, right?

Eventually, you push yourself upwards and manage to get yourself to sit upright at the edge of your bed. You push your hair back, distantly combing through the little knots with your fingers. The early morning coolness that usually seeps through your room has been replaced by a warmth that only makes you want to go back to sleep. One of them must have turned the heater on.

Through sheer will power, and the growling from your stomach reminding you that you didn’t eat anything last night, you shuffle out of your room. Quietly, you close the door behind you, partially out of habit and partially just to satisfy your own compulsion. You can hear the television from the hallway and thus are completely unsurprised to find Karkat sitting on your couch watching some terrible movie. He looks at you mildly and grumbles a distant noise that you assume is a good morning.

“morning,” you reply lowly, sitting yourself on the opposite side of the couch, far away from the troll. The shitty romantic comedy playing on your tv doesn’t interest you in the slightest. You start watching it, but in the end your eyes end up wandering toward Karkat. He’s not wearing a lot of his ‘outfit’. There’s no leather, only his cotton tee and boxers. Most of his piercings are out, too, aside of a few you guess he either sleeps with or started putting on before deciding not to finish.

You can see his tattoos now which were previously either covered or hidden under dark. He has quite a few of them, you notice now. They curl around his arms and out from under his shirt and down his legs in patterns and twists and designs seemingly too intricate for body art. Many of them seem to be nothing more than patterns or textures, but you can make out a crab on his ankle and some words that you believe is a Will Smith quote. Custodian is written across one of his wrists and you wonder absently if he had one. He mentioned a brother, though, didn’t he?

More obvious is the sign on his shoulder. While there is a huge variety of signs for each caste of troll, you’ve never seen this one before. Then again, you’ve never seen a mutant before, either. In retrospect, this should be a bigger deal for you, dealing with a mutant and all. Mutants stopped being the most hated thing in the world a very, very long time ago. Now they’re just sort of odd. Sort of like albinos, you suppose, only more useless. Mutants, after all, can not reproduce. You don’t understand what the big deal is.

“CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?” Karkat snaps at you suddenly and you realise you’ve been staring unwavering at him. You don’t look away.

“sorry,” you apologise without really meaning it. “i haven’t seen you without all your-” you gesture to him slightly. “get up.”

“LET ME GUESS,” he scoffs sharply. “I’D LOOK BETTER WITHOUT IT. WHY DO I DO THESE THINGS TO MYSELF. I’D BE SUCH A ‘CUTIE’ WITHOUT ALL THE WEIRD JUNK,” he growls. You’ll be perfectly honest, exactly none of that occured to you even slightly. You look away, folding your arms over your chest, coincidentally mimicking your guest.

“not really,” you reply. “actually, you look kind of weird without it.” That may be because you’re already so used to seeing him primped up and decked out, but you don’t put that much thought into it, either. Karkat doesn’t say anything else, signifying the end of this conversation. It stays that way too even as Karkat pauses the television and leaves the livingroom for the kitchen.

You have to listen to him move around loudly and excessively for about ten minutes. Well, you don’t have to, but what else are you really going to do? He returns with a plate of food that he drops unexpectedly in your lap as he passes by. You nearly drop it when he flops back across the couch from you. He’s made you a breakfast sandwich. You’re not sure what to say.

“thanks?”

“I CAN’T HEAR THE TELEVISION OVER YOUR STOMACH GROWLING,” he snaps at you.

“ah. sorry.” You didn’t think it was that bad. All the same, you eat. You’re too hungry not to and he did go through the trouble of making it for you. For being so loud, Karkat is awfully quiet. “dave’s gone, then?” you ask.

“YEAH,” Karkat answers plainly. You let a few more seconds of silence come between you as you swallow down a bite of food.

“how long do you think he’ll be gone?” you question.

“I DON’T KNOW,” he grumbles, clearly getting more irritated with you. You don’t find this particularly surprising, though. He does seem like he has an extremely short temper if what you know about him so far holds up. This, surely enough, should instruct you to leave him alone, then, and you mean to. However, your mouth doesn’t really care what you ‘mean to’ do.

“does he, uh, get arrested often?” you ask. Karkat glares at you for a moment. To be fair, you’re not sure you’ve ever seen him not glaring just as you’ve never heard him not yelling. He motions to the television with one hand pointedly.

“TRYING TO WATCH SOMETHING HERE,” he reminds you. You guess it’s kind of hard to believe that he’s actually invested in his crap. You watch him for a moment long before averting your eyes back to the television as well.

“sorry,” you murmur. Karkat lets out a sharp ‘hrmp’ of a breath and the room lapses into a silence that is only cut through by the awful movie. Still, your curiosity is not sated. Honestly, you’re not sure why you feel compelled to speak with the angry, kind of rude, troll to begin with. He obviously doesn’t want to talk to you. Even with that thought in mind, words still leave your mouth, “you don’t say much, do you?”

“FOR FUCK’S SAKE. NO, NO I DON’T. IT’S USUALLY BETTER IF I DON’T, ANYWAYS,” he snaps at you, but doesn’t look at you. You only view him from the corner of your eye. You’re head is probably playing tricks on you, or maybe it’s the angle, but he almost looks disappointed.

“did dave tell you that?” It slips out. By the way Karkat reacts, this is the absolute worst insult you could have ever mustered from the depths of your mind.

“NO DAVE DID NOT FUCKING TELL ME THAT,” he yells. You’re actually surprised there is a volume louder on his voice. That can’t be natural. “YOU DON’T THINK I CAN FUCKING TELL WHEN I SCARE SOME ‘OH SO POOR’ FUCKER OUT OF HIS GOD DAMN WITS? ‘OH NO, THE MEAN OLD MUTANT YELLED AT ME. IT’S DEFINITELY GOING TO KILL ME NOW. LET ME NOT WALK CLOSER TO IT.’ ‘OH NO, A CROSS SPECIES COUPLE IS ARGUING IN THE PARK. BETTER CALL THE COPS. OBVIOUSLY THIS IS AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP.’ OH YEAH. I DEFINITELY NEVER NOTICE THAT. AND I CERTAINLY NEVER NOTICE HOW THE PEOPLE, WHO ALREADY DIDN’T FUCKING LIKE ME TO BEGIN WITH, LIKE ME EVEN LESS AFTER ACTUALLY TRYING TO TALK TO ME. WOW. THANKS. IT’S A MEGA BOOST TO MY EGO TO KNOW THAT YOU THINK DAVE IS ENOUGH OF AN ASSHOLE TO TELL ME NOT TO TALK. REALLY. I’M JUST HURT.”

“okay, okay, i’m sorry,” you insist as soon as he has to pause to take a breath. “jesus you’re not that scary.” Really, you didn’t think it would be that easy to set him off. You weren’t even trying to set him off and in the future will likely avoid any mentioning of their relationship. It looks like it’s mostly muddy waters anyways. “you’re probably more bark than bite, anyways,” you add in under your breath.

You see him part his lips and you assume he’s preparing another breath to assault you with, but he doesn’t. This is, well, quite odd honestly. Not that you push it at all. You are no longer compelled to speak to him.

== >

“YOU GOT LUCKY TH1S T1M3, D4V3,” you lawyer says as you follow her from out of your borrowed mode of transportation and into her office building.

“luck had nothing to do with it the coin flip is always in the statistics ain’t it??” you reply. She grins her sharp teeth at you like a shark’s mouth and goddamn if that isn’t sexy, but hey, you’re a weird guy.

“OH SHUT UP. ON3 D4Y 1’M NOT GO1NG TO B3 4BL3 TO G3T YOU OFF, YOU KNOW,” she warns you, but it’s an idle threat without an ounce of seriousness hiding behind it. She’s the best lawyer in this town and if it weren’t for ‘personal reasons’, it would probably be this country.

“you always know how to get me off, terezi” you answer with an ironically phony voice of seduction. Terezi shoves you into her office with a sharp push, almost smashing you straight into the doorframe. Allowing a blind troll to lead you is not exactly the wisest of ideas.

“YOU KNOW WH4T 1 M34N,” she teases you. You tease back.

“then the world will cease to exist as we know it and i will be ushered off to jail for a crime i did not commit and kat will be heartbroken awaiting you to fix him up” you swoon pitifully. Terezi is a stickler for the laws. If you were in the wrong, she wouldn’t hesitate to throw you in jail, close friends or not. However, she hasn’t and you don’t think she will, because as you’ve stated before, you are not a prostitute. Terezi knows you and she knows your friends. You do wonder sometimes, though, if she in fact gives you more leeway than the average client. Not a lot, just enough. You wouldn’t dare test this as you are not actually an idiot.

“TH4T DO3S R3M1ND M3, THOUGH,” she murmurs, organizing some papers on her desk. You know from experience that most, if not all, of these papers are either blank or junk mail. It’s just for show, really. “YOU DO R3M3MB3R G4MZ33 G3TS OUT 1N TWO W33KS, R1GHT?”

“yeah i remember is he actually ‘rehabilitated’ or what?” you ask, sitting yourself down on the top of her desk and tossing you top coat aside.

“4S LONG 4S H3 ST4YS ON H1S M34DS,” she assures you.

“awesome” you answer and even you aren’t sure if you’re being sarcastic. Karkat will probably feel better with his moiraband back. You know, as long as said moiraband doesn’t flip his shit again and attempt to murder people. Or he might not. Karkat hasn’t talked to you about it yet but he likely will when he’s ready. If there’s one thing you know, it’s not to push Karkat into anything he legitimately doesn’t want to do. “what about the accounts?”

“ST1LL WORK1NG ON TH4T,” Terezi assures you, but it doesn’t sound promising. You don’t really have any hope for it, anyways, so you can’t be disappointed. At this point, you’re not even sure what’s in there would help at all. She grabs your tie suddenly, yanking you towards her and sniffing the material aggressively. “WH3R3 D1D YOU G3T TH1S D4V3? 1T DO3SN’T SM3LL L1K3 YOUR USU4L G3T UP 4T 4LL.”

“present from a nice new john” you say.

“D4V3!” she scoffs. “TH3 R3D ON3 W4S MUCH B3TT3R.” She yanks you forward again, but this time intentionally. Her cooler lips meet yours in what starts out as gentle meet and quickly diverges into biting and rough housing. She takes the upper hand easily with razor sharp teeth and wicked tongued. Just because you definitely, certainly, under no circumstances are a prostitute doesn’t mean you can’t know what people like. In fact, it doesn’t mean much at all.

You, without doubt, know what Terezi likes. You know what she likes and she certainly knows what you like and your likes are very, very compatible. In fact, your entire relationship with her had been, more or less, smooth sailing. Which was probably why it failed so horribly. You need friction to prevent from tumbling into your own stupid idiocy. Not to mention, speeding down the slope of relationships only to suddenly hit a patch of immense roughness will, as you both discovered, fling you both off of the slope of relationships.

What she had, and as far as you know, still has going on with Gamzee continues to make you more than a little uncomfortable. That could be, however, because you wouldn’t touch that guy with a ten foot pole in all honesty, but it also could be because you were never really one hundred with the black roms. It just never really made any sense to you. You don’t judge, of course. You have nothing to do with that, anymore.

You’re just friends with a lot of benefits now. You’d say no one was getting hurt, but she snaps that shark like teeth onto your collar just a little too low and you can’t really say that. You hiss through your teeth.

“i hope you realise you just ruined my only suit” you remind her. She grins sharply.

“NO ON3 W1LL NOT1C3,” Terezi promises. Oh yeah, no one’s going to notice the blood stains and rips on your shirt. You don’t think that will buy you pity points. Not that you ever make an effort to appear in court.

“whatever you say ms lawyer” you agree. You bought this shirt for a nickel. No point in getting upset over it. She pulls your legs around her hips before working on getting your now ruined shirt off, now deciding to care of its well being. You can already feel her bulge squirming under her skirt. Terezi in a skirt is still the funniest damn thing you’ve ever fucking seen. She presses her nose against your slightly exposed ribs, hey you don’t eat well, and takes a deep breath.

“YOU SM3LL L1K3 K4RK4T.”

“nothing gets past you, does it?” you reply. She bites you some more, basically on whatever she can get her mouth around and you’re not making any arguments. The lengthy time between visits means any scars she might have left before have faded already. Few others mark you like Terezi does.

“WH3R3 1S H3? W1TH TH1S MYST3R1OUS ‘JOHN’ OF YOURS?” she comments, hastily undoing your pants with amazing precision. Sight would only slow her down.

“yeah you know how he gets” you say, sliding fingers under the edge of her skirt as she comes up to kiss you again, adding to the little scratches around your mouth already. You don’t have much of a say when she basically rips your pants off of you. Yep, good ol’ Terezi for you.

“FUCK1NG YOUR N3W ‘FR13ND’?” she laughs. You snort.

“doubt it i’m beginning to question whether that guy can even get it up anymore” you insist yanking the hem of her skirt up around her waist helpful. Her bulge wriggles actively in her boxers. How she hid boxers which are, undoubtedly longer than her skirt, under said skirt is beyond you. You don’t question lawyer magic.

“P3RFORM4NC3 1SSU3S?” she asks, grabbing one of your thighs quite suddenly and throwing you off balance. This was likely her intention as she leans over you immediately and supports herself on both of her hands that box you in. Her hips meet yours roughly and all at once her teal-tinted pseudo-cock is flush against your anus. You grab her shoulder habitually.

“more like mental issues” you murmur. The natural, teal coloured lubricate is enough for Terezi to take you quick and rough without any further preparation. You’ll admit, you really needed this. “fuck!”

== >

You are, without a doubt, absolutely sure that there’s something wrong with John. There’s no way there’s not. He’s just too calm about all of this to be right in the head. No one says you look better in your typical clothing. Not people like him, at least. Other people like you, or friends, maybe. Some people do the whole ‘you look good in whatever you feel comfortable in’ bullshit, but no one actually says you look better in it. You’re not saying it’s a good thing. Personally, you honestly don’t give a fuck what people say about you. It’s just, weird is all.

Even fewer people, people actually fewer than no one, are chill with you yelling. Dave is probably the only person who wholeheartedly and honestly has never really been bothered by you yelling. Your friends might not mention it, or they might, but you can tell. At least he doesn’t really try to talk to you again for the rest of the day.

You just kind of sit on one end of the couch and watch movies while he sits on the other end and stares blankly at the telly. It’s actually kind of nice, all of John’s weirdness aside. You don’t have to worry about what you’re going to eat tonight and there’s a bed that now smells like you and your boyfriend. It’s more than you’ve had in a long time. Usually you don’t stay in one place for more than a day or two either because you don’t want to burden friends or you get kicked out.

You don’t think John is going to kick you out. Actually, now that he’s given you and Dave a key for some unfathomable reason, you don’t think that he physically can. The only way he’s getting that key back now is if he pries it from Dave’s fingers and that’s not an easy feat to accomplish. If you consider it, though, it’s more likely that he’s quietly asking for some help.

God dammit, you’re going to help him aren’t you? Of course you’re going to fucking help him. Fuck.

“yo i’m home mofos” Dave announces as soon as he’s through the door. He comes over and flops down on the couch, occupying the space between you and John. That cuts some of the tension, at least.

“whoa! jesus what happened to you?” John asks and you’ll admit, you’re a little surprised. You didn’t think he had that emotion. Dave cranes his head slightly to look at the spots of blood appearing on his collar. John was probably referring to the bite marks in his face, though. No doubt Terezi’s having a good laugh about that.

“nah it’s cool” Dave promises. John is not convinced. “could go for some food, though” he tacks on and looks to you expectantly with pitiful puppy shades.

“MAKE YOUR OWN FUCKING FOOD,” you snap back.

“i’m going to go get some bandages and neosporin,” John murmurs, slowly picking himself up off the couch and leaving you alone with your lover. Dave leans over to give you a peck on the lips which you don’t actually respond to.

“no jail time for this innocent man”

“YEAH? AND WHAT ABOUT THE GUILTY FUCKING DOUCHEBAG?”

“oh i love the way you’re always an asshole to me” Dave purrs, and you can see him fluttering his eyes beneath his stupid shades. You chitter low in your throat in an annoyed fashion. Carefully, and slowly admittedly, you take his shades off so you can kiss him properly. You are glad he’s not going to jail, of course. You love him. Mostly. Usually. He’s just really irritating a lot of the time.

“SHUT THE FUCK UP,” you grumble. He just smirks his stupid Terezi-bitten lips in reply. You’re not jealous. Not like you used to be, anyways. Past you was kind of a moron.

“tz says that sollux wants us to drop by immediately or ‘sooner than already there’ whatever the fuck that means” he tells you. “but she also says that we should probably wait three or four days because apparently he’s having a dispute with ampora again”

“WE WERE JUST OVER THERE,” you note sharply. With your new lay out so cozy, you’re not entirely ready to hop back on board the roomie’s express.

“yeah i know we ain’t gotta if you don’t wanna” Dave assures you. He sits back again and pushes his shades to the top of his head. This strikes you as kind of odd. John returns and attempts to hand you a box of bandaids and a tube of neosporin. You scowl at him.

“DAVE CAN DO IT HIMSELF,” you growl. You’re not bandaging shit. John wearily attempts to pass the materials to Dave, who waves a hand at him instead.

“i’ll do it in a bit i’m tired bro” Dave says. John looks back at you with a stoic face.

“he’s not going to do it, is he?” he asks. You shake your head. They’re minor at the best. Plus, there are very few diseases that trolls can give to humans and you severely doubt Terezi has any of those. There’s really no need to tend to them. John sighs, sits beside Dave, and begins to do it on his own. Dave lets him, of course.

“well??” Dave murmurs and it’s not obvious, but you know he’s talking to you. No, you don’t particularly want to go see Sollux. However, he is a good friend of yours and you know he does occasionally need your and Dave’s help. It would be kind of dickish not to go help him.

“FINE,” you huff. “WHATEVER. MIGHT AS FUCKING WELL. HE’LL FUCKING GRIPE ABOUT IT LATER IF WE DON’T.”

“cool” he replies. John glances at you slightly, but he doesn’t look like he’s going to ask. It’s none of his business anyways. You’re still not sure what Dave really wants you to do. John’s pretty set in his ways and once again, there is literally no need. Maybe being away for a few days will make John feel better, too, you guess. Or worse. Fuck if you know. “yo thanks for doing this for me, john”

“it’s, uh, no problem. they can just get infected pretty easily i know,” he comments absently.

“your ex was a biter, huh?” Dave asks smugly. John doesn’t answer immediately. You see him stiffen his jaw and it makes you a little anxious in reality.

“could we not talk about her?” John says. Dave stops smirking.

“yeah sorry man sore spot for you, isn’t it?” says captain obvious. Yeah. You’re the one who shouldn’t talk to people. John doesn’t reply. Whatever Dave’s trying to accomplish, he’s fucking it seven shades of up. “free kiss for patching me up” Dave promises, pointing to his jacked up mouth gladly. John doesn’t even have to think about it.

“uh. i’ll pass.”

“worth a shot” Dave shrugs. Was it? Was it really? You stare coldly at him, though to be fair to yourself, you really can’t help it at this point.

“right,” John replies, nervously looking away.

“hey” Dave says suddenly, immediately giving away the fact that he’s likely going to ask something that he really should. John glances back to him automatically. He seems to not be able to decide whether he wants to look at people or not and it’s kind of weird for you. “since you’re not going back to work do you think you could do a favor for us??”

“um,” John enunciates painfully slow. He very obviously wants to break eye contact with Dave, and you don’t really blame him for that, but he seems to be physically incapable of it.

“bro i promise it’ll be easy we just need you to come down with us to the courthouse and sign some shit that says we’re not living on the street, yeah?”

“i-” comes the hesitant reply. Before he can continue, the phone rings and immediately John takes his out. “should go answer that.” He leaves the room calmly and as soon as he’s out of sight, you punch Dave hard in the thigh.

“WHAT THE FUCK IS YOUR PROBLEM?” you snap at him. Dave leans over to you a bit to whisper.

“gamzee’s getting out” he says.

“WHAT?” You mean, yeah, that’s great, but what? “TEREZI’S OKAY WITH THAT?”

“man i don’t know you know i don’t put my nose in that bullshit apparently they found a combination of enough hardcore medication to doze him the fuck out” Dave murmurs.

“jane slow down. i’m fine, i promise,” you hear John in the other room and you try to lower your voice a little.

“WHAT ABOUT THE MONEY?” you ask. Dave shakes his head slightly. You’re not surprised really, but you could really do with that money.

“terezi wants us to put down for him he’s going to stay with his brother and mituna though she thinks kurlos’ who cult thing is bad reliability so activate those moirail powers you got there”

“FUCK,” you breath and shift back on the couch. You’re not entirely sure you’re ready to see Gamzee again. Or forgive him for that matter. You don’t know how Terezi has forgiven him already. Of course, you’re not going to refuse, but if he fucking assaults anyone else you don’t think you can stay in that relationship.

“dude” Dave says suddenly, even quieter. “listen” And you do. It doesn’t take much to figure out what he’s talking about. You glance over the back of the couch in the direction John disappeared to. He’s speaking Alternian which is kind of weird considering it’s mostly a dead language in this day and age reserved mainly for royalty and idiots like you to impress said royalty. You eavesdrop long enough to hear the word ‘prostitute’. Big surprise there. You stand and Dave adjusts himself on the couch. “where’r you going?”

“TO PISS. WHY? DO YOU WANT TO HOLD MY FUCKING HAND?”

“can i??”

You kick him as you walk past.

“love you babe”

== >

You really hope Jane isn’t going to come down here. She'll bring cake and then she’ll stand in your kitchen and make cake when she could be using that time to get work done. You’d feel just awful if you were the reason something went wrong in her cooperation.

You are absolutely sure that the knock that awakens you in the morning in your older sister. You have no idea when you fell asleep on the couch, or why for that matter, but it leaves your sore and the chill coming through your still broken window is ridiculous right now. The next knock is louder and you quickly check to make sure you’re wearing clothes.

“coming! sorry!” you yell, stumbling tiredly to your feet and briskly taking to the door. You lock the door then unlock it again and wonder why your door wasn’t locked in the first place. It doesn’t really matter, you guess. On one hand, it’s not your sister on the other side of the door. On the other hand, you’re not sure if this is actually any better.

“Hello. You must be John,” she greets.

“you’re rose lalonde.” Rose Lalonde is standing on your porch. You glance around, confused and alarmed. To be fair, at no point in your life had to ever expected to have a famous person on your doorstep ever. Did you mention ‘ever’ because that’s important.

“I am,” she answers. “Are you going to invite us in?”

“uhh.”

“yo lalonde maryam that must be a record”

“Dave. Staying in one place for more than a day. When do you get your gold medal?” She and her companion invite themselves in, brushing past you calmly.

“oh man it’s in the mail four to six weeks for delivery”

The fuck is going on.


	7. Panic Switch

Rose Lalonde is in your living room. You’re not even that big of a fan of her work, but holy shit Rose Lalonde. Voted ‘Measures’ magazine’s most influential person two years in a row. Author of a book that won so many awards she probably had to build a room just to put them all in. Also supposed author of what is known to be one of the most difficult books to read this century. Girlfriend of what is considered one of the most attractive trolls in the world Kanaya Maryam.

You should really do something. You should do something that isn’t stare with your jaw clenched. You’re only glad that they’re too busy talking to pay you any mind. Now you’re more confused about your homeless prostitutes than before. ‘It’s complicated’ shouldn’t mean ‘I have a good friend Rose Lalonde that drops in from time to time but doesn’t house me’. This, in theory, shouldn’t currently be your main concern, but it is.

“Would You Like One, John” You jump slightly, jerking to face the very tall troll offering you a hard cider.

“oh. no thank you.” Is this even your house? What the fuck is happening? What did you do? Kanaya looks you over again, seemingly curious. This, obviously makes you nervous.

“You Look Familiar” she says.

“i do?”

“Hmm” she hums as she opens her bottle. She says nothing more about it, though, instead moving on to pick through Karkat’s hair with one hand. That wasn’t unnerving at all. “I Wish You Wouldn’t Go So Long Without Letting Me Give You A Haircut”

“THERE’S NOTHING WRONG WITH MY HAIR,” Karkat snaps back.

“And Look At The State Of Your Horns”

“I’m guessing you still haven’t apologised to Dirk?” Rose says, propping her feet up onto Dave’s knees and making herself more than comfortable in your living room just like everyone else. Aside from you, that is. You’re uncomfortable in your own fucking living room.

“fuck no” Dave answers. “not gonna, either”

“So the question of who can be more stubborn continues,” she comments, taking a small, pointed drink of the cider. Dave scoffs. Kanaya glances towards you again, making you more nervous than it should. “I hope you know the only thing this proves is that you’re both massive assholes.”

“yeah well one of those assholes is living on the streets so who’s the real asshole here”

“And you’re suggesting that’s because of Dirk?” Rose laughs. Kanaya moves on to pick through Dave’s hair who more or less lets her do as she pleases.

“he made it pretty fuckin’ clear how much he hates kat” Dave assures her, taking a moment to remove his shades and dangle them from the collar of his shirt. This manages to cause some confusion in seemingly everyone but you. It’s not mentioned, of course.

“Dirk doesn’t hate Karkat,” Rose emphasizes with a pointed sigh. “It’s understandable how skeptical he was-”

“is” Dave corrects automatically.

“I mean look at your love life. When have you ever been serious about someone? _Of course_  he’s not going to drop everything for some fling. No offence Karkat. The only thing you’re proving by being so quote-unquote ‘proud’, is that you’re willing to go to great lengths to spite him,” she draws on calmly. Dave rolls his eyes.

“the world doesn’t revolve around him”

“Oh come off it. You _know_  if he thought you were serious about this, he’d drop everything in a heartbeat,” Rose scoffs. Kanaya is suddenly picking through your hair with her fingers and nails, startling you. You lean forward at once.

“Am I Cutting Your Hair As Well” she asks with an obvious expectation to do so anyways.

“uh. no thank you.” There’s nothing wrong with your hair. Plus, you’re really uncomfortable accepting favors from people, let alone strangers.

“dude” Dave says, likely glad to break away from whatever argument he definitely wasn’t having with Rose. “it’s a free haircut”

“i-” You were actually pretty invested in their conversation. You kind of think you have the right to know why the two homeless people in your house are homeless.

“It would be exceptionally rude to refuse a free haircut from such an amazing stylist as Ms Maryam,” Rose assures you with a smile that you don’t think is sincere at all. Kanaya doesn’t look like she particularly cares one way or the other.

“you’re not seriously going to turn down a free haircut” Dave pokes again. What you’re not about to do is have this stupid argument. Honestly, you could care less at this point and you’re not willing to fight about it.

“yeah,” you sigh. “alright.” What’s it really going to hurt? With that argument settled, the conversation once again moves away from you. Kanaya sets up a chair and little desk by an outlet in your living room. She motions Karkat to sit and he briskly does.

“speaking of flings,” Dave says. “remember the sub i had freshman year??”

“The one you were head over heels with for like a week? Distantly, yes,” Rose nods in agreement. Dave smirks at her. “You didn’t.”

“THAT WASN’T?” Karkat asks loudly.

“it so was”

This is a conversation of which you have been left out of. Not that this surprises you in any way. This only proves that your prostitutes are very good at keeping secrets and will likely continue to be. You’re only real concern is that they might be hiding something that you would so strongly be against that you would _have_  to kick them out. You honestly aren’t sure what that would be all things considering. Murder’s pretty bad, you guess.

You watch as Kanaya takes a pair of clippers to Karkat’s head. He relaxes completely. Trolls tend to be very weary about other people, other trolls especially, being behind them with clippers, so you have to assume they’re very close. Vriska used to go out of her way to always see the same stylist. She’d never say who. Or maybe you just didn’t listen. When you think about it, it did seem like your fiance kept a lot of secrets.

The four of them discuss things that you aren’t too interested in. You sit to the side patiently like a child waiting for their parents to finish a conversation in a house without a friend your own age. They talk and laugh and just seems to enjoy each other’s company and you don’t really want to be here. This is mainly because you don’t really have a use in being here. You don’t think you’d really have anything to add to the conversation anyways.

“What do you think, Mr. Egbert?” She hates you. That’s the only obvious answer. You must have done something wrong and now she hates you and feels the need to torture you with this discussion.

“john,” you murmur in reply. “you can just call me john.”

“he wasn’t listenin’ to a word you said” Dave assures her. You flattening out the wrinkles around your knee awkwardly.

“sorry,” you say quietly, certainly not refusing that fact. Of course you weren’t listening, you didn’t think you’d have to participate. If she didn’t hate you before, she probably does now.

“Let me bring you up to par-” What the fuck did you do to make her loathe you like this? “The new Mother Grub law indicates that all mutant grubs that pass the trials are required to be given a ‘blood’ test and given to a parent of at least one of its true input effectively making it impossible for a mutant to receive a grub of their own at all. If it was incredibly difficult before, it will be even more so for a parent or more to receive a child _at all_.”

Not only do you have exactly zero expertise on this subject, you really don’t have an opinion, either. You couldn’t even get married without fucking it up. What business would you have trying to take care of a kid? Not to mention you’ve never seen a mutant before Karkat and thus this holds no effect on your life what so ever. What is she expecting you to say.

“that’s- pretty specific,” you note. This doesn’t actually make a lick a sense. Rose looks at you odly. Great job self. You just made an absolute fool of yourself in front of a lovely famous person. Life goal achieved.

“Well it’s not to punish the mutants,” she goes on, either humoring you or making fun of you. “That’s simply an unfortunate side effect. There simply aren’t enough willing mutant parents to take care of what few mutant grubs there are-”

“rose stop” Dave insists. “that’s not how you make friends this is why you don’t get invited to those parties” Rose scoffs slightly. That was such a weird topic to dive into. You feel like you’ve missed a step somewhere here. You mean, you can not fathom Dave and Karkat being child people. By all means, they’re still just kids, too.

“There You Are Karkat” Kanaya says, definitely pleased with herself. You glance toward them as Karkat brushes the newly shaven sides of his head. He seems content at least. That’s a lie. He never looks content. He looks annoyed as if the very task of breathing is tedious to him.

“THANKS,” he grumbles back, hopping out of the chair and combing his hair back with his fingers. Kanaya motions Dave over to take up the now empty seat which he plops himself on gladly. He fixes his posture a little to make it easier on her. Rose gesture Karkat to come toward her with a delicate gesture.

“I’ll polish your horns for you,” she says. Karkat agrees mildly.

“now remember i want to look like a massive tool”

“I Stand By The Idea That That Was A Perfectly Acceptable Haircut” Kanaya insists. “Your Head Is Shaped Like A Mockingjay”

“what does that even mean”

“Stop Moving”

You watch Rose take a file and a bit of wax and start on grinding the flaky layers of Karkat’s horns off with gentle movements. He moves his head calmly with each one, an unusually solemn expression painted on his normally angry looking features. They must all be really good friends.

“So you’re a hetrosexual?” Rose questions. You’re not sure how she’s picking out these questions but you would really like her to stop. “Not to invade, of course, it’s simply that it’s very rare that they make friends with a hetrosexual male.” How surprising, considering they’re both male prostitutes. You’re not sure what to say to this.

“man could you be anymore obvious” Dave says blandly. “seriously it’s just a rooming thing”

“Alright alright,” Rose shrugs slightly. “It’s just curious, is all.”

“Finished” Kanaya announces rather soon. However, she seems to have only fixed up the ragged ends of Dave’s hair instead of trimming him down completely the way she did Karkat. She looks to you suddenly. Your next, clearly, and she nods you over pointedly. Reluctantly, you make your way over and she pulls you into the seat firmly as if you would try to escape otherwise. She goes about measuring your hair with her fingers and just generally fondling your head space. “Do You Want It Short”

“yeah. that’ll be fine,” you assure her. She gives you a ‘hmm’ of disagreement. It’s kind of weird to have a stranger stand behind you like this. It’s weirder considering people literally pay her hundreds of thousands of dollars just for her to style their hair and here she is doing it for free. Yeah, that’s fair. She grabs your jaw suddenly, moving your head as she feels necessary.

“You Have A Very Nice Face Shape” she compliments, pulling at your sideburns slightly. “Im Going To Start Cutting”

“okay?” you agree. It’s clearly too late to not do this. As if that was ever a choice, really. You keep still, trying not to pay attention to the sound of the clippers behind you. You’re not worried about her injuring you, you’re just not entirely sure what she’s going to do to your hair. You guess it doesn’t matter, though. Your hair will grow back.

You watch Karkat gladly fondle his newly polished horns, the smooth surface nice and shiny now. You sigh distantly. You used to sit and polish your fiancee’s horns while the pair of you watches a movie. It seems like a very long time ago now. It probably was, you think. It’s been a very long time since you’ve had people in your house like this. You lose days so easily now a days.

You doze off part way through your haircut. You didn’t sleep well last night on the couch, after all. You still aren’t sure why you fell asleep on the couch. The yank on your ear is what wakes you up after an undetermined amount of time. That kind of hurt, actually. You blink slightly, searching for your glasses that have been removed during your slumber. Kanaya hands them to you and you fix them on your fave quickly.

“egbert with an industrial really??” Dave teases. You move your head away suddenly, unaware that he had been so close to you. He still has his fingers on the cuff of your ear, so you immediately end up hurting yourself even more. You grab his wrist quickly, removing it from your person.

“don’t- don’t do that,” you murmur, rubbing the shell of your ear mildly. This is when you find the cold metal bar fitted from the front curve of your ear to the back. “did you put a bar in my ear?”

“bro you were out like a light” Dave assures you. Which is a totally reasonable excuse for having messed with you. You stand suddenly and Kanaya gives you a questioning look. She doesn’t say anything to you and you quickly excuse yourself to the bathroom. You really hadn’t meant to sleep like that. That was a mistake. It shorted your time having to socialise at least.

You examine yourself in the mirror. You don’t look like you. That’s not to say she did poorly. No one in their right mind could say that. It’s just you don’t even recognise yourself like this. You quickly take the bar out of your ear, more than a little annoyed that it hasn’t closed up yet. More bad memories that you could definitely do without. You ruffle your hair and take another look.

This is worse. You look like you did when you met your ex. This leads you to pushing it back again, the way Kanaya had styled it for you. You can’t say this is that much better. Your face looks so worn and without your hair hiding it away, you can see how time has worn on you. All those days when you literally had to force yourself to eat, the days spend staring blinding at a screen too bright, the nights overslept without any comfort. You rub your eyes as if it’ll wipe the bags straight off your skin.

It doesn’t. You air out your shirt calmly. Could be worse. You’re not sure how.

When you return to the living room, Rose and Kanaya appear to be preparing to take off. Undoubtedly they have very busy lives to get on with. They both look at you with a certain air of concern that you feel is insincere if not obligatory.

“thank you kanaya,” you note with a mild smile that hopefully doesn’t look at painful as it feels. “it looks great. not that i expected anything else.”

“Certainly” she replies, but she has no other words for you. You’re still unsure what she meant by you looking familiar. Perhaps she isn’t either, though. That’s for the best, you think. She isn’t familiar to you.

“It was nice meeting you John,” Rose smiles at you, a look that is smug in every way. You don’t want to know what that means at all as it definitely doesn’t mean anything good for you. She and Dave exchange cheek kisses while Karkat and Kanaya part with polite nods. You’re just glad to have your house back. You know, despite still having two visitors pinned to your residency list. You watch them climb into the back of their car and take off.

Dave touches your shoulder suddenly. His complete lack of respect for personal space is going to be the end of you. You shrug out from under his touch swiftly, putting some space between the two of you. He’s put his shades back on by now, much to your fortune.

“yo we even?” he asks.

“even?” Yes, is what you want to say. Yes you are even and he should leave and never come back so you’ll never owe each other anything ever again.

“free haircut for surprise guests?” he notes.

“yeah,” you answer halfly. That’s fine. You don’t care. You don’t understand how that makes sense to him, but the more thought you think about it the more it makes your face throb. It’s better to just move on at this point.

“cool” Dave smirks at you. You need a nap. “by the way-” Nothing good ever comes after that. “we’re gonna be out for a while have some stuff to take care of so don’t be surprised if we’re not around”

That was definitely better than you thought it would be.

“alright.”

== >

Five days with Sollux is too many. You are sore and tired and quite frankly ready to get back to your not quite home. Your first stop is to sleep for a day or two. Besides, you think it was probably a good idea to leave John alone for a little while. You and Dave did sort of shove a lot on him all at once. You’re surprised he didn’t snap.

You do love Dave but he is just a dumb motherfucker sometimes. All the time. You meant all the time. He needs to get his shit together so you can finally leave John alone. There is absolutely no way the two of you can help him in any way. You guarantee he’s way too far gone for that. He needs serious help like therapy or something.

The taxi drops the two of you off right outside his house, the driver not having a care about the condition of your clothes or the very heavy scent of honey that now wafers from pretty much everywhere. Dave pays him and the two of you head instead, using the key you’re still completely unsure why John gave you. There’s still a hole in the window which reminders you why.

Dave flings himself on the couch. It’s actually incredibly nice to have somewhere warm to return to without having to worry about being clean or getting kicked out. There’s a shower you can use. And an acquaintance you know distantly.

“UH-”

“Oh. H-hello Karkat,” Aranea smiles at you mildly. Dave sits up suddenly, peering over the back of the couch. This is so weird. She’s very obviously disheveled and her makeup is left over from last night at the very best. She spent the night here? With John? “And you must 8e Dave,” she murmurs. “I- didn’t expect to see you here.”

“WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?” you demand immediately. She is taken aback at once, but is quick to defend.

“Pardon, 8ut I may ask the same of you.”

“we’re livin’ here chika” Dave assures her. You wouldn’t say that, but then again you’re not sure what you would say. He’s not incorrect at any rate.

“Oh,” Aranea says. “ _Oh_ ,” she repeats as if she’s made a fantastic discovery. This is so not what she’s thinking. “I should go.” And she does, quietly and quickly out the front door. She didn’t. Not with John. He didn’t. Surely.

“you know her?” Dave asks.

“MEENAH’S MOIRAIL,” you murmur.

“oh man that’s weird” he replies. Weird doesn’t cover it. You severly doubt John went out and seduced someone while you were gone. There’s no way that’s what happened. Wasn’t Aranea in a matespritship with Porrim? Sure enough a few moments later John comes shuffling out of his room, holding his pajama pants at his waist. He looks you over then glances to Dave mildly.

“did she leave?” he asks. You can already see the dark purple bruises blooming over his skin where he’s been bitten and grabbed and held. You nod slowly. John ruffles the back of his head softly before turning back and heading for his room again. He stops though, pausing briefly to look back on you and Dave as if to say something. He even goes as far to part his lips before ultimately saying nothing and disappearing into his room.

“good talk” Dave says to no one in particular. He throws himself back down on the couch, rubbing his lower back slightly. “could really go for a massage” he wriggles his eyebrows at you suggestively.

“FUCK OFF.”

“mean”

You are not sure John is what you thought he was now. You assumed him to be dumb and fragile, and yeah he definitely is those things, but there’s no way he just happened upon another cerulean on accident. He had to have left the house pinning after someone like that surely. Maybe? You don’t know the kind of groups John travels in, if any at all.

This is going to come back and bite him in the ass, you just know it.

“I’M GOING TO SHOWER.”

“don’t use all the hot water”

“I’LL USE WHATEVER THE FUCK I WANT.”


	8. Full Homo

You wake up at four am hungry and annoyed. Dave is clung to your waist like the needy thing he is, face pressed into your stomach and arms tight around your midsection. You kick him off you immediately and he naturally rolls over without the slightest of noises. You’re not going to bother waking him up as he likely won’t even if you tried and he’ll get up on his own when he smells you cooking food. You pull on a pair of pants and head downstairs. Sleeping in a real bed lately has really done you and your sore body some good, that’s for certain.

John is already in the kitchen, pondering around likely in look of something to eat. It’s a miracle if he is, as he hardly eats let alone actually seeks out food. He looks to you as you enter the kitchen but only greets you with the mildest of nods. You shove him away from the cabinets and he moves away from you quickly. You don’t need to tell him anything, he just sits at the little table and proceeds to rest his face on the top while you go about gathering ingredients.

You don’t try to talk to each other. It’s already been proven that’s a pretty bad idea. This is perfectly fine with both of you, as it’s too fucking early to try to deal with one another anyways. Not that you dislike John, even if it’s incredibly likely that he dislikes you, but you’re not really a small talk kind of troll. Sure enough, as soon as you start frying sausage, Dave appears in the kitchen doorway like he melted out of the shadows.. He rubs his head as if it’ll make the messy mop look any more reasonable before sitting down at the table with John.

John doesn’t lift his head. This should be a pretty clear sign to Dave that he doesn’t want to talk. It is. Dave doesn’t care.

“coffee??” he offers, gesturing to the pot you’ve already put on. It’s an empty motion.

“sure,” John agrees, words muffled by the skin of his arm. Dave moves from the table to fill three mugs full of coffee, milk, and copious amounts of sugar. He sets one on the counter next to you and gladly pecks your cheek with a kiss as he goes by. You snap your teeth at him. He slides the other one across the table as he sits down. John pushes himself upright slowly, murmuring a nearly inaudible thanks. Then Dave does proceeds to be dumb as hell.

“so had fun while we were gone” he comments. John replies with a grimace and an agitated noise of discontent. He makes no verbal answer, however. This is not a conversation that needs to be had, especially with Dave. “hey no stones to throw here once a cerulean always a cerulean eh?”

“could we talk about something else?” John asks more aggressively than really necessary. “literally anything else,” he insists, making an abrupt motion with one hand. Dave holds his hand up passively. John sighs again, rubbing the bridge of his nose under the rim of his glasses. A moment of silence lapses between them.

“you regret it already?” Dave eventually murmurs quietly. John nods. “yeah we’ve all been there man” It’s not a fun place to be. You throw down a pair of plates for them.

“HERE,” you scoff.

“thanks babe” Dave smirks at you. With a sharp exhale, you sit yourself between them.

“yeah. thank you karkat,” John says with less enthusiasm. You watch him pick over his plate for a few moments. You still find it odd how he came to find Aranea of all people. You’d ask him, but unlike Dave, you are not fucking stupid. The conversation moves forward with no intention of returning.

“oh right kat give ’im the goods” Dave brushes the back of his hand against your shoulder idly. You scowl at him.

“EATING,” you snap. He gives you a gentle shove and John watches the two of you worriedly. You don’t blame him to be honest. With your current track record he’s probably not expecting anything good. You growl at your boyfriend, but reluctantly get to your feet to get the cardboard box out of your sylladex. It takes a bit of doing, but you manage not to break anything.

John peers into the box curiously. Carefully, he takes out one of the ceramic cat statues and examines it. There’s about thirty of them in the doughnut box, each only about two or three inches tall and painted generously in pastel colours. Each tiny fake kitten is posed in a different cat like manner. He doesn’t seem to understand why you’d give these to him. He’s not the only one, that’s for certain.

“kat broke like twelve of your figurines and felt kinda bad about it” Dave explains, palming one of the tiny felines idly.

“I DIDN’T,” you assure him. You don’t feel bad for shit.

“where did you get these?” John questions.

“don’t worry bro it was like a quarter for the whole box” Dave promises. “old ladies and their yard sales” John looks into the box again, still looking fairly confused about the whole ordeal. You told Dave this was a dumb idea. He didn’t even like those stupid figurines. No one liked them. Jade had told him that.

“pft,” John smiles. You’re confused. Dave is also confused. You just kind of stare with your fork halfway to your mouth as John chuckles into his hand. Holy shit, he’s adorable. He puts his head down slightly, the soft curls of his laughter shaking his shoulders. Slowly, he raises his head again, a calm smile still painted on his face. Still, though, his eyes look flat; unalive. “thank you” he says.

“yeah” Dave murmurs, covering his mouth with his hand. He’s blushing pretty obviously. Alright, perhaps you understand a little more. That doesn’t mean Dave isn’t a moron, though. You chitter loudly, returning to your meal.

“i’ll put these on the shelf,” John says, standing and tucking the box under his arm. You watch him leave before looking back to Dave sharply.

“YOU FUCKING DIPSHIT,” you hiss, kicking his knee.

“it’s fine” Dave insists. “chill”

“YOU BETTER BE RIGHT.”

== >

You’re pretty reluctant to put your name to anything your two new roomies need. No offence to them, but you don’t even know their last names. Like most things, though, you find yourself doing it anyways because ‘no’ isn’t a word you know the definition of. The three of you head down to the civic station and you give them your name and a scan of your identification crest and try not to be concerned of the bad things that could come from this.

You don’t even know this guy. Dave assures you that it’ll be fine and that you’re not really responsible for them, they just want to know that they’ve been associating with good people and living somewhere stable. With that done, they’ll be able to help their mysterious jailed friend. You never did catch why he was in jail in the first place. Murder’s still pretty bad, you guess.

They stay outside while you fill out the paperwork. It’s likely because they’re pretty intimidating to look at and let’s be honest, you’d prefer if they didn’t end up causing unneeded trouble. They’re sharing a cigarette at the corner of the street when you finish up. Dave grins at you as you approach. You hand him the papers of which he immediately passes on to Karkat.

“yo thanks really” Dave says. “you’re really helping us out a lot i promise you don’t have to worry about us for a while” You, unsurprisingly, don’t believe this. “no more surprises man maybe i can finally get my shit together”

Karkat looks away from the papers at you. He scoffs loudly, folding them in half and sticking them in his sylladex for later retrieval. You don’t think Karkat likes you very much. Dave flicks his cigarette to the ground, grinding it out with the heel of his boot.

“let’s grab some lunch” he suggests, pulling a plastic card out from the magical spaces of his fingers. Well, from his sleeve actually. Has he been reading your tome? “i have a macadiddles gift card”

“WHO’D YOU STEAL THAT FROM?” Karkat huffs loudly.

“steal is a strong word more like exchanged ownership i did them a favor” he insists. It could be worse, you suppose. Again, you’re not sure how. “gonna pick up my camera too finally got enough cash to pay eq”

You watch quietly. You’re not really part of these conversations, anyways. Plus, you’ve learned your lesson about asking questions that you don’t want to know the answer to. Though you continue to want to know more about the two, mainly for your own safety, every time you do learn more, you immediately want to know less. You’re not cut out for this.

It’s easier to walk through town then drive. The exercise is probably good for you, even though even the slightest bit of physical activity makes you want to cave in on yourself. Dave and Karkat walk ahead of you while you follow up like the third wheel you are. Still, Dave holds the door open for you expectantly when they enter a little run down shop.

The little bell rings and immediately an olive blood appears from behind the counter. You can hear her purring from all the way over here.

“hey nep”

“hi karkitty! hi dave!” she pipes up gladly, hopping over the counter with a single bound and approaching them. She swerves between Dave and Karkat to comes face to face with you. You give yourself your personal space back by stepping away. “you must be john!”

“yeah?” You’re not sure who she is, however.

“he’s in the back, yeah?” Dave question, hopping over the counter. ‘Nep’ turns on her toes, her tails twitching happily. That’s weird. That’s so weird.

“yup! knock furst please” she insists. Dave raises a hand to signify he heard her and disappears into the back of the tiny store. She turns back to you immediately, smiling like it’ll break her face if she doesn’t. “i’m nepeta” she introduces herself.

“it’s- nice to meet you nepeta,” you answer politely. She bounds away back over the counter and sits herself down where you can only see the tips of her triangular horns. You glance toward Karkat as if he’ll offer an explanation. He doesn’t, of course. She’s nice enough, you think, if not odd. Nepeta pops her head back into sight and curiously lays her arms on the counter top, tilting her head in thought.

“so wait” she says. “you’re vrisker’s ex-matesprit right? why did you-”

Karkat covers her mouth swiftly and suddenly.

“no,” you insist pointedly. “what was she saying?”

“NOTHING,” Karkat snaps. “SHE DOESN’T KNOW WHAT SHE’S TALKING ABOUT. SHE’S SCREWED IN THE HEAD,” he assures you quickly. Nepeta chomps into his hand viciously, making him curse loudly but freeing her all the same.

“no,” you repeat. “tell me what you were going to say.” You point at her aggressively. She peers at you for a moment before bounding off down the hall. That’s great. That’s just perfect. You did something dumb and you don’t even know what it is. Obviously your two prostitute friends are friends with someone who’s friend’s with your ex. You don’t know what you expected.

“Should I mention that your brother has been 100king for you”

Dave wanders down the hall with a blue blood behind him. Nepeta is curled around said blue blood’s shoulders and neck like a feline. She doesn’t actually fit and the site itself is funny to watch. You know, if you weren’t currently trying to think of what you did to screw yourself over.

“dirk? nah fuck that guy” Dave assures him.

“Ah. No. I was speaking of the other one. The odd one” he murmurs. Dave hops back over the counter, a very expensive looking camera dangling about his neck. He captchalogues it safety before slinging an arm around Karkat’s neck affectionately.

“really?” he murmurs. “i’ll look out for him thanks”

“LET’S GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE,” Karkat snaps.

“yeah yeah let’s go thanks again equius”

“Certainly”

“bye karkitty! bye dave! bye john! it was nice to meet you!” Nepeta purrs happily.

“yeah,” you sigh. You know better than to expect an answer. You hate your life.

== >

It’s a quiet couple of days. You and John spend most of it on opposite ends of the couch as Dave is generally spending his time looking for work. Unlike before, he’s actually getting call backs. It definitely helps that he has a place to clean and call his home. Dave’s actually really happy to have people looking into his portfolio again. Dave wasn’t exactly sad before, and honestly, he’s no one to expression his emotions outright anyways, but you can tell.

John doesn’t do much. In fact, he appears to be spending most of his time sleeping lately. You think this is because he doesn’t know what else to do with himself. That’s alright, though, as this means it’s basically your house to do as you want. That’s not exactly new, but you still can’t get over it.

Dave flops on the couch next you and gladly throwing his upper body into your lap. You chitter at him loudly, but for now, it’s kind of nice. You’ll never admit that. He reaches up to rub your nubby horns affectionately and you huff.

“that was the museum they want me to come in for an interview” he tells you.

“ABOUT FUCKING TIME,” you growl back. To be fair, it’s a miracle he can find work at all. Not many places want to hire a punk straight out of high school. Dave manages though with his name and silver tongue alone.

“offering some mad cash too” he says. “we’re gonna have a house kat with a yard and a mutt and then we won’t need anyone to put down for us” he insists. “we’re gonna be happy”

“I AM HAPPY,” you murmur back.

“i know” Dave says as if you’ve both agree to this lie before. It’s not a lie. You’re happy with Dave even through all his insecurities and dumb ideas. He’s always worried you’ll leave him for something better. He acts like he’s the best of the best when in reality he feels like shit. No matter how many times you assure him that you’re not going anywhere, he still is worried that you’ll leave. “i love you”

“I-”

“Eg8ert!”

This can’t be good. The front door opens without any warning, cracking the frame without any effort. Dave sits upright and you’re on your feet at once. She lets herself in and it’s take a fool not to recognize her, the face from the photo that isn’t in this house anymore.

“WHAT THE FUCK!” you snap. “GET OUT!”

“8ack off, Nu88y,” she hisses at you. “J8hn Eg8ert!” she shouts again.

“yo i think you need to leave” Dave insists.

“vriska?” John wanders out from his room tired and confused. “what are you doing?” he asks. Vriska approached him quickly and at once, Dave moves to defend. She is dangerous and you know it. John motions him away through, and Dave backs off.

“Did you sleep with my sister?” Vriska demands. John, taking a weary step away, looks confused.

“i don’t know what you’re talking about,” he murmurs. “i didn’t even know you had a sister?” He legitimately doesn’t know what she’s talking about. She grabs the front of his shirt firmly.

“Oh. Well then. Let me refresh your memory. Aranea?” she snaps at him.

“i- don’t know who that is?” John replies. Vriska shakes him angrily.

“You son of a 8itch!” she yells. John pushes her hands off of him mildly, trying to put some distance between them. Vriska does him the favor of shoving him away and John leans against the hall wall. “Stay away from my sister, John.”

“vriska,” he says in preparation of doing the worse thing he could possible do. “i think that’s between her and i. we’re both adults capable of making our own decisions.”

“What?” she deadpans back. Anything else would have been immensely better than that. You have no idea why he thought that was the right thing to say. “Wh8t!”

“i think you need to leave,” John tells her.

“I’m not going to tell you again, Eg8ert. Stay away from Aranea,” she growls.

“yo” Dave says sharply. “he said you need to leave” he repeats, placing a hand on Vriska’s shoulders firmly. Vriska throws her shoulder against him, giving him a sharp glare with her one good eye.

“Mind your own damn 8usiness,” she hisses.

“vriska please,” John murmurs. “just go.”

“I’M CALLING THE POLICE,” you state as that is the only proper response to this situation in the first place. Vriska scowls at you before looking back to John. She scoffs at him loudly and begins a quick retreat back to the front door. Sure enough though, she stops to look back on him.

“Don’t let me catch you with Aranea,” she warns before storming out, slamming the door behind her. The door doesn’t latch. Making both the window and the door now in less than pristine condition. John slowly eases his way down the wall to sit on the floor with his head in his hands. Dave grabs his upper arm gently.

“you okay there bro??” he asks.

“yeah,” John says. “i think, i’m just going to sit here for a while,” he murmurs.

“cool” Dave seats himself on the floor next to him. John probably wants to be left alone. You don’t think that would be a good idea, though. You sit yourself on his other side, stretching your legs out across the hall. The three of you sit in silence for a couple minutes. John doesn’t seem very distressed. This sort of surprises you. “so your ex huh”

“she’s usually not like that,” John mumbles. “not towards me really. less angry about just as aggressive.”

“probably had something to do with her sister” Dave says.

“i didn’t know,” John insists again. “i didn’t even know she had a sister!”

“WE HEARD,” you assure him.

“i’m pretty dumb,” he sighs, ruffling his hair in his hands and leaning his forehead on his knee. “like really dumb.”

“yeah” Dave agrees. “that was kind of dumb”

“i guess we’re really not going to get back together,” John murmurs. “i don’t know why i thought we would. i guess i was just hoping.”

“safe to say it’s time to move on” Dave pat’s John thigh heavily, a nonsexual gesture for once. John sighs. You severly doubt this is going to mark a change for the better.

“SO ARANEA’S LITTLE SISTER IS VRISKA WHO HAPPENED TO BE JOHN’S EX?” you sum up nicely. Yeah, that’s a plausible series of events. An extremely unfortunate series for John specifically.

“yep” Dave nods. “it’s a small vicious as dicks world”

“you two are the absolute worst at this, i hope you know.”


	9. Silhouettes

The museum hires you and it’s the greatest thing you have managed in a long time. You’re finally able to put money into your bank account and it’s so satisfying to be able to watch that zero dollars and zero cents quickly gain extra digits. You have money again. It’s a bit slow, but it doesn’t matter.

You leave every morning and Karkat’s there and you come home in the afternoon and Karkat’s there. Never do you have to worry about leaving him alone for very long and having to search out the entire city with the dread that you’ll never be able to find him. John’s there too, usually, he doesn’t do much. He sits at the table during dinner and occasionally can be found to converse with, but he generally keeps to himself, especially as of lately.

When you come home today, however, he’s no where to be found. You wander through most of the house in search of Karkat, who you find cleaning the bathroom mirror. He scoffs at you loudly when you come in and you grab him about the waist to place a kiss on his cheek.

“i’m home” you murmur. “dinner smells surprisingly like bleach”

“FUCK OFF. I’VE BEEN CLEANING ALL DAY,” he growls back. “WE’LL GRAB A PIZZA OR SOMETHING.” And really that’s great because now you have the choice instead of absolutely having to scavenge for the cheapest fast food.

“is that why john’s not here??” you ask.

“I DON’T KNOW. I HAVEN’T SEEN HIM ALL DAY,” he shrugs simply, pushing you off. That’s kind of weird, you think. You haven’t seen John go anywhere. Actually, the only time he supposedly left the house was when you and Karkat were gone. You decide not to worry too much about it.

“come on you’ve been working all day i’ve been working all day let’s sit down and watch an awful movie”

“FINE,” he replies but you know he really is glad to have a rest. The two of you head back downstairs and he flops on the couch while you head for the study to order some food. The usual, this time paid with real life money. As soon as you put the phone down, however, it instantly rings again. You assume it’s going to be John because, well, where is he?

“yo”

“Is Karkat Vantas there?” she asks. Maybe Karkat’s been posting columns again. You really wish you could afford to get him a laptop.

“hey kat phone for you” you call. You hear him grumble and pause the telly before wandering into the room and snatching the receiver from you. You stand near by curiously and he shoves you away slightly.

“WHAT?” That’s your Karkat, alright. Never beating around the bush. “SPEAKING.” He doesn’t sound like he was expecting this phone call. You grab his hips, nuzzling the back of his neck affectionately. “WHAT!” He shoves you away suddenly and roughly. “WHERE?”

“kat?”

“WE’LL BE THERE.” He throws the phone down a little more aggressive the usual before turning on you. “JOHN’S IN THE HOSPITAL,” he tells you. You are definitely not pleased to hear this. Your heart does this dumb little turn that it hasn’t done in a couple weeks now.

“aw shit man let’s go”

You’re lucky John has been letting you use his car to get to work everyday. Karkat quickly piles into the passenger's seat and you take the quickest route to the hospital. This isn’t quick enough for your taste and you haphazardly park in the first spot you can find. You head instead with Karkat right behind you, not quite running because that would be over dramatic. John is probably fine.

The nurse behind the desk is calm, but aren’t nurses always?

“JOHN EGBERT,” Karkat demands. She is a little taken aback by this. You nudge him away from the desk a little.

“please” you add. Sure enough, she isn’t exactly bothered by Karkat. She’s probably dealt with much worse. Dutifully, she goes to her computer to bring up files and such at a pace much too slow. You don’t rush her, obviously.

“Karkat Vantas? And you’re his matesprit, correct?” she asks, looking towards Karkat. Did John tell them that? Fortunately, Karkat has better things to deal with than wonder about that. Your better half, folks.

“YES. WHERE IS HE?” he demands.

“Calm down. He’s fine,” she promises. “He has some broken bones and a concussion and will need minor surgery to fix his broken ribs before they puncture something. He’s actually very lucky he got away with what he did. He should be alright to go home in a few days.”

“what happened??” you ask, though you really wish you didn’t have to. You can already guess what happened, but you could be wrong. You definitely could be extremely wrong.

“He jumped off a bridge,” she says. Oh. Right. Of course he did. What were you thinking. She points you down the hall to the elevator and tells you if you want to see him, you should do so now. The unsaid part is that it might be too late, later. You and Karkat swiftly head down the hall, careful of other by passers.

“god damn” you breathe under your breath.

“I TOLD YOU THERE WAS SOMETHING WRONG WITH HIM,” Karkat snaps at you before quickly hushing himself quiet again.

“i didn’t know you meant he was going to try to fucking kill himself” you answer shortly.

“I DIDN’T FUCKING KNOW I MEANT THAT EITHER,” he huffs. You peer into John’s room slowly. He appears to be sleeping, you hope, wired up to a number of machines that you don’t know the need for. When you come in, though, he opens his eyes momentarily before relaxing for several more moments.

“sorry you came all the way down here,” he murmurs.

“WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?” Karkat yells. John looks at him for a moment before turning his gaze to you.

“dude seriously i’m not going to give you the whole selfish rant but come on what the fuck? you couldn’t talk to us or something? or your sister or literally anyone? like man better throw myself off a bridge that’ll fix everything i mean fuck i guess it would but isn’t that a bit of an overreaction? like shit this record is a little scratched better fucking _annihilate_  it”

“SHUT THE FUCK UP DAVE. YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE DO YOU KNOW WHAT JADE WOULD HAVE DONE TO US? YOU SIT IN THE LIVING ROOM ALL DAY AND NOT ONCE COULD YOU OPEN YOUR GODDAMN MOUTH? FUCKING CHRIST WHAT DO YOU THINK I’M THERE FOR? I WAS LITERALLY THERE TO MAKE SURE YOU WERE OKAY. WHAT DID YOU THINK I HAD NOTHING BETTER TO DO THAN SIT AROUND YOUR FUCKING HOUSE ALL DAY DOING JACK SHIT?”

“you guys,” John murmurs quietly.

“but for real bro we can help you you know” you promise. John smiles tiredly and this quickly dwindles into a mild laughter.

“i wasn’t trying to kill myself,” he says.

“WHAT?” Karkat demands.

“i lost my footing and the wind knocked me over,” he explains. That, man, that’s pretty embarrassing.

“WHAT THE FUCK WERE YOU DOING ON A BRIDGE?” Karkat snaps. He is unconvinced, clearly. John reaches over to the little table beside his bed and shuffles through the cards that lay there. He pops a pair of rings out of one of them and hands them to Karkat.

“i just wanted them gone,” he murmurs. “i guess they were more unlucky than i thought.”

“you fell off a bridge trying to throw your rings in the river?” you confirm. John nods, smiling casually like it’s no big deal. “you fucking dumb” And John agrees mildly. He laughs a little, and then he begins laughing more until he’s crying. He weeping so hard he looks like he’s having trouble breathing and you don’t know what to do. Karkat is at an equal lost.

“why do you care so much about me?” John sobs. “why?”

“because you’re our friend of course we care what happens to you” you assure him. “i thought we were friends man if we’re not friends you should call the police because these two homeless people have been living in your house for a while now” John doesn’t find this very funny. He can’t stop crying and you don’t exactly know how to make him feel any better. You just have to wait until John can gain his composure again. He breathes carefully through his nose, pressing a hand to his rib cage likely to soothe the pain that the drugs can’t.

“i’m sorry,” he murmurs. “i’m sorry. i’ve been so mean to you guys.”

“IF THAT’S MEAN, I CAN’T WAIT TO SEE NICE,” Karkat scoffs. He captchalogues the rings idly, better to have them out of John’s sight anyways.

“for real tho remember that time you acted like a dick and brought us home and fed us after we called you a selfish asshole?? remember that time we broke into your house and you didn’t have your sister shoot us in the face? remember when we got high with your sister and then banged her and you were totally chill about it? you are literally the worst kind of asshole” you list on your fingers. Karkat stomps on your toes.

“YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN TO SHUT THE FUCK UP, DO YOU?” he snaps at you.

“i mean remember when we didn’t do any of that stuff and you should totally not kick us out” you correct swiftly. John makes a little muffled noise of laughter. You think it may be the drugs, though.

“stop, stop,” he says. “laughing hurts.” You think this is an understatement though. You think everything hurts right now. He did supposedly fall off a bridge.

“yeah we should go” you murmurs. “i’ve actually been banned from this hospital? and well let’s not find out what happens if they realise i’m here”

“okay,” John smiles. “hey, don’t tell jade about this, please. i don’t want her to worry about me.”

“no problemo”

“WE’LL COME PICK YOU UP WHEN YOU’RE READY TO COME HOME,” Karkat huffs loudly.

“thanks.”

You’ve really got to watch John more closely from now on.

== >

Fortunately, your injuries are very minor and a couple of troll doctors are able to get you fixed up to go home in only a couple days. They give you some pill to make you feel better that make you extremely nauseous. You’re assured it should go away in a few days. To be honest, you’re just glad to go home. Hospitals make you nervous. Of course, most things make you nervous now a days.

That’s not to say you’re wrong about these things.

“‘sorry you fell off a bridge’?? what the hell?” Dave crouches down to examine the large cake sitting on your doorstep as Karkat helps you maneuver your cast out of the car. The thing is entirely too cumbersome for your liking. “who makes a sorry you fell off a bridge cake”

You can think of one person. As if this thought had summoned her out of Colonel Sassacre's book itself, the entire cake launches up off the floor like it had finally accepted Jesus into it’s short life. Dave, who had the misfortune of crouching directly in front of it, takes the full blast of your sister’s prank cake. He is startled to say the least.

“what the shit”

“boy,” you say, placing a hand on his back. “that could have been me, eh?”

“John,” Jane hums, sticking her head out the front window that mysteriously isn’t broken anymore. “I hope you don’t mind, I let myself in.” She grins at you like she hadn’t been the one to put that cake there.

“course not,” you reply, slipping past the still stunned Dave to head into your home. Jane comes to hug you immediately, careful of your damage. It turns out to be a very limp hug because of this, but a hug all the same. “you really didn’t have to come down here.”

“Nonsense! I should have come seen you ages ago!” Jane insists, ushering you towards the couch. You really do need to sit back down.

“GET OUT OF THE FUCKING WAY,” Karkat snaps, shoving Dave through the door. Dave catches himself on the front of his feet in a motion that seems inelegant, but is most likely on purpose. “FUCKING ASSHOLE.”

“shouty?”

“MEENAH?”

You glance over the back of the couch curiously as Karkat and Meenah approach each other. You’ve only met her once or twice, but she’s nice enough you guess. Nicer than Karkat at any rate.

“long time no sea” she says and they hug like they know each other intimately. You may be wrong, in fact you’re fairly certain you are, but Dave seems disconcerted about this. Sure enough his face says nothing and his mouth says nothing, but there’s just a small change in the air.

“YEAH. A WHALE,” Karkat replies. This invokes a physical reactions in Dave; he curls and uncurls his fingers.

“yo g-frond” Meenah gestures to Jane suddenly. You don’t think they were dating the last time you saw your sister. This is- interesting? “this is my ex catfish”

“KARKAT,” he huffs loudly. You have sensed a pattern here.

“and his watever dave fishface this is my g-frond jane” she introduces slightly more kindly. Jane smiles her friendly smile and nods at the pair of them.

“It’s lovely to make your acquaintanceship,” she says pleasantly. In an aggressive version of Dave’s quiet insecurity, Meenah moves the conversation away from her, uh, your sister.

“aranea said you were down here but cod damn” She and Karkat move into the kitchen without the need of any cues leaving Dave to stand awkwardly in the living room with cake all over his face. Literal cake. He turns to you and your sister quickly.

“i’m guessing this is your doing” he comments, gesturing to the large amount of frosting and crumbled cake bits that decorate him. Aside from this, he appears to be playing a very good game of pretending he isn’t covered in butter cream frosting.

“That could certainly be said, yes,” Jane agrees with a small nod.

“it’s fucking delicious” he assures her. This is the quickest way to get on your sister’s good side. Her uncertainty for this situation is almost completely gone. He sits in the recliner off to the side, proceeding to rub cake onto various other surfaces in the process. Jane doesn’t say anything initially, obviously still giving Dave the once over.

“Jade described you very well,” she finally says. That’s not what you want to hear. Dave smirks. That is not an expression someone covered with that much cake should be making. Fortunately, this is as far as the conversation goes with you in it. Instead, she turns to you and asks if they really are prostitutes.

Knowing your lucky, Dave is probably fluid in the long dead language. Why wouldn’t he be? Considering everything you know about him, it’s extremely likely that this is the case. You assure her that yes, they are absolutely one hundred percent prostitutes. No matter what dainty words they use or how well they loop their reasoning around, there is no way that’s not what they are.

This, obviously, prompts her to ask how you comes to know two probably prostitutes. You quickly assure her that no, you were not looking for someone to pay for sex and that no, really, you are a heterosexual, and you didn’t even know they were hookers when you brought them home. You thought they were hungry and homeless!

Jane assures you that really it’s fine if you were. There’s nothing wrong with that. She just wants you to be safe.

You insist that you are not interested in hookers and certainly not interested in male hookers and jesus christ Jane what the hell?

She says that it’s fine. Everything’s fine. A midlife crisis is perfectly acceptable for someone your age. You don’t reply. In fact, you go ahead and change the conversation altogether. You know, to something not absolutely horrible.

“how’s dad doing?” you ask.

“Oh he’s doing great!” Jane promises. “He and Meenah get along really well, wouldn’t you believe. Much happier than he was in the home,” she hums pleasantly. “I still have no idea why he insisted on going to one.” Dave snorts a laughter out of the blue and both you and your sister turn to peer at him.

“daddy egg”

You can not fathom what made Dave make those noises with his mouth. He couldn’t have possibly had those words in his head before he said them out loud, surely. Jane leans toward you slightly.

“Is he alright?” she murmurs.

“that’s a good question.”

== >

John’s sister is nice. You like her. Well, to be fair, there isn’t an abundance of people you don’t like. Cake aside, it was very nice meeting her. This doesn’t entirely settle your stomach when Karkat suggest that she and Meenah could use some help getting to their hotel. This leaves you alone with a mostly immobile John.

John, being not as dumb as he looks, likely knows that Karkat’s gesture isn’t so innocent. Like with most things, however, he keeps his comments to himself. You and he just relax on the couch for most of the night, left with plenty of food and booze from his sister’s kitchen endeavor. Thinking about it now, she does hold a strong resemblances to Betty Crocker, doesn’t she?

Your conversations are mainly shallow and pointless, though this is mostly because John can stand you rambling on in a way Karkat won’t. This isn’t really something that’s good for you because man you say really dumb shit literally all the time. On the bright side, you don’t think John is listening to you intimately, anyways. You think this because part way through a sentence John says;

“you really love karkat don’t you.” It’s a statement, just an off handed fact that he’s taken notice of.

“yeah” you answer because you couldn’t imagine saying anything else.

“what’s the need for an open relationship, then?” he asks. It’s a question you’ve met the face of many times before. “if you don’t mind.”

“it’s not like that bro” you assure him. “just because we’re free to bang other people doesn’t mean we don’t love each other i could put a hundred strangers’ genitals in my mouth but i still love kat”

“i know,” John murmurs. “i just don’t see why you would want to?”

“wouldn’t want the relationship to get stale you know” you smirk, nudging his shoulder mildly. John glances at you with an unconvinced look. As of now, you think John might be one of the few people that has spent more than a couple days alone with you and Karkat. He pays more attention to you than you thought.

“i guess,” he answers a bit reluctantly.

“nothing wrong with enjoying some mutual kinks anyways” you add on, patting John’s leg heartily. John reacts violently, letting out a pained yelp and jerking himself away. You panic immediately. You didn’t know he was that sore! “oh god i’m sorry!”

“got you,” he says. It takes you a moment to realise what has happened and that you didn’t actually hurt his broken body horribly.

“you son of a bitch”

“pft,” John laughs. “your face was priceless.”

“this means war egbert god help you if i find a marker in this house”


	10. Open Door

Your house is a little more lively lately. This is probably because you’re still in several casts and your sister refuses to leave until you’re better. You’re not entirely against this, you suppose, but your sister’s new matesprit is causing a bit of distress. Again, like Jade, Jane is perfectly able of making her own choices and is free to do so. This doesn’t mean you don’t wish Dave and Karkat would stop sleeping with your relatives.

Dave, undoubtedly, is just as distressed by this. This is the only time you’ve seen him actually worried about Karkat being with someone else. Of course, the first night you had them over, Karkat did try to sleep with you. You think Dave is only worried about losing him. For that, you can only assure him that, that’s not going to happen in this situation. All things aside, Meenah is very loyal to your sister.

Jane’s attraction to a troll does still strike you as odd. She’s never, in all the time you’ve known her, showed any interest in a troll. It would be less surprising for Jade, or even Jake, but Jane had always been very same specious oriented. They’re happy together, though, so you’re happy for her. Meenah’s pretty chill, as well.

You watch she and Dave play video games in the living room while your sister and Karkat argue in the kitchen. Karkat, while being a great cook, is not quite up to Jane’s standards. You would join in the video games, but one of your hands doesn’t exactly work right now. Actually neither of your hands work right now, but one of them in in a cast so you won’t be playing video games any time soon. That’s alright.

“so what’s with you and your sister speaking a dead language anyways?” Dave asks into a moment of silence.

“i’ve been wunderin’ that too” Meenah admits. “shell even i don’t speak that carp”

“i guess just old habits?” you murmurs. “nanna spoke it all the time so picked it up from her. i guess she thought the heiress should keep to the original tongue?” You had never really thought about it before.

“you’re nanna was a troll?” Dave questions over his shoulder.

“oh. no. _her_  mother was, though. a tyrian i think,” you inform absently. You don’t really talk about your family a lot. This is probably because your family is kind of odd and unfortunately a little unkosher. It’s also kind of sad to think about, honestly.

“shell nah she still swimmin?” Meenah asks. They both glance to you curiously, though you don’t see what’s so interesting about it.

“i would guess,” you say. “she kind of fell out with the family after nanna and poppop forcibly took the company from her. nanna never really liked her anyways.”

“wouldn’t that make you like incredibly rich?” Dave asks. You hesitate to answer as you really don’t like where this is going. It’s not exactly that straight forward.

“yeah,” you tell him.

“why do you live in this creepy neighborhood?” he inquires. You don’t think it’s that bad. If anything is entirely average in every way. That’s probably why you like it, though? It’s quiet and calm and no one bothers you and you don’t bother anyone.

“i like it here,” you reply. “i grew up here.”

“dude i haven’t seen dick since i’ve been here what do you own the entire street?” he says. You’ve only ever really given it a passing thought, but you guess no one else really is here. It’s been like that since you were just a kid, though. So to this you don’t really have an answer.

“no? just not prime real estate i guess?” you suggest. To be fair, it’s probably better that way. You undoubtedly would be the worse neighbor. Look what’s living in your house. “what does it matter?”

“man kat’s going to be right about you being a serial killer isn’t he”

“you didn’t go in my closet did you?” you murmur. Dave doesn’t answer. “then no.”

“damn you egberts are all the same” Meenah laughs. “nice and fluffy on the outside fucking peanuts on the inside”

“i hope not. i’m allergic to peanuts,” you murmur. It’s a joke of course, delivered in the same deadpan voice Dave uses. Not the peanut part; you really are allergic to them.

“man there’s peanuts on the outside are you joking?” Dave scoffs, but it’s an affectionate noise. Meenah snorts a laugh. The knock on the door distracts you all easily and your mood immediately falters a little. Dave makes no movement to get the door which makes you think this isn’t his doing. Karkat comes out from the swiftly, obviously more than happy to have an escape from your sister. Upon opening the door, Karkat immediately retreats back. A very tall troll helps himself in, knocking his horns on the top of the door frame dumbly and leaving a pair of scratch marks in their wake.

“aw shit” Dave murmurs under his breath.

“WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING HERE?” Karkat snaps loudly, keeping a safe distance between him and the new face. “I TOLD YOU TO STAY THE FUCK AWAY.”

“Ah I mOtHeRfUcKiNg MiSsEd YoU,” comes the reply.

“yo they let his bass outta jail?” Meenah questions quietly, leaning towards Dave.

“we assume” he says reluctantly.

“uh, why was he in jail?” you ask and cross your fingers for something tame.

“he beat the shit out of his blackrom straight up fucked her up and her dumb bass still let ‘im out” Meenah explains. Oh right. That’s great. It’s not murder, you guess. Things just keep getting better for you, don’t they?

“thanks meenah” Dave deadpans. “we weren’t going to tell him that”

“shell man you gotta tell me these things in advance”

“yo gamzee keep your hands off kat or you’ll lose them got it?” Dave calls, leaving Gamzee to peer at him suddenly. Whoa. The thick paint on his face doesn’t hide the massive scars that drag down his face. You certainly aren’t one to talk right now, but gosh.

“SHUT THE FUCK UP, DAVE,” Karkat snaps sharply.

“you heard me juggalo man” Dave says pointedly. Karkat glares at him but Gamzee assures his understanding with a lazy thumbs up. They head back into the kitchen at which point Meenah seems to realise your sister is still in there.

“you put your hands on jane and you’ll have a lot more to worry about than your mitts” she calls. Dave gives her a pointed look.

“what the fuck?” he insists.

“yo my fry mama ain’t dumb enough to like his psycho bass” Meenah answers to which Dave can’t really argue with. You don’t think you want Gamzee in your house. More specifically, around your family, either. You guess you could say something, but like usual, you don’t.

“so why did he, uh, attack his blackrom?” you ask as if the answer could be any kind of excuse. It can’t, obviously, but know you should avoid something would make you feel a lot better.

“because his fuckin highblood marbles are shattered” Meenah scoffs.

“yeah right” Dave murmurs. “ask me, he knew what he was doing and he still fucking does medication my ass more like highblood apologist from hell”

“wow someone’s got some deep sea-ed issues” Meenah says with a smirk of her ridiculously sharp teeth.

“you come and tell me when one of your friends get the shit beat out of her yeah?” Dave assures her. Meenah holds her hands up in a sign that she’s obviously done with this conversation. She tosses her controller aside lightly and hoists herself up.

“time for me to make shore hands are kelp to themselves”

== >

“i thought he wasn’t going to be coming around here” you murmur absently around your toothbrush. It’s a conversation that needs no prelude. Karkat peers at you from the tub, you having obviously disturbed the quiet time. Quiet time can wait.

“IT’S NOT LIKE I FUCKING KNEW HE WAS COMING,” Karkat snaps at you. “I FUCKING TOLD HIM TO STAY AWAY AND HE DIDN’T. WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?”

“he would have left if you told him to” you point out, turning to him and leaning against the sink.

“YES DAVE. BECAUSE WE ALL KNOW GAMZEE IS GREAT AT LISTENING TO ME,” he answers sharply. You roll your eyes, turning back to the sink to spit and rinse. You hear Karkat get out of the tub, splashing water everywhere in his violent movement. “WHAT ARE YOU SAYING DAVE?”

“nothing” you huff defensively. You really don’t want to fight about this. Gamzee is not someone worth fighting over. You drop your toothbrush into the holder with a little more force than you really intended. Karkat yanks a towel around his waist harshly.

“BULLSHIT,” he snaps back, standing in your immediate vicinity pointedly. You turn and have no choice but to stand nearly on his toes, looking down at him plainly.

“so what if i am saying something?” you scoff.

“IT BETTER BE FUCKING GOOD,” Karkat demands with an angry huff.

“maybe i’m saying you should think about a divorce maybe i’m saying it’s time to get rid of the crappy moiraband that’s caused more problems than he solves” you shrug simply. It seemed like the pretty obvious solution to you.

“ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS RIGHT NOW?” he growls at you.

“i’m fucking serious i’m finger banging earnest and eating out sincere”

“DON’T FUCKING DO THAT. DON’T TRY TO FUCKING JOKE RIGHT NOW,” Karkart says viciously. He heads out of the bathroom and you follow him quickly. This conversation, or whatever it actually is, isn’t over.

“do i want you to dump gamzee? hell yes i do why? hmm why would i want that? did you fucking see what he did to terezi? that alone should be more than enough of a reason like your acting if that isn’t a big fucking deal oh highbloods will be highbloods no point in getting worked up over it fucking no karkat you think if equius fucking flipped his shit and tried to kill someone that nepeta would be cool with that?” You close the bedroom door behind you. John doesn’t really need to be a part of this. He has more than his fair share of problems to deal with as it is. “feferi cut eridan off cold and he was just an asshole”

“HOW ABOUT THIS DAVE. HOW ABOUT YOU MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS WHEN YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT THE FUCK YOU’RE TALKING ABOUT?” Karkat assures you sharply.

“your business is my business!” you shout back. This is easily the worse thing you could have done. You quickly try to retract it. “i didn’t mean to yell”

“BETTER IDEA,” he says sharply, struggling to get his sweater over his head in his anger. “GO FUCK YOURSELF.”

“kat-” you say quickly, following him out of the room and he heads down the stairs. He definitely not dressed for bed, that’s certain. “where are you going kat?”

“MAYBE TO GO SUCK GAMZEE’S DICK. WON’T KNOW UNTIL I GET THERE, WILL I?” he snaps at you. You have lost this argument already and you know it. You stop at the bottom of the stairs and Karkat it out the door before you know it, punctually slamming it behind him. That could have gone better.

“that sounded bad,” John murmurs from the couch. Your skin jumps a little.

“god damn man what the fuck are you sleeping out here?” you asks. John looks at you for a moment before shrugging tiredly.

“too hard to get to bed,” he admits. You can see why. You assumed he’d let someone know if he needed help, though. Honestly, you’re not sure why you assumed this as everything you know about the guy points to that not being the case. “are you okay?” he asks.

“huh oh that nah we fight all the time” you promise him. “what you never had a fight with your ex where she just left happens all the time”

“my fiance left me for another troll,” John reminds you. Right. You should probably consider choosing your words better. For a moment you are quite. You have simultaneously managed to scath John and worry yourself.

“you don’t think kat would-” Of course he wouldn’t. Right? He’s right, though. You should really mind your own business. Hell if you know how all those troll romances work. How does Karkat even put up with you? You glance toward John for some sort of confirmation and John clearly isn’t sure how to respond to this. He probably didn’t think his ex would, either.

“do you want some tea or something?” John offers, carefully picking himself off the couch and adjusting himself on his crutch. “going to make some for myself.”

“no thanks,” you murmur. “tea’s not really my thing”

John heads into the kitchen and you sit on the couch in hopes that Karkat will be back sooner rather than later. Karkat can hold a grudge, though, and man you really overstepped your boundaries, didn’t you? What the fuck is wrong with you. Gamzee’s been in Karkat’s life way longer than you have. Who are you to judge?

“here,” John says, handing you a mug that you take without really thinking about it. The smell ushers you to look down into the warm cup of apple cider. He sits down beside you again, carefully despite the fact that he’s on enough medication to sooth most of his pain and soreness. He flips the television on to give the pair of you something better to do.

“you’re a dork” you murmur, taking a drink.

“i rubbed my dick on your mug,” he answers. You look down at your mug again.

“so if i had my tongue in your cousin’s cunt does that mean you indirectly had sex with her?”

“aw dude. come on. why do you have to ruin my joke like that? seriously, that’s gross.”

== >

For the second time, a knock on the door is what you awaken to in the morning. This time, fortunately, you fell asleep on the couch for a reason and that reason is that it is really hard to get up once you lay down in all these casts. You really wish you hadn’t fallen off that bridge. Dave seems to have fallen asleep with you, head rested on your thigh and glasses skewed on his face. How does he not injure himself with those things. You shift out from under him as carefully as you can, picking your crutch up off the floor and tiredly making for the door.

You’re hope is that it’s Karkat having returned and locked himself out. Perhaps you should have another key made. Honestly, you don’t think you’ve seen them apart except for when Dave goes to work. You’re a little worried about them. You’ve never seen them legitimately fight before. It’s not Karkat unfortunately. You’re not sure if this itself is unfortunate, or if it’s unfortunate because of who it actually is.

“Gday john!”

“hi jake. jade didn’t send you here, did she?” you murmur. Not that you’re not glad to see him or anything. Jane and Meenah will probably be here soon and you’re not sure if they’re expecting Jake to be here or vise-versa. Supposedly he and Jane are still good friends, but you’re not sure how Meenah’s going to react to this. They never got along super well. Some misunderstandings in the past and all that. You step aside to let him in, though, and he steps in just enough to let you close the door.

Dave’s disappeared from the couch in his usual mysterious way. You sort of hobble back towards the couch and Jake follows close by as if to help you but unsure if you’d want help. It’s not that you would refuse his help, you just don’t need it.

“She mentioned you were sick and i reckoned i havent seen you in a skip and hop plus my ol’ ployer huff is off his binge so here i am,” he explains gladly. Even from this distance he smells like wood and testosterone. You’ve been assured that this is just you, but you find that hard to believe. “Could do with some joe would you like a cupa?”

“sure jake,” you agree. Like most people, he helps himself to your kitchen without asking. You really mind this, the same way you didn’t mind anyone else doing it. You’re used to it now.

“more family members??” Dave questions as he comes down the stairs again.

“yeah,” you answer simply. There’s not much you have to add to that, after all. You’d ask him not to sleep with this one, but man that’s not going to happen you can already tell. Not that it’s your place to ask that, anyways. Why are you the only one that finds that weird!

“sounds hot” Oh for crying out loud.

“So ol’ chap me ‘n jade were chitting and we thought maybe you’d like to pop on over to asia with us when you get up and at ‘em again,” Jake says cheerfully, standing in the doorway between the kitchen and the living room with his glasses in his hands. He rubs the lenses on the bottom of his shirt carefully and peers up to you and Dave. “Mr strider?”

What.

“nah you got the wrong guy” Dave says plainly. There’s no way he’s a Strider. Why would he be homeless if he’s a Strider? Why would a fucking homeless man know Rose Lalonde? Jake positions his glasses back on his face and gives Dave another look over.

“Ah so you’re not sorry lad can’t see a thing without my ‘focales,” Jake says. “You do look an awful lot like ‘im, though.”

“you need some new glasses there chap” Dave assures him. Jake, being who Jake is, doesn’t put any more thought into this. You do. That would explain so much. Thinking further on it, you don’t think you ever actually knew Dave’s name. You’re going to find out you’ve been housing a Strider, just watch. Jake clears his throat loudly and you look up at him. He looks to Dave.

“oh, this is dave. he’s not a prostitute.”

“you’re never going to let that go are you?”

“and this is jake, my cousin. he’s- yeah,” you introduce them simply.

“Nice to make your acquaintanceship,” Jake grins dumbly, holding a fist out to which Dave gladly ‘bumps’. When did he start doing that? That’s weird.

“you too man you the one that bought the island right?” Dave asks. You’re not sure how, or why, he remembered that but you’re not really surprised. Jake huffs indignantly.

“Jade mention that, the scallywag? It was a perfectly reasonable purchase thatll be worth it just you me,” he insists. You can’t imagine Dave actually cares. If anything he’s just trying not to think of Karkat being gone. Maybe that’s just you, though, and Dave isn’t as concerned over his boyfriend as you would like to believe. This is probably why it’s none of your business.

“does jane know you were going to come over here?” you ask, mostly out of curiosity than anything else.

“I gave her a ring last night,” Jake promises. “Which now that i recall, she wanted the likes of us to have a nice dinner out tonight if jadell be dropping in like she said she would.” That sounds pretty awful. You can barely get to your bedroom in this condition not to mention being surrounded by your family, as great as that sounds, is not exactly something you want right now. They’re great and you’re glad they’re so understanding, but they also make it so much worse sometimes.

“ah, maybe,” you murmur.

“yo egg beard gonna use your ringer” Dave says as if you’d suddenly ask him not to. “don’t have the birds and bees talk without me” Jake laughs a little as he leaves.

“He does remind me an awful lot of strider,” he tells you. “Blokes a riot.”

“your boss or something, right?” you ask distantly.

“Mm,” Jake agrees. “And boyfriend.” He adds it so nonchalantly like it’s nothing new. This is so completely new to you. You can practically feel your eyebrows leaving your face. You’re more surprised by this than by the fact that Jane is dating a troll.

“boyfriend? are you- are you gay, jake?” you question. It sounds kind of rude coming out of your mouth, but this is Jake. Jake the guy that ended up dating his cousin, the same guy who went a month with seven different girlfriends back to back, not to mention the whole high school fiasco of which you never wanted to know anything about. Jake scratched his face with one finger coyly.

“Not really,” he murmurs. “I mean i still enjoy lady company just not right now? That doesnt bother you does it john?”

“what no-” He has no idea who’s living in your house. “i just never thought you would, uh, swing- that way.” Oh god, your mind has been sullied by your housemates. Jake shrugs mildly.

“Didnt think about it that way honest. Was just enjoying myself.”

“oh.” You didn’t think about it that way.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i have received and understood your issues with the formatting quirks as speech. please stop. please understand that this is the way i planned on formatting this from the start and i will not be changing it. thank you for your comments and concerns. i think the world will go on.


	11. Salt Skin

“AND THEN HE GOES ‘you should think about a divorce’.”

“to be fur, gamzee is a piece of shit”

“I KNOW THAT BUT WHO THE HELL DOES HE THINK HE IS? HE DOESN’T OWN ME,” you huff. You’re not so much upset that Dave is right, but rather that he thinks he has any control over you or your decisions.

“you usually take dave’s suggestions into consideration at least” she notes, popping another spoonful of ice cream into her mouth. You scoop out another for yourself, though not immediately eating it.

“YEAH. WHEN THEY’RE FUCKING SUGGESTIONS AND NOT HIM RAISING HIS GOD DAMN VOICE AT ME,” you snap. “WHO THE HELL DOES HE THINK HE IS?”

“he’s just worried about you” Nepeta murmurs, “i mean, he and terezi are puractically moirails. it must’ve been hard fur him to know she’d furgiven him so easily” she says. You scoff.

“DAVE’S LIKE ONE OF THOSE HUMANS WHO CAN’T GRASP THE IDEA OF A MOIRAIL, OR ANY OTHER QUADRANT FOR THAT MATTER. HE’S BEEN OBLIVIOUS TO SO MANY BLACK FLIRTINGS IT’S ANNOYING,” you grumble, filling your gap with the minty, chocolate substance. You’re not jealous, it’s just irritating. Though it’s more irritating that Dave finds them creepy. You guess it’s enough that he keeps it to himself and doesn’t let his dumb opinion affect other people but it’s still really weird to think that you have a datemate that would consider one of your relationships creepy.

“yeah” Nepeta agrees with a knowing nod. “but that doesn’t mean he and terezi aren’t close. fur a fling that was manely to make you jealous, they were really happy together”

“THANKS FOR REMINDING ME,” you assure her sharply. Nepeta is entirely unapologetic. To be fair, though, you know she is also incredibly biased in situations like this. Even with that, though, her opinions are not worthless. She shrugs a bit.

“if anything” she says, smugly placing her spoon in her mouth. “this proves that gamzee is toxic to your relationships” Again, something you know perfectly well, but it’s not that black and white and Nepeta knows it. “dave would have nefur yelled at you if gamzee hadn’t showed up”

“THAT’S NOT A FUCKING EXCUSE,” you growl. Dave doesn’t get a ‘get out of jail free card’ just because Gamzee is insufferable.

“dave and terezi would pawbably still be together if it weren’t fur him” Nepeta huffs back. “if he can break them apart then he is more than catable of breaking you and dave up”

She’s not wrong but that was also different. That was an extreme of a situation that Gamzee would never dream of trying with you. Dave on the other hand, is only slightly more at risk. However, considering Dave would cut him open the very moment Gamzee raised a hand in malice, you don’t see that happening very soon either.

“THIS ISN’T EVEN ABOUT THAT,” you remind her. You know you should break up with Gamzee, and you will when it’s time to. There’s etiquette to things like this. Nepeta sits up, crossing her legs under her gracefully and taking her spoon between both hands.

“i know” she assures you. “i just fucking hate that piece of shit jugaloo” She snaps her metal spoon in half in a single gesture. This is definitely a conversation that can stop now. “but whatefur makes you happy is okay with me”

“THANKS. I THINK.”

== >

You’re positive that John’s dorky looking, probably an olympic weight lifter cousin has given you away completely. It’s not that you were keeping this information secret specifically from John, you don’t tell anybody that shit, but it’s also something that you probably should have mentioned to him at this point. Well, technically, it’s something you should have mentioned to him when you asked Rose to drop by but that probably would have been a lot of unlikely information all at once.

Not that you can even think about something so meaningless right now when Karkat is fuming with you. Actually, you can think about something that meaningless because it distracts you from the fact that Karkat is fuming at you and there is nothing you can do about it. There are moods that Karkat gets into that you can talk him out of and then there are moods that you put him in that you have to suffer through as punishment. Now is the later.

You’d like to say that these times are few and far between, but they’re not. It doesn’t happen often enough to cause strain on your relationship, but you have a tendency of putting your foot in your mouth at least once every month or so. You never learn. Never.

“yo dave where’s catfish” Meenah helps herself in as if she lives here. To be fair, she’s probably going to end up as John’s stepsister in the near future. Extremely near future. Jake hops up immediately to greet the guest.

“he’s out” you tell her. “he’ll be back later probably”

“shell nah you fucked up didn’t you?” she says instantly.

“bingo” you reply and you’re aware it comes off as playful and uncaring. It’s supposed to. What else are you supposed to do?

“Jane!” Jake greets his cousin enthusiastically, fortunately taking Meenah’s possessive attention off of you. He and Jane hug gladly. Seeing them together like this and knowing what Jade’s like, makes John seem like the black sheep of the family. Even Jane looks like she could powerlift a fridge. John looks more suited for not doing that. “Its been awhile!”

“It has,” Jane agrees, holding onto his forearms affectionately. Meenah puts a hand on Jane’s shoulder and promptly uses the other to punch Jake in his arm anything but softly.

“no flirtin with my babe” she warns.

“Meenah,” Jane scolds her swifty. This is probably that whole ‘accidental incest’ thing you’ve heard about. How does something like that even happen? John wanders out from his bedroom, newly showered and dressed, and stands beside the couch. He rests one of his crutches on it momentarily to fix the buttons of his shirt.

“you okay bro?” you ask. John looks down at you momentarily before nodding.

“yeah. fine. what about you?” he asks in response. You know what he’s referring to, obviously, but you ignore it.

“your family hasn’t scared me away yet” you assure him. John doesn’t really have an answer to the question you didn’t ask.

“You remember Meenah,” Jane says, gesturing to her matesprit. “Be nice to each other.”

“That was a misunderstanding,” Jake insists, gladly showing his approval of Meenah by placing a hand on her shoulder. “We sorted it all out ‘n are the best of friends now righto?”

“keep yo hands to yourself an ill carp mine to me and we wont have a problem deal”

“Deal.” To which Jake immediately removes his hand from her. This is going to be a fun weekend, you can already tell.

“Oh John,” Jane says suddenly, noticing his presence in the room. “You’re awake, good.” He’s barely been asleep. John smiles half heartedly and if it wasn’t clear that he was tired before, it should be now.

“yeah. while i’m glad you’re here-” You’re not entirely sure that’s true. “i’m really not up to entertaining guests. you guys should really just enjoy your time off in town or something.”

“John!” Jane says indignantly. “We’re not guests to be entertained,” she huffs in a much softer tone. “We’re here to make you feel better and help you recover.”

“Thats what family is for after all!” Jake agrees. It’s sort of sad that this is exactly what John doesn’t want. You don’t think it’s their help specifically that he doesn’t want, but rather he doesn’t want them to waste their time on him. You don’t think he’ll really say anything though, which probably makes it worse. Unfortunately, there’s really nothing you can do in this situation. John sighs.

“How about some breakfast,” Jane suggests.

“That sounds delightful,” Jake nods.

“sure,” John murmurs, carefully sitting himself beside you. They both head into the kitchen. Meenah waits until they are gone before plopping herself in the recliner and dropping her feet on the coffee table.

“is he-” Meenah jerks her head toward the kitchen or rather who’s in the kitchen; Jake.

“yeah” is all you can reply. Of course John’s cousin is dating your brother. What were you really expecting at this point? John’s matesprite’s sister is Areana who’s Meenah’s moirail who’s Jane’s matesprite who’s John’s sister who’s Vriska’s ex who’s a frequent client of Kanaya who’s your sister’s matesprit. You could go on, but it get’s dumber from there. The only thing you’ve learned is that your particular group of people are, by some incredible means, attracted to one another. The only thing you find funny is that you haven’t met John before now.

“well dickshades” she says. “this parts going to be less surprisin than”

“don’t say it” You don’t even want to hear it. You want to hear literally anything else. The sound of a record in a garbage disposal, two swords scratching each other, that thing when you drag your hand across ceran wrap.

“yo brother is droppin by and i bet ya your next pay that he’s gonna be flounderin ol’ square eyes directly here” she tells you. You got to go. Not immediately, sure, but at least within the next thirty or so seconds.

“your brother?” John murmurs. “strider?”

“about that” No, actually, you needed to have left thirty minutes into the past. You need to have warp sped back to the beginning of time. “i should have mentioned this sooner”

“are you dave strider?” John asks. You don’t look at each other.

“i’m dave strider” you say. “remember when i said it was complicated”

“get out of my house,” he says instantly.

“okay” you answer slowly. “i understand you’re probably upset i will give you a iou for three hundred dollars if you just hear me out”

“i’m calling the police,” he says and you’re not one hundred percent sure if he’s joking or not. It would be great if he didn’t do that immediately before your brother got here.

“i will give you a handy” you offer instead.

“i’m calling jake.”

“okay no more jokes i got it message crystal clear” You want that even less. You like your spine the way it is and you’re not quite ready to to see how much Jake and Jade are alike. She was scary and he probably is too. “i told you in the beginning i wasn’t really homeless but kat was”

“i try not to remember anything about you,” he promises. Now that is definitely false.

“so the deal is kat was living with friends for a long time after his custodian died and his dad died when he was a grub so when we started dating he started living with my brother and me” you explain hastily. Shit’s hitting the fan way too fast for you and it’s making you legitimately nervous. “and we got into a fight i got into a fight with kat and that turned into a fight with my brother that turned into a fight between kat and my brother” You wait for John to say something more, but for better or worse, he waits for you to continue.

“bottom line is, he said i had to leave until i got my shit together and i told him that i had my shit together and i didn’t actually need him so we left and sort of lived on the streets and between friends” you say, making hand gestures that don’t equal to much of anything. “rose says i’m being overdramatic and technical i could go back any time but man just fuck him okay because i don’t mind apologising first but it’s not about that it’s about the fact that he thinks he doesn’t need to apologise and hell nah kat and i both deserve apologises after all this”

“aw shit i owe porrim a fiddy” Meenh mutters from the sideline. “gotta stop betting with that woman”

John gets up, somewhat slowly on his crutches, and leaves the room. He doesn’t say anything to you and he doesn’t look at you, he just slowly walks down the hall and into his bedroom without a sound. You feel like that could have gone better. Meenah laughs.

“dirk’s gonna have a tuna of a told you so when he finds out your fighting with catfish” she says. You hadn’t even thought of that. What is he going to say when he finds out you’ve annoyed Karkat into temporarily leaving? Nothing good, that’s for sure. This is the worse timing possible. Leave it to your brother to know exactly when you show up to make you look worse than you really are.

Admittedly, the front door opening does startle you a little. Would you be surprised if he showed up right that moment? No. No you would not. Fortunately for you, though, it’s only Jade and her equally terrifying dog. You’d rather see Jade than Dirk any day. And you’d rather see Karkat than Jade, but you clearly aren’t in a position to be picky right now.

“hey meenah! hey dave!” she greets you gladly.

“yo” Meenah responds, raising a hand to greet her.

“sup” you nod your head at her. That’s all the greeting you get as Jane comes scurrying out the kitchen and in one fatal swoop, lifts Jade up off the floor in a massive bear hug.

“Jade! It’s been so long!”

“janey! i missed you!”

== >

You plan on returning in a day or two. It’s at that point that you think Dave will have understood what he did wrong and will have been punished enough for it. He knows you’re not doing it out of spite. At least, he better know you’re not doing it out of spite. If that’s what he thinks, then he deserves to think that it’s out of spite.

You and Dave are different than most couples, you’ve known this from the start. This isn’t to say that you’re the only couple like this, that would be dumb, but you are not normal and other people’s suggestions into your love life generally don’t apply. You don’t have communication problems like other couples. Dave knows why you’re upset and he probably knows where you are, and he’s leaving you alone because space is the solution.

He doesn’t need to apologise and you don’t want him to. He knows what he’s done and you know he’s sorry for it because if he wasn’t, he wouldn’t be taking his punishment so quietly. Dave’s fucking dumb and unromantic and you love him and you don’t know why. If you could do better, you don’t want to.

You only glance up mildly when Nepeta hops to her feet and approaches the counter to greet the incoming customer. You’ve spent a lot of time in the Zahhak’s little repair shop over the years, more than enough time to learn that the customers they manage to keep a hold of are unique in their own ways. This one follows that pattern.

“oh” Nepeta says slowly and you can see her tail stiffen. “hello”

“Yo Nep.”

Oh shit. Oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit. You don’t move, you don’t breathe, you try not to even think. This is pretty easy to do when the sensation not shockingly different from just barely being able to keep your head above water paralyzes you.

“Good afternoon Dirk” Equius speaks in a way that is not entirely unlike himself. It’s not that this is bad, it’s simply that you would like literally anything else to be happening right now. Like hell you’re going to give that smug asshole a reason to be right. Dave would never hear the end of it. Your friends, undoubtedly, also know this. You got to get back to Dave.

“Sup Equius. Horuss here?”

You’ll head out the back as soon as he’s gone. You’re not going to risk being caught here. Nepeta glances to you and you very slowly shake your head. She doesn’t need any further information than that.

“No I am afraid he is current-” Equius coughs nervously. He’s going to give you away and you’re going to be so fucking mad. “E%cue me. He is currently out on business. He should return- return ne%t month” Dirk doesn’t respond for a few moments, clearly sensing something out of place.

“You sound different. Something up?” he asks.

“equius has a really bad cold” Nepeta assures him quickly, shoving Equius away from the counter. “i told him he shouldn’t have opened the shop today”

“Mm,” Dirk answers with less suspicion that originally conceived. “Can I leave this here for him? I did what I could with it.”

“sure!” Nepeta agrees. “i will make sure he gets it”

“Thanks. Take care of yourself, Eq,” he says as he backs up toward the door again. Equius clears his throat loudly.

“Yes. Thank you”

You wait a minute or so after hearing the door close behind him before breathing again. There’s no way he knows where you and Dave are staying but you’d rather not risk it. This is about pride and rubbing it in his fucking face. The only person who’s allowed to doubt your relationship with Dave is you.

“be careful karkitty!”

== >

You feel like you should be more surprised than you actually are. This is likely due to the fact that, well, you knew didn’t you? It’s not surprising because you, in reality, aren’t that dumb. You’ve had to sign forms for them before, forms that they asked you to sign that had their names on them and you just didn’t really pay attention. It seems like a fog now, something in the past that should have been important but instead was sucked into a void and out of the reach of your concern.

You sit at your desk in the silence of your room with a somewhat ancient laptop. You used to use this thing a lot, but as you life changed you started using it less and less. There always seemed to be something more important. It’s not particularly difficult to find videos of ‘D’ Strider. The name alone brings up a collection of shitty movie clips and various conspiracy blogs. He made some strange movies, but they weren’t bad really, not on accident.

He doesn’t really look like Dave on the surface, but that’s probably because Dave is coated in tattoos and piercings and alterations that would be strange to see him without. They move alike though, the mega famous director making hand gestures that Dave uses on a daily basis. They talk the same, too, though admittedly D’s accent is even heavier than Dave’s.

You’re not really mad. Sure, Dave should have told you this way before now, but you kind of understand why he didn’t. Just because his brother was a star doesn’t mean Dave had anything to do with that. Your sister is the owner of the largest baking corporation in the world and no one knows your name. Besides, D disappeared off the face of the earth years ago. There were, and still are, a lot of rumors as to what happened to him, but none that you bother to think about.

Of course, you don’t think lightly of it, either. Star or not, there are a lot of people who would have a fit over this. Dave probably thought you were one of those people. You think you are mostly upset that he didn’t trust you enough to tell you this. As if you’d turn around and tell everyone that D Strider’s little brother was a cheap prostitute.

The only thing that this brings to you is how little you actually know about Dave and Karkat and how little they know you. They said they were your friends but in reality, they’re just two people who took advantage of how nice you were. Thinking back on it, this whole thing is absolutely ridiculous. They tried to seduce you, committed petty theft against you, broke into your house, and coerced you into letting them stay here.

What good have they really brought you?

“john?” Jade knocks on your door gently and you close your computer absently. You were done with this anyways.

“yeah?” you answer and she pokes her head into your room a little. She looks at you worriedly. That’s not exactly new now a days, though.

“are you alright?” she asks.

“i’m fine,” you promise her. “i just remembered something i forgot to do.” And she believes you because she’s Jade and you’re John and she has no reason not you. For this, you’re actually glad because it means that you’re not dragging her down with you.

“come have some breakfast” she insists, coming into your room and grabbing your arm carefully to help you back to your feet. You move with her, fortunately still pretty numb thanks to the pain medication prescribed to you. The doctor said you’ll be out of your casts in about a week and after that you just have to take it easy for a while. You’ll try to be more careful from now on.

“i think i got it,” you tell her once your to your feet and properly on your crutches. Jade grins at you and you both walk for the kitchen. Jake has separated the table and dragged in some extra chairs from the study to accompany you all comfortably. It smells good and your stomach actually growls.

“I don’t think I’ve found this much food in your house ever,” Jane says, and whether it’s a compliment or not remains to be seen. “At least someone’s keeping you well fed.” You gather around the table and though there are only six of you, it seems like more. You’re not sure if you’ve ever had this many people in your home before.

Dave sits to your left while Jade takes up your right, though Bec squeezes himself between your and her leg in hopes for nibbles. It’s nice really, though you feel suffocated and terribly guilty that they’re wasting all this time on you, you’re really glad they’re here.

“So did ya think about what i said?” Jake asks once all the dishes have been passed around and everyone’s cups and plates were filled. Jane and Jake went overboard with the food, of course, when don’t they? Cooking is in the family blood, after all.

“did i?” You don’t recall what you were supposed to be thinking about.

“you told him, did you not!” Jade huffs across the table.

“I reckon i did just this morning,” Jake murmurs, though he doesn’t seem able to recall if he actually did.

“we want you to come with asia with us when you get better,” Jade says. Asia? You have no business being in Asia. You have no business being out of your _house_. “it will be really fun! get you away from this stuffy ol place and into some fresh air and new sights!”

“The cure to everything is fresh air and exercise!” Jake agrees. Jane shoots him an annoyed look, but Jake is blissfully unaware of what he’s done. You, admittedly, also aren’t sure what he’s done. However, it’s passed upon without any mention.

“i’ll need to think about it some more,” you assure him. You really don’t think it’s for you, but you can’t just out right tell them no. They’re your family and they’re just trying to look out for you. Before the conversation can advance any further, the back door slams open. Karkat’s home.

“Oh, hello Karkat,” Jane greets gladly.

“i was wondering where you were,” Jade grins.

“You must be karkat,” Jake says as Karkat wandered around the table. He shoves Dave over enough to drag the extra chair, likely left there especially for him, to the table. “Ive heard quite the tales about you.”

“WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU?” is Karkat’s bland reply. He’s clearly not in a good mood. Though if he’s still upset with Dave, you’re not sure why he decided to come home. Hopefully nothing happened.

“this is my cousin, jake,” you introduce. “jade’s brother.”

“THE ONE THAT BOUGHT THE ISLAND?” Karkat replies.

“Now you listen here, that island is a geographic treasure,” Jake insists, though it’s directed more at Jade than anyone else.

“we dont need an island jake!” Jade yells back.

“We didnt need an ol dingy either!” Jake assures her.

“yes! we did! we use the boat monthly jake! when are we going to use an island!” Jade says. You feel like these are problems that normal people don’t have to deal with. You would like to be a normal person very much right now. You pretend to be normal by focusing mainly on your meal instead of the odd conversation slash argument happening around you.

“At least the island was on sale,” Jake huffs.

“it was one sale! because no one wanted it, jake!” Jade promises.

“Will you please stop,” Jane sighs. “You’re going to embarrass John in front of his boyfriends.” She didn’t.

“are you the one that told the hospital that?” you ask. Jane gets that somewhat petrified looking smile on her face.

“Hm?” she replies. You close your eyes tightly for a moment, as if everything, or rather you, would disappear upon doing so. This doesn’t happen.

“i told you they’re just rooming here, jane. that’s it.”

“I know, I know. They’re just friends; they’re not your type,” Jane agrees. “To be fair though, John, your type is terrible.” This is definitely not what you want to talk about here or now or ever anywhere. Mainly because you don’t really think it’s any of your sister’s, or anyone else who happens to be seated at this table, business.

“that solves one mystery” Dave murmurs quietly.

“DON’T TALK TO ME,” Karkat answers. Everything’s great.

“you dated jake for a year. i don’t think you’re one to talk,” you remind her pointedly.

“Jake,” Jane answers. “Didn’t set a house on fire because someone flirted with me.”

“she didn’t set a house on fire because someone flirted with me,” you correct.

“Because there are plenty of _good_  reasons for setting homes on fire,” Jane retorts.

“i would like to stop having this conversation now.”

“Good. So would I. Would you like another biscuit, Karkat?”

“i swear to cod, there ain’t nothin greater than this converseation”

== >

“i guess dirk had his own shit in town then” you murmur absently, tossing yourself down on the bed. John’s family, when together, is entirely something else. They’re absolutely nothing like your family. You don’t think you’ve ever seen two people drop into an all out wrestling match over a remote control faster and you grew up in a house where sword fights happened daily.

“OR MAYBE HE FINALLY GOT TOLD TO CUT THAT CREEPY STALKING SHIT OUT,” Karkat snaps back. You’re glad Karkat isn’t giving you the cold shoulder, at least. You know he’s still mad at you and despite being in the same room as you, there’s still nothing you can do about it, so you continue to act as if there is nothing wrong.

“where are you headed?” you ask suddenly, failing your previous task all at once. Karkat looks at you, pausing a moment before the door.

“I’M GOING TO SLEEP ON THE COUCH,” he says plainly. You get up a little too quickly.

“i’ll sleep on the couch” you tell him, making for the door. He glares at you, a glare that for once is an honest glare filled with rage and discontent. As opposed to his regular glares which are usually only laced with annoyance and discontent. He doesn’t stop you, of course, and you flee from the room.

You are a coward. You know this is a problem that can only be solved by space, but it only feels like you’re running away. This is probably because you are running away. The solution itself is running away, so this is a situation of which you can not win. Instead, you do your best to not think about it.

You head downstairs. Jake’s already made himself comfortable on the couch, absently drying himself off as he enjoys a god awful movie on the television. Hot damn that’s an attractive man. You don’t know where the Egberts get it, but hell if you don’t want into the gene pool.

“sup” you greet him, hopping over the back of the couch to take up the other half. Jake, being the friendly person he is, smiles at you with his dumbass bucked mouth. You don’t know where they get those, either, but it sure as hell ain’t from the dentist.

“Hello dave,” he replies, scooting over a bit to make sure you have enough space of your own. Seeing as though it takes about three of you to make one Jake, you think you’re okay. “Having trouble with the matesprite?”

“trouble with everybody right now” you murmur, though you don’t mean it as an honest answer.

“Whys that chap?” Jake asks curiously.

“nothing man” you assure him.

“Alright then,” he says and that’s that. Jake seems to be the kind of person who takes everything at face value. Yeah, you see the match made in heaven alright. He goes back to his movie, clearly not bothered by your presence in the least.

“can i ask you something??”

“I dont see why not.”

“when you were dating your cousin, did you like full on bang her or what? she gonna know what your dick look like for the rest of her life??”

“Christ on a cracker.” 


	12. Pyramids

You get up in the early morning thanks to the pain lancing through your body. It’s not unbearable right now, but it prevents you from going back to sleep and likely allowing it to become unbearable later. With some effort, you manage to get yourself upright and sit on the side of your bed. Yesterday had been lively and a little overwhelming but all things aside, it was nice. You don’t think you’ve been together like this for years. What is it they say? Everyone gets together for a funeral.

It takes a few attempts with your broken wrist, but you manage the cap off your bottle of pills and take two of them in your palm. Carefully, you shove yourself to your feet, standing there for a moment to gather your senses and balance.

The house is quiet at this hour, the sun still just below the horizon and everyone still sleeping away. This being said, it’s not really unexpected to find Jake on the livingroom floor with Dave wrapped in one arm. You have already decided that this is clearly going to be a pattern that is not going to stop any time soon.

“i’m not really surprised,” you murmur to yourself as you begin for the kitchen again.

“you should be” Dave answers suddenly, startling you. You hadn’t known he was awake, his dumb shades preventing you from accurately knowing the difference. “he rolled down here last night and nearly squished me to death” This sounds more like Jake. “could you give me a hand this guy’s got a death grip straight out of tatooine”

You wander around the back of the couch, carefully leaning over enough to flick the pillow down onto Jake’s face. He lets go of Dave in order to grab the pillow, hugging it against his chest and tucks himself against the edge of the couch. Dave rolls out of reach quickly before hopping to his feet in an elegant movement.

“have you been like that all night?” you ask as Dave follows you into the kitchen.

“nah he was chill until he rolled over” he says, sitting himself at the reduced table. You pour yourself a glass of water to help swallow down the pills, the unpleasant sensation of the blocky things giving you goosebumps. You turn on the coffee pot before joining Dave at the table.

“jake’s always slept like a stone,” you agree.

“i didn’t sleep with him if it makes you feel better” Dave assures you, ruffling his hair mildly. “your weird monogamous cousin wasn’t interested”

“he’s pretty bizarre,” you murmur with a nod. This is a discussion neither of you are particularly invested it. The house becomes quiet again. Dave looks away a little, scratching his nose with a finger. You pay him little attention. “so, where’s jade?”

“she went with jane said she needed help dying her roots or something”

“oh,” you mouth back.

“so hey man can we talk??” he finally says. That’s something you don’t want to do.

“about what?” you ask and he looks to you again. He runs his hands through his hair again before pushing his shades up to the top of his head, showing off his unusual red eyes. This is obviously going somewhere you don’t want it to go.

“about me actually” he says. “and karkat not a lot of people put up with us this long like you have so you know if you have some questions or whatever here’s honesty hour with dave technically a strider”

You’re not sure what he’s trying to accomplish.

“i don’t want to know anything about you,” you say. “you don’t tell me things because of your own reasons and that’s fine. i’m not your boyfriend. or your moirail. or anything, really. when you go, it’s not going to matter anyways so it’s probably best if you save your breathe.”

== >

Great, your brother’s here. Not only is he here, but he was invited here. You’d say at least Kat is here with you, but he’s still pretty fucking pissed at you and has not offered you so much of a word today. You won’t say it can’t get worse, because you’re sure it will.

“Im glad you could make!” Jake says enthusiastically as he ushers Dirk into the living room.

“Course man. Glad I could help,” comes the cool reply. You don’t know what he could possibly help with here, but you’re obviously going to find out fairly soon. Jake immediately goes about introducing his family.

“This is jade, my sister,” he says, physically putting Dirk’s hand in Jade’s for them to shake. It’s like he’s afraid to let go of him or something.

“it is nice to meet you finally dirk!” Jade, as glad as always, is more than pleased to meet him.

“Ditto. Thanks for the delta processor by the way. I didn’t think they made those anymore,” he thanks her with the moronic smirk that is entirely unnecessary. She shakes his hand thoroughly before Jake pulls him away and drags him over to Jane and repeats the action of putting their hands together.

“And this is jane, my cousin.”

“I’ve heard a lot about you,” he tells her. “It’s good to meet you.”

“I’ve heard some things of you, as well. Thank you for coming,” Jane smiles her natural pleasant smile. Jake, wisely, does not put hands on Meenah, instead only gesturing to her mildly.

“And her matesprit meenah.”

“Sup Peixes,” Dirk greets her and they bump fists idly. They’ve known each other for years, of course. This only seems to surprise Jake slightly, peeking his curiosity more than anything.

“still swimmin strider” Meenah replies. With that out of the way, the horrible part commences. Jake, even more wisely, does not attempt to put hands on the quietly fuming Karkat, either. For a moment, it appears as if he might skip over Karkat all together, but ultimately doesn’t do so.

“And this is karkat and dave,” he introduces you together, instead. He does make an attempt of grabbing your hand, but you slyly avoid any trys of having to shake your brother’s hand for any reason.

“We’ve met,” is all Dirk says like the snippy little asshole he is. You can’t stand him.

“just act natural okay!” Jade says excitedly. “and john will see that it is fine and everything is okay even if he is not straight”

And then you take the train all the way back to station one.

“wait what slowdown” you cut in suddenly. “are you trying to show john that it’s okay to be gay?” You knew it would get worse but you didn’t think it would get this worse. Today has just started off to be the epiphany of horrible days. John gave up on you, Karkat’s still mad at you, your brother is being a dick like always, and now this is happening. It’s a once in a lifetime event of everything bad aligning all at once. “of course john isn’t fucking straight just look at you three” and you gesture to them pointedly. “bangs trolls bangs dudes bangs all three”

“of course not!” Jade huffs. “that is why were trying to show him that it is okay! and we accept him not matter what!”

“look john is not against dating us because we’re guys john doesn’t want to date us because he doesn’t fucking like us” you assure her more aggressively than you decide was strictly necessary. “do you understand?”

“now you listen to me” Jade snaps back. “i have not seen john accept anyone into his life like he’s done with you and karkat since nanna died. not even that horrid troll serket! he _likes_  you! maybe he doesn’t even know he likes you yet, but he likes you. john is sick! and miserable! and there is nothing i can do about that! do you know how awful that is?” She’s- crying? “so maybe you are right but you know what? you and your victim complex can go fuck itself because even if it doesn’t work at least i would have done something- anything! so either shut your fucking face or do something useful”

“is everything okay?” John questions quietly from the hall. You sit yourself back down, clearly having been put in your place, and everyone puts on a charade for John. Jade quickly rubs her eyes under her glasses with the palm of her hand.

“Oh John!” Jane says swiftly. “You took a while, are you alright?” she asks idly.

“i’m fine,” John murmurs. “it’s just hard getting out of all that plastic wrap,” he assures her. You’re not agreeing that this is a good idea. Either John’s hetrosexual or he’s not, and trying to show him that his cousin is perfectly normal isn’t going to change that. You've trekked thst path already. What you’re agreeing to is the fact that you should keep your goddamn mouth shut because you don’t know shit about anything.

“john! this is dirk! jake’s boyfriend!” Jade introduces them quickly.

“Nice to meet you, bro,” Dirk greets with a small head nod. John glances around mildly for a momently, obviously tipped off to the grave mistake you had made only moments before.

“yeah,” he responds after a moment. “nice to meet you.”

“since you are still in your casts we thought the lot of us could go see a movie” Jade says happily. “some good ones have come out recently!”

“oh,” John says. “okay.”

Karkat puts his hand on your thigh.

== >

You watch thing happen around you. Jade and Bec stand at the ticket booth, arguing loudly about Bec’s service status and the fact that he is, in fact, a service dog and what do you mean you need his papers? Are you really going to make a poor girl leave her service dog outside because she forgot some papers? Nothing unusual there.

Jake and his apparent boyfriend, Dirk, stand in front of one of the claw machines that line the outside wall. Both sets of their hands are tangled on the single set of controls and they stand so closely together that you doubt you could squeeze a hair between them. Jake is laughing gladly but Dirk, much like Dave, seems to have very mellow emotions.

Jane and Meenah sit on the plushed bench not too far away from you, huddled together gladly. Meenah has an arm slung around your sister’s waist, holding her closely and happily as they whisper to one another and Jane giggles quietly. You’re glad that Jane has found someone that can give her so much attention. She deserves it.

Then there’s Karkat and Dave, standing out near the street where they share a cigarette. You guess Karkat has forgiven him and you’re especially happy about that. Dave depends on Karkat a lot, that much is obvious, and their fight held a strain on him clearly. You think it affected Karkat more than he lets on, as well. They clearly don’t find the urge to stand close together, but they still share their space intimately.

It’s not- you don’t not like Dave and Karkat. That’s not what you said. That’s not what you meant. You might still be a little unsure of them at times, especially with this new ‘Strider’ actuality, but you don’t hate them. You never really hated them. You just wanted them to leave.

You’ve sort of been in the habit of people leaving you. Nanna went and then everyone seemed to follow her. Jake started leaving for his adventures all the time and then Jade started joining him. Then Jane got so caught up in her business and her empire. Then your dad wanted to move out. You’d never been great with steady relationships and when you met Vriska, you were so happy. You loved her and you wanted to marry her. And you had a great friend, even if he was impossibly dorky at times because so were you.

And then they left you and you guess you just gave up.

Dave and Karkat are wanderers though, aren’t they? They don’t stick around for very long, if at all. They’ll stay around until they get what they need or until something else calls their name and then they’ll be gone. You don’t think you have the energy to put into a relationship like that.

Everyone makes a big fuss about you being hetrosexual when in reality, it’s really not that big a deal for you. You’ve had crushes on guys before, sure. Besides, even if you did start dating a man, or a man and a troll in this case, that wouldn’t been you were any less attracted to women. You’re nearly forty years old, being attracted to men is not a life changing realization for you. You just prefer women nearly all of the time and while you wouldn’t have a problem with dating a man, one night stands just aren’t something you’re interested in which always seems to be when someone wants to mention your sexuality.

It’s not that you don’t like them and it’s not that you’re ‘not gay’, either. It’s just that, well, they’re going to leave, aren’t they? They’re two homeless people with ridiculous connections and honestly, as soon as Dave and Dirk make up, they’ll probably go back to living with his brother. Even if they don’t though, Dave is working a good job and you’ve already seen him get offered much grander things to work for much bigger businesses. The Striders, and their sister family the Lalondes, are natural geniuses. They advance quickly, they get what they want, and they don’t have to try hard at it.

It’s only a matter of time before they tell you that they have enough money to get on their feet and buy their own apartment or something. That’s all you were for, after all, a place to stay while Dave could ‘get his shit together’.

Why would you put what little energy and effort you have into something that clearly won’t work out in your favor?

“ticket get!” Jade waves a stack of tickets gladly as she bounces away from the desk. She comes to stand in front of you and Bec happily remains at her side. Everyone gathers around her, and subsequently, you. Dave rubs out the stub of their cigarette under his boot before coming and sitting beside you, pulling the reluctant Karkat into his lap. Jane and Meenah scoot over a bit and Jake and Dirk come to stand by Jade.

She passes around the string of tickets gladly. Honestly, you’re not sure she thought this out too well. There’s three couples then you, her, and Bec. There is one thing you know, though, and that is that you never want to see her cry over you again.

It’s kind of funny to watch your group swarm the concession stand. It’s early morning and clearly not the time for movies thus the theater is mostly empty. This leaves two teenagers to assist the eight of you. Two hundred dollars worth of theater food, drinks, and candy later, your group heads for the theater in a cluster. You haven’t had movie popcorn in forever. This, of course, is because you haven’t been to the movies forever.

Movie popcorn with extra butter is the reason movie theaters exist.

The theater itself is empty as well, giving the set of you the best seats in the place. It takes some maneuvering about to get settled, however. Jake and Dirk sit a row in front of you, with Jane and Meenah to their left. Jade takes the seat to your right and she pulls the seat next to her down for Bec to plop himself in. To your immediate left is Karkat and beside him, Dave. Bad ideas aside, everyone seems to be enjoying themselves.

You’re not even sure what movie you’ve been dragged off to. Something ridiculous, you’re sure. Previews roll idly on the screen.

“yo pass those junior mints over here” Dave gestures to one of the boxes Karkat’s holding.

“THOSE AREN’T GOING IN THE POPCORN,” Karkat huffs back.

“uh hell yes they are going straight in the popcorn” Dave promises.

“YOU’RE DISGUSTING.”

“yeah and i’m pretty sure mixing cola and pepsi is a mortal sin so which one of us is really in the wrong here”

“i snuck some cupcakes in” Meenah whispers to your sister. “you want one”

“I also snuck some in,” Jane admits quietly. Meenah grins her razor sharp teeth.

“have i told ya i love you” she says, kissing Jane’s cheek gladly. “whatcha got over there hot mama”

“The Swedish Fish ones with buttercream frosting.”

“aw shell yeah i got them raspberry champagne with chocolate ganache trade ya one of my rasp for one of your fish and a kiss”

“I reckon you have yourself a deal.”

“bec no! save some for the movie! also those were mine!” Jade yips, fighting to get her bag of jerky back. “tsst!”

“Is this a peanut?” Jake murmurs, peering at a little chocolate covered lump. Dirk pops it in his mouth.

“No. That’s a piece of cookie dough,” he assures your cousin.

“Ah swell then! Mix away!” Jake says happily. Dirk covers their shared tub of popcorn to shake it thoroughly with the mess of sweets they’ve dumped into it.

“Dude, you should really read the boxes before ripping them open.”

“Hobblewash! Whod a peanut ever hurt?”

“You, Mr. Deathly Allergic To Peanuts.”

“Right.”

“WHAT’S WRONG WITH YOU?” Karkat grumbles loudly at you. You look to him a little, not entirely sure what he’s referring to. You don’t think you were doing anything.

“nothing?” you reply. “i’m fine,” you assure him. He huffs loudly at you. Perhaps he was just checking on you. Of course Karkat wouldn’t just ask if you were alright.

“YOUR FAMILY’S WEIRD,” he says to you. You agree with a mild nod. This is a fact, but it's a fact that you’re okay with. They’re weird, but they mean well.

“are you okay?” you ask him and he gives you a somewhat suspicious look. “you and dave had a fight?” To which he exchanges his suspicion for dismission.

“THAT’S BECAUSE DAVE IS A STUPID MOTHERFUCKER. WE’LL GET OVER IT,” he shrugs simply. This doesn’t seem altogether healthy, but he and Dave have a good relationship. They know what they’re doing, clearly.

When the lights go dim, everyone goes quiet automatically. Your concentration fades in and out from the movie. It’s sort of interesting, you suppose, but not enough to keep your attention like it does everything else. A romantic thriller, odd combination of genes you think. People love their romances. Honestly, you’re probably more interested in your popcorn.

Somewhat through the movie, Karkat grabs your hand from the armrest. This would be alright except that’s your broken one and he’s not exactly light handed. You ignore it initially. Then he squeezes harder and wow that actually kind of hurts. You roll your arm a bit in hopes of dislodging him. It doesn’t.

“karkat,” you whisper quietly.

“SHHH,” he growls back loudly, and his grip gets tighter. That’s incredibly painful.

“my wrist,” you say quietly, trying to nudge his hand off of yours.

“GOD HELP YOU EGBERT,” Karkat warns. You make your grand escape. Carefully, you stand and Karkat releases you in order to shove you out of his way. You make your way through the isle, slipping past Dave and into the aisle. You head out of the theater.

You could use some fresh air, anyways. This is pretty nice, though. You’re enjoying yourself. Making sure you still have your ticket in your pocket, you head outside again. You stand in front of one of the posters for the movie you’re watching, some thirty-word title that you can’t fathom ever being able to remember with an actor who you know somewhat. You fish through your sylladex for your pipe, absently examining the poster as you pack it.

You’ll head back in in a few minutes.

== >

“That was incredible!” Jake says gladly as the lot of you leave the theater.

“SHE COULD HAVE DONE BETTER,” you huff back. It was a good movie, you agree, but why she would ever choose that moron over her reformed ex is beyond you. Dave hangs off your waist as you walk.

“we should grab something to eat!” Jade insists, propping her hands up on the back of her head. “im so hungry”

“there’s this sweet hotdog truck around the corner from here” Dave informs. “parks in front of sweet cheriies around lunch time”

“That sounds grand,” Jake agrees. “Lets go!” Everyone’s in unanimous agreement. You head for Jade’s truck again. Admittedly, you’re even less comfortable with her driving. To be fair, why any of you allow the narcoleptic to drive is beyond you. John climbs into the passenger's seat. Dave’s hurt feelings aside, John seems to be in a better mood today. You told Dave this wouldn’t work for him. He should have known better than to have high expectations for this.

Bec hops into the backseat and the rest of you climb into the truck bed. Jake helps Dave’s brother up, though you especially know that he doesn’t need it. Dave, likely in some sort of dump attempt to better said brother, offers a hand to assist you. You shove him away angrily and hoist yourself up. Dave climbs in behind you, seating himself against the back of the truck and leaning into the small window.

Meenah gives Jane a lift into the back, her shorter figure and long skirt not exactly prime for doing it herself. Meenah hops in after her, pulling the back closed. It’s a comfortable fit, though admittedly having to be anywhere near Dirk is enough to make anything uncomfortable.

“ready to go chika” Dave informs, patting the window.

“excellent! cheriies is the one on second street right?” she confirms as she heads out.

“yup right across from the park” he assures her. He remains in the window for a moment, though, and Bec sniffs his face idly. Dave pushes the white mutt away from a little. “how’s your wrist?”

“it’s okay,” John answers automatically, rotating said arm a little.

“karkat can get really caught up in his movies” he says. You scoff loudly. He could have said something. “no harm no foul”

“yeah,” John agrees with a small nod. Right, as if John hadn’t been looking for a reason to get some room, anyways. Maybe he hasn’t always been like that, but it’s pretty obvious that he needs his own space and regardless of his family’s good intentions, they continue to swarm on him.

“STOP APOLOGISING FOR ME,” you snap at him. Dave replies by leaning on you heavily and wrapping an arm around your neck.

“Nothing new here,” Dirk says. You hold back a sharp comment. Dave holds his tongue, as well.

“You did mention youve met,” Jake notes curiously. “You know each other?”

“Here is not the time or place,” Dirk assures him immediately. How mysterious, he doesn’t want to explain why he kicked his brother out to his brother. You’re so surprised. Jake, fortunately, lets sleeping dogs lie.

“speaking of” Meenah says. “you sean porrim recently she and areana ain’t talkin” You don’t think this is specifically due to what happened with John. Areana and Porrim have had an on and off relationship for several years now. Of course, there was no way John could have known that, anyways. He hadn’t even known she was his ex’s sister. He’s kind of dumb.

“Nah, I haven’t,” Dirk answers. “Should hit up Cronus. He’ll probably know.” Meenah rolls her eyes dramatically. Jane looks at her curiously. You don’t think she’s as dense as her brother, or her cousin for that matter, so it’s likely that Meenah isn’t entirely trying to keep it a secret.

“cod damn i ain’t want to deel with all that”

“Could always ask her sister,” Dirk suggestion.

“yeah” she answers.This is just screaming of something that she’s probably going to push onto you instead. She’s just lucky you like her.

“here we are!” Jade parks somewhat haphazardly before hopping out of the driver’s seat. You climb over the bed wall and Dave follows behind you. It’s weird to think that you used to sleep in this park. You used to sleep a lot of places. You prefer where you’re sleeping now, as it is. Well, actually, there is one adjustment you can think of.

“It smells good,” Dirk murmurs.

“it is good” Dave replies somewhat defensively. “they’ll probably toss a carrot on their for you if you’re still not shoving meat in your gob” It was only a matter of time before Dave started getting aggressive. As usual, Dirk makes no effort to even act goaded and it only annoyed Dave further. You pull him away, dragging him out of this ridiculous discussion, and toward the food truck.

“STOP FUCKING AROUND,” you growl at him. “JOHN’S FAMILY LIKES US RIGHT NOW. THAT’S A FUCKING GOOD THING IF YOU REMEMBER.” Unlike before, while staying on their good side is a good idea to getting close before, it’s also a pretty great idea to not cross Betty Crocker. It definitely doesn’t hurt that they’re absolutely loaded, either.

“i’m cool it’s nothing” Dave assures you. “everything is great”

“GOD YOU’RE SO FUCKING INSECURE. JUST FUCKING DEAL WITH IT. YOU KNOW HE’S NOT GOING TO STICK AROUND,” you snap. Dave makes no reply. John comes to stand with you, leaning on his crutch heavily. He glances over his shoulder a bit before looking back to the menu.

“man if you like hotdogs this place is the best” Dave tells him. You think John is aware that he has hurt Dave’s feelings somehow.

“they seem kind of fancy,” John notes.

“hell yeah pimp your dog the atomic dog is my favorite stuffed with jalapeno wrapped in bacon and covered with this pineapple-mango relish amazing”

“wow.”

As Dave describes several other items on the menu, the others place and take their orders from the little food truck. It’s not shockingly busy, mostly some working people from the street, but nothing not expected. Having been all over this city for months, it’s pretty easy to know where to park yourself to pan handle and therefore, you also know how to avoid all the people. Fortunately you got here before the truck moved on to somewhere more populated.

Knowing Jade, it’s unlikely that you’ll end up home after this. It’s going to be a long day out, that much is clear. You approach the truck with Dave and John, order what you normally order, and make no efforts to prevent John from paying. Dave may be working a stable job for once, but that doesn’t mean either of you are ready to start spending it on everything.

“it looks good,” John says, smiling at the pair of you. It’s not as forced as it used to be, but it’s not the honest one either. You doubt this is a sign of his well being, however. You and Dave head for the shade of a tree. John follows for a few steps before awkwardly stopping, considering it, and leaving to sit with his cousin.

He does know he’s hurt Dave’s feeling, which is sort of incredible considering most people won’t even notice Dave if he doesn’t want them to. It’s really not a question as to why Dave likes him. Much for the same reason he likes you, which admittedly is a tad concerning. However, unlike Dave, you’re smart enough to know he wouldn’t leave you.

== >

It turns out to be a long day. Jade drags you, or more specifically John, all over town. While everyone else is more than pleased for the little trip, John taps out a little afternoon, repeatedly assuring his family that he’d much rather just stay in the truck than slow them down. This doesn’t fly even once and instead they just help him along, being sure to stop to sit often.

It’s sort of weird to be out on the town on leisure, but it’s not particularly bad. Fortunately, you didn’t run into anyone potentially rude. Those would be the people who never want to admit you exist anyways, so all the better. When you’re finally allowed to head back home, John is thoroughly exhausted. You can think of something better than sleeping right now.

As soon as John hits the couch, he’s fast asleep, sat upright and neck craned somewhat. You’ll have to give him a hand a little later. You don’t want to wake him until everyone’s gone. Jake and your brother make their departure not long after, mentioning something about a seminar they’re attending elsewhere. Jake assures you he’ll be back to discuss Asia with John some time after he gets his casts off. You promise to pass this information on.

Dirk wishes you good luck. You have nothing to say to this.

Jane leaves a bunch of cupcakes in the kitchen before bidding you and Karkat good bye. You hear Jane apologise distantly for her cousins, but Karkat simply scoffs and puts it off. Meenah assures you she and Jane won’t be back tomorrow. You’re sure there’s nothing for her to worry about; Jane’s crazy about her. Besides, if she’s married to Jane, then there’s no way she’s going to try to get back together with Karkat. They have your, meaningless, blessing.

Jade seems pleased with herself. If the goal was wearing John out, then she certainly achieved that. She approaches you gladly, cupcake in hand.

“i forgive you” she says warmly. You haven’t apologised yet. “but next time you raise your voice at me we are going to have a serious fucking problem! got it!”

“got it” you assure her, making an ‘ok’ with one hand. “don’t have to tell me twice”

“good! just give john some time, okay” Jade tells you, giving you a firm hug. “he has had a hard time”

“WE’LL TAKE CARE OF HIM,” Karkat promises. She hugs Karkat tightly, despite his likely faux displeasure for it.

“bec and i have a field run a couple towns over, so we will see you some time next week!”

“we’ll be here” you tell her. She waves as she leaves, her big dog padding off after her as he usually does. You close and lock the door as she drives away and Karkat goes to work closing curtains and the like.

You flop down on the couch next to John and he stirs slightly. He looks at you faintly.

“question,” he says quietly.

“shoot” you agree. Karkat comes to sit beside you lazily, closing his eyes and breathing calmly. It was a good day, really.

“is your brother blind?” John asks curiously.

“yup” you answer with a simple nod. John makes a small, somewhat interested, ‘huh’. The three of you sit quietly for a while. It would be pretty easy to fall asleep here, honestly, regardless of the uncomfortable couch. “you need some help??”

“no,” he answers simply. You nod again. “i don’t- not like you two,” he says. You say nothing. “it’s not that. i’d just rather be by myself right now.”

“yeah” you agree. That means that you’d have a chance sometime in the future, doesn’t it? This is something you can work with. As long as John isn’t kicking you out and doesn’t hate you, then you guess you can deal. “no problem”

“WE DON’T HAVE ANYWHERE TO BE,” Karkat grumbles.

“i’m actually glad you’re here,” John admits. “don’t tell jade and jane that please.”

“assuming she doesn’t know with that mystic third eye of hers” you say.

“assuming she doesn’t know,” John agrees.

“I’M GLAD YOU’RE HERE, TOO,” Karkat says quietly from your side. John chuckles tiredly.

“i promise, there are no more bridges in my future.”


	13. Where Did The Stars Go

“yo check it” Dave gestures you toward him on the couch and you fling yourself down beside him, shaking the entire thing with your movement. He brings his arm around your neck, leaning on you and holding his new cellphone up for both of you to see. It was a gift from Jade and her brother, though you think of it less of a gift and more of a life line. She wants to be able to contact you and Dave on a moments notice and vice versa. It was nice, though, you guess. At least with them, you know you’re not obligated to return the favor. “jade sent us some vidyas”

John’s been gone about a week and it just feels weird. You mean, you had free reign of the house before, but John was still here, usually hovering around somewhere or sleeping in his bed. It’s completely different when he’s altogether absent. It makes you uneasy. When he decided to take his cousins’ offers up to go with them to Asia, you were admittedly a little surprised. It’s probably good for him, sure, but you didn’t think John would be the kind of person to go for something like that.

This, obviously, lead you to remember that you don’t actually know what John is like when he’s not what he is now; the dreaded ‘D’ word that no one’s allowed to mention. Or rather, would dare to mention. If no one talks about it, it’ll go away all on its own like magic. The fact that, that’s actually happening is coincidental.

Dave holds his phone steady as he taps the screen already prepared with one of the videos.

The video isn’t steady, but you can very plainly see John on the other side of what appears to be a very deep, very dark hole. He’s hooked up to come climbing equipment, but sure as hell not enough of it. This is the guy that fell off a fucking twenty foot bridge. You watch as he looks between the ledge he’s standing on and the ledge above him, taking in account of the difference with a few precise looks before taking a step back, readying himself, and vaulting the twelve feet with ease. You’ve never seen him move like that before. John moves like he’s weightless; like the downward pressure of gravity has no affect on him.

Jake comes along behind him, the larger of the two not being able to move quite as easily. Though admittedly, Jake is moving more safely, actually climbing the edge of the crater as opposed to putting all his faith in a steady footing. If John falls off anything else, you swear to fucking god you will handcuff him to Dave for the rest of eternity.

“john!” Jade calls and John glances toward the camera curiously. It steadies a little, focusing better on him. “say hi to dave and kat!”

John grins suddenly, catching you and Dave off guard. He peers down the hole for a moment and you can see the massive gust blowing his hair upward. He’s not. Oh god, he is. He glances back to where Jade is clearly positioned, making the same judgements as before only on a much larger scale. To your relief, John’s cousins are fortunately more concerned for his safety than he himself is, and you see Jake hurriedly snap a tether to the back of his harness before he launches himself across the gap.

The strong winds crawling upward assist in his jump, preventing him from plummeting to his death on camera. He grabs onto the wall beside Jade, the camera now incredibly close to his face. He smiles broadly, his dumb teeth fully visible and still fully in need of extreme dentist work. He laughs.

“hey karkat! hey dave!” he says gladly. “don’t destroy my house please!”

“john!” Jade scolds him.

“miss you! wish you were here! check the mail! water the lawn! don’t have sex in my bed!” he lists off jokingly. Or somewhat jokingly, at least. You’re sure he wouldn’t be happy if that actually happened. Jade swats him from off camera slightly. “gotta go! text you later!”

The video stops after that.

“HE’S GOING TO GET HIMSELF KILLED, ISN’T HE?” you say blandly. Before your concern was that John would kill himself. This concern has not changed, it’s just that now when he does it, it will be less on purpose and more because of recklessness. This does not make it any better, obviously.

“yup” Dave answers without even the slightest bit of hesitation. He swipes his finger over the mobile a bit more, navigating to another video. He leans over you again, holding the screen for you to watch with him. This video is far more stable than the last and this time death isn’t immediate. Jake and John stand side by side in front of a car, a map clearly spread out across the hood. When they stand side by side, it becomes far more obvious at how small John really is compared to the rest of his family.

Jane is short and round, fitting of the owner of a baking company. Jade is tall and made mostly of muscle and probably bricks, an obvious voche of her active lifestyle. Jake has the heavy weight lifter form, a visual of the pounds he packs on. Then there’s John, made entirely of skin and bones apparently. He’s had better, you’re sure. You’ve seen the pictures from before his Nanna’s death.

“there they are” Jade whispers. You can’t hear John and Jake, but they're discussing something excessive and John keeps pointing off screen to what you assume is the sky. “the crocker legacy in their natural habitat” She moves forward a little, zooming in on their faces dramatically. “who will win this fierce debate?”

All of a sudden, out of the clear blue sky, it begins to rain hard and fast. Immediately, John and Jake are soaked through, looking like a pair of pitiful wet dogs. John gives his cousin a sharp look, pushing his hair back out of his face idly.

“you believe me now?” he says plainly. The camera pans to the darkening sky for a moment before starting to shake as Jade approaches the two. It steadies for a moment only to rapidly shake again as she shakes herself off. When it focuses somewhat again, both men are holding hands out to shield themselves as if it wasn’t pouring down quarter sized drops. “i told you the wind was going to carry those clouds over here.”

“Well i reckon i cant debate that now, can i?” Jake murmurs. “Shall we call it a day, then?”

“no use in working in the rain!” Jade yips. “there’s a warm hotel bed and a delicious meal waiting for me!”

“that sounds nice,” John agrees, covering his eyes a bit from the rain and he looks upward. “looks like it’s going to rain all night.”

“you look ready to go home already” Jade murmurs and John glances toward her a bit. He smiles though, and again, it’s not one of those forced smiles that could easily make you cringe. It’s a calm, natural smile.

“just ready to sleep in my own bed,” he admits.

“with dave and kat?” she teases him. You watch him blush for a moment before covering his face with his hand. He doesn’t respond initially, but he eyes her again over his hand. He changes topics quickly.

“are you recording this?” he asks. The camera moves away a bit.

“no?”

He lunges at her, and the camera jerks around as they obviously tussle over it. It’s suddenly aimed at the muddy ground and then swings around to catch a glimpse of John trying to reach said device before lying still. You hear Jade laughing. Jake picks it back up, grinning into the camera pleasantly.

“John misses you, gotta go, bye.”

The video ends there and you scoff loudly. You’re glad John’s feeling better, you really are, but you’re not excited about what’s going to happen once he is actually better. Maybe he’ll finally come to his senses and kick you out. Or, you know, call the police. Obviously, you don’t really think he’s going to do this, but you guess you can’t help but worry anyways. Worse things have definitely happened in better situations.

“thats all i got for now” Dave says, pocketing his phone again. He sits back on the couch a little more, his arm still comfortably left behind your neck. “he looks like he’s having fun” he comments. You huff loudly in response. He’ll be back in a few days, sure, but you kind of miss him. No one will ever find that out, hell damn you. “so what now”

“I DON’T FUCKING KNOW. YOU TELL ME,” you snap back. You know he’s been working a lot lately, though admittedly his job probably isn’t the most difficult as they come. He’s working so hard because he wants to buy you something nice and you’re not going to stop him. As weird as it seems, Dave does have his pride and if he wants to work double the hours to afford to buy you a nice computer then you’re not going to say anything about it. It’s not like he would listen to you anyways. He knows you don’t need nice things. He also knows he can get away with working long hours without bothering you, though.

“there’s a sea dweller orgy going on downtown hosted by your highness” he comments. “invitation only” Yeah, like you need a fucking invitation. You don’t get invitations, you’re just expected to show up and when you don’t, people want to know where you were as if you and Dave didn’t have better things to do. “people are probably wondering what happened to us”

Called it. If it weren’t for the fact that you were homeless, most of the people you associate with probably wouldn’t associate with you. Dave and his family are intimidating and you’re a lowly mutant. You see the point he raises, though. Regardless of your current position, John is not budging and it would be a good idea to have a backup plan in case this, like many things have, fails. That means holding onto the relationships that you have.

Admittedly, though, you’re not entirely against the idea of attending said orgy. You thought you’d be happy with Dave regardless of your sexual status, and you are, but sexually you find yourself unsatisfied. You’re going to assume Dave is feeling this way as well, otherwise he wouldn’t have suggested it.

“WHATEVER.”

== >

Many of the people here are familiar to you, at least somewhat distantly, but for the most part you are uninterested in them. You recognize most of them as people who work for or with the Amporas, which doesn’t say much. They’re mainly seadwellers aside for the few who are likely said seadwellers’ romantic or sexual partners. Not that anything else can be expected from something called a ‘seadweller orgy’.

From the entryway, you can see either Ampora separated by the grand stairs that cut the room in half. To the right, Eridan stands by himself, staring angrily at the mobile in his hand as if the thing had greatly insulted him just the moment before. You wouldn’t be surprised if it had. To the left, Cronus stands with his datemate, chatting with her in a friendly fashion.

“so douchebag number one or douchebag number two?? or feferi’s probably in the back” you question. Karkat crosses his arms over his chest firmly and you watch him grind his teeth in his mouth a little as he thinks. Both Amporas catch sight of you and it’ll be literally seconds before they move to greet you. Keeping them apart is crucial to keeping this evening not horrible and not needing to call the paramedics. “i heard eridan’s company had a fall out with betty crocker”

“I’LL TAKE CRONUS,” he says firmly. Yeah, that’s what you figured. You’d rather take Eridan over Cronus any day anyways. Karkat starts heading toward Cronus and Roxy. You head for Eridan. He pretends not to notice you approaching at first, looking back to his phone again as you come to stand beside him. You give the room another glance over.

“where’s your hatemate?” you question.

“yeah i wwas gonna invvite him” he says blandly. He thinks this means Sollux will show up anyways. You, of course, know that Sollux isn’t going to show up no matter what. It’s definitely a thing to watch, you guess, weird hate relationships aside. You run a finger over the curve of his ear fin and it flutters slowly in reply.

“heard your company is going under again is your genetic supplier gonna bail you out this time??” you ask. This is a comment especially to annoy him. Which it does. He grabs the hood of your sweater, yanking you downward. You allow him this small power.

“wwhy dont you mind your owwn business” he answers sharply.

“yo i just thought this was a sex party not a sulk in the corner over your poor choices party” you shrug slightly. He doesn’t offer a tangible reply. He does captchalogue his phone though which is good enough. Without a word to you, he releases your hood and heads towards the back. You follow.

It’s about as busy as it usually is and the first couple rooms of the hall are occupied. Eridan enters the first empty one and you close the door behind you. He sits on the edge of the bed and watches you expectantly. You said you would rather take Eridan than Cronus, but man it’s unfortunate Feferi isn’t attracted to you because if Eridan is the lesser evil, Feferi is the good.

You undress leisurely going so far as to semi-fold your shirt and sweater on the little decorative dresser. Eridan doesn’t say anything, but you know he won’t. Whether this is because he’s too proud or because he knows when to shut his mouth to stop from ruining what he has still eludes you. It’s not something you dedicate too much time to thinking of, either.

His eyes stray over you as you stand before him naked. You’ve always had the feeling he really liked your tattoos despite not having any of his own. You let him just appreciate your body for a moment before approaching him. He runs a hand over your hip and his fingers against the the gold orbs piercing your fallow skin.

“those are neww” he comments. Leave it to Eridan to notice something like that. You are absolutely coated in these things, after all. You adjust your back slightly to protrude your hip. It’s not as boney as it used to be, but that’s likely because you’ve been eating three meals a day finally.

“couple months” you answer. He stands leaving minimal room between the two of you. You have a few inches of height on him, plus a few more not visible due to his dumb show lifts. You move around him and he moves around you, a dance that is well known by this point. His unhappiness and what you can only refer to as anger aside, he doesn’t touch you with malice. He rarely does. On the brightside, you are not difficult to please anyways, so this doesn’t actually bother you.

What does bother you, even if not only slightly, is how Eridan has a habit of treating you as if you don’t have face; as if you’re not a person. However, if you weren’t okay with being treated as a replacement, you probably wouldn’t be doing things like this in the first place. When he’s in better moods, you can demand his attention, but today is definitely not one of those days.

Eridan leans over you and you sit, giving him a solid surface to brace upon for a moment. He touches you with soft fingers and kisses your skin without teeth. If it weren’t for his poor attitude and horrible opinions, you don’t believe he would be that bad of a guy. That being said, you have met the guy and you will never vouch for him.

Still, when he touches the bottom of your chin and tilts your head so he can kiss you with teeth that he’s all too careful with, he doesn’t seem that bad.

== >

“heeeey kitkat” Roxy greets you as you approach the pair of them. You shove your hands in your pockets and cave your shoulders in a bit.

“KARKAT,” you correct her with a loud huff.

“thas what i said,” she assures you. You can’t tell if she’s sober or not. Not that you could ever do that. “what are you doin here, anyways? i heard you got a shiny new john?” she questions, winking at you suggestively. While at first it was funny that his name is actually John, it’s beginning to set up a lot of miscommunication.

“WHERE’D YOU HEAR THAT?” you snap back.

“that fucking wader peixes,” she growls pointedly. You remember that being a thing. Cronus looks a little offended for a moment. Roxy puts a hand on his stomach quickly, though. “not you babe” she promises. This, for whatever reason, satisfies Cronus.

“HE’S OUT OF TOWN,” you explain plainly. Not that it really matters or not, since said ‘John’ isn’t interested in you or Dave anyways. Even if he was, he would have no say whether you were allowed to attend orgies or not. Granted, you probably wouldn’t consider it if you were actually dating. You don’t think. It would be different with John than it would be with Dave, after all. They are different people with different needs, after all, and they differ in what they supply you with. Perhaps that is a crude way of thinking of it.

“don’t touch him” Roxy says suddenly and Cronus’ hand quickly changes its path away from you. “we’re talking, fishface.” Their relationship always struck you as odd, but no odder than yours and Dave’s you suppose. “so you do have a new john?”

“SOMETHING LIKE THAT,” you agree idly.

“‘something like that’,” Roxy repeats, winking at you. “sounds like someone has a crush.”

“IS ‘SOMEONE’S’ NAME FUCKING DAVE?” you huff. It’s not that you aren’t attracted to John, it’s simply that you know when you’re not wanted. Dave, however, will beat a dead hoofbeast. Unfortunately for you, yet again, it seems like he’s actually succeeding when he by all accounts shoulder. John is actually coming around.

“pft probs,” she laughs. This isn't new. “let me guess; slightly older than him, aggressive, probably absolutely capable of handing his ass to him in a fight, little bit of a dork?”

“WHAT?” you reply.

“dave’s type?” she insists, gesturing to you slightly as if you fit into the category she has just made. You- do, actually? You've never noticed that before. Terezi definitely fits into that category as well as many of Dave’s older crushes and exes. This actually concerns you a little bit, now that you think about it. John doesn’t fit this mold. “dave always goes for them”

As if you had a comment for this, Dave appears beside you. He rests his hand on your waist gladly, his other hand carrying his shirt and sweater. This directs the conversation away immediately.

“WHAT HAPPENED?” you question curiously. He hasn’t been gone very long and certainly not long enough for a session with Eridan.

“i was incorrect” he says without inflection. “this isn’t an orgy it’s a cuddle and fall asleep with horny strider night” Roxy busts into laugh nearly immediately.

“lol! oh man, eridan hasn’t been sleeping well lately i shoulda texted you,” she informs with an amused smile and snort. “thanks for puttin’ him out tho”

“no problem” Dave assures her. You don’t think this is a polite comment. “now if you’ll excuse me, cron here and i are going to go into the back” You were right. He releases your waist in order to pat Cronus on the shoulder.

“im dowvn,” Cronus agrees gladly.

“have fun,” Roxy comments with no sign of approval or disapproval. Definitely no weirder than your relationship with Dave. Once they are gone, she turns her attention back to you with a wink. “well then, if you’re free, there’s always me.”

“THAT DEPENDS ON IF THAT WAS SUPPOSED TO RHYME OR NOT,” you answer. She has to consider it for a moment.

“that did rhyme, hey!” she says. You try to prevent it, but you can’t help but smile just barely. She grabs you by the wrist to lead you in the same direction Dave and Cronus disappeared. A couple of the rooms are already occupied, but you don’t consider it for very long. Roxy drags you into the first empty one and closes the door behind you gladly.

She is, as she described you, a bit aggressive herself. You guess this isn’t a particularly bad thing, especially in this case. Roxy pushes you down onto the bed and guides you to her movements. You’ve known Roxy for many years now, almost as long as you’ve known Dave, and never have you come to a solid conclusion to her being.

Sometimes she wants to take it slow and sometimes she wants your pants off right now. Today is the second choice. She straddles your legs gladly, running her tongue over her lip as she undoes the clasp of your jeans. You automatically grasp her hips for a place to keep your hands. Though you’d happily move with her, she doesn’t give you much time to respond leaving you at her will as she yanks you off the bed a bit to get your pants out of the way.

Roxy runs her fingers over your unsheathing bulge and you shudder. She runs her tongue over the sheath of your genitals, the small gold nub knocking against yours. You inhale deeply. She sits back again and hikes her skirt up with one hand, showing off her pantiless state. Faint spots of violet mark her dark skin likely from earlier rounds with her matesprit.

Your bulge curls around her fingers, desperate for some kind of attention, and she rubs her cunt against your pointedly. She lifts herself up a bit and doubles over a bit to help guide your malleable bulge into her warm and slick cunt. Her hands rest on your stomach and you run your hands along her thighs.

Roxy shifts her hips down slowly until her skin sits flush with yours. Your bulge works smooth movements against her taut walls and she grinds her hips against you slowly and pleasurably; biting her lip all the while. She grips your shirt with both hands and brings her upper body down to rest against yours.

She doesn’t say anything to you and that’s because neither of you are particularly fond of things being said at times like this. Communication is good, of course, but when there is nothing to communicated, then silence is better. She kisses you softly, leaving cheap lipstick stains on your face.

You miss John.

== >

“come on john!” Jade yells at you from outside the door. There was a reason you got your own hotel room and didn’t share the spare key and this was it. It’s four in the fucking morning and you were up until one am. You’re not going anywhere any time soon and furthermore, you’re not jogging there. You made the mistake of sleeping in the truck with your cousins the other day and they woke you up and dragged you half way through a canyon. Not today crazy jungle cousins. Not today.

She’ll leave you alone in a few minutes when she realises you’re not about to get out of bed, but for now you’re unfortunately awake. For once, though, you feel fine. Your bones have healed and despite working on three hours of sleep, you’re already excited for another day out doing stuff. The pills are working. It’s not that you thought that they wouldn’t, you just- you don’t know what you just. Maybe you thought you didn’t need them or maybe you just didn’t want them.

The wants you to come back a see her when you return, and you will, but you’ll keep it to yourself like you keep everything. You’re not sure if everyone is just happier now that you feel better or if you’re only noticing because you feel better but you prefer it this way and you don’t want to go back.

You check your cellphone idly, a little alert letting you know that you have a message waiting. It’s a picture from Dave and Karkat and, you be honest, you a little concerned about opening it. All things considering, though, the worse thing they could really send you isn’t anything you haven’t already seen. Or heard. Unfortunately.

Thankfully, it’s not that. Instead, it’s a picture of the two of them fast asleep on the couch, huddled together limply but lovingly. You feel yourself smile a little. Perhaps you had been a little reluctant to their presence in your life earlier, but you’ve gotten used to it now. You’re not sure what would have happened if they hadn’t come along. You don’t think it would have been anything drastic, really. Those were things you hadn’t considered until people started bringing them up.

Right now, the most important question is, obviously; how the hell did they take that picture? 


End file.
